January 31, 2006

citizenship test

Posted in Uncategorized at 2:09 pm by changisme

I don’t know how can government things be so slow. I had my citizenship test today. The test took me about 4 or 5 minutes, and the whole checking in of only 50 people took a whole hour if not mroe. Anyway, nothing mor eto complain. Everything went well and I have circled the right answers in those voting questions, which supposedly are the most important.  Idon’t know if I feel any different. Maybe becoming a canadian is a rather gradual process.
The interesting thing is that compared to mama’s citizenship test which was taken with 90% chiense immigrants, mine was taken with only about 10% Chiense. Half of the people were francophone. The rest looked like indo-canadian.
Then I commuted back to work, aye I just wanted to come home, and yet, I don’t know what I want from my "home".

January 30, 2006

Posted in Uncategorized at 4:13 pm by changisme

Work was kind boring. Or maybe it’s I’m bored. I feel that I’ve got the design of the project figured out and got the macro written out, and now is just manual labour. I don’t wanna do it… plus there’s no deadline, I just feel like slacking off, but then I don’t really have anything else to do. It’s not like I can start a festival in my office and have a hot bath and play guitar.
Talking about guitar, it’s another foreign language being learned. I feel at the time of overwhelming emotions like these days, I feel my hands are wooden studs. I miss flute… with which I can actually express my feelings. The dynamics rounded by breaths dances over the rooftop. Aye… I don’t want to disturb anyone, plus I still kind of expect if I practice enough, gutar can eventually grow on me as well.
I still feel heavy…  I have nothing to cling onto, I need to fly.

January 29, 2006

glidingroller coaster

Posted in Uncategorized at 11:30 am by changisme

I woke up feeling I suck. I feel that I am granted so much, and yet I make so little out of it. I miss goalball, I miss singing praise songs in mandarin, I miss abstract algebra. All of these maybe I can still find here, but I just don’t. I’m such a loser, and I thought I was a go-getter.
vinu, Malkeinu from the Triumph of the Spirit was playing in the church hall. I felt stripped naked, and all of me, my body disintegrated. As much as I love this world, I don’t feel in sync with it. I wanted to snuggle and moan.
After the service, I went for a feverish run, which I didn’t realize I love so much. I ran and ran on the almost empty streets. I felt my trachea freezing, but my spirit lifting. We either find ourselves standing on solid grounds, or we will learn from God how to fly. I felt better and went to the library. Checked out a couple books and I saw the Epoch Times on my way out. I usually don’t like to read community newspapers if I don’t know the community so well because it’s like boring unreal stories. I thought I might try to know it better. As it turns out, free newspapers are not all communal, because the Epoch didn’t have much about Ottawa and there was an article about the Falun Gong scheme instead.
I wanted to throw it away, because I don’t really read policital stories either. If I need stories, I’ll just go get fictions or biographies. Why would I ever read something which is potentially disturbing and yet I can’t be sure how true it is? This time, maybe I was cursed, I didn’t throw the paper away and started reading. Maybe because I was bashing Falun Gong to someone a couple weeks ago and felt bad afterwards, and wanted to seek some backup? The story was about how the five people, or seven were probably not even Falun Gong. Furthermore, those who survived amongst the seven were nowhere to be found.
Great… so much for my newly improved mood. I don’t know why I wanted to cry. It’s not like I trusted the Chinese government all that much, but I guess I had some bottom line for them. What’s more is that I don’t know if even 70% of the story on this newpaper written by some people with beard is true. Why should I even believe what they say if I don’t believe the chinese media? Can I believe anyone? I don’t have anyone of my own evidence to see to myself. Some doctors in this article were saying the medical evidences are suspicious. Yeah right, and the other side would have ather things to counter that. I hate this world!
Now that I’m home and typing furiously feeling some deeper layer of my skin is being scratched away. The pain is fierce.
I know the once was, even sometimes, solid ground, is cracking and turning. Help me, just wait, I don’t know how to fly yet… Please…

January 28, 2006

warm day

Posted in Uncategorized at 1:42 pm by changisme

Today was sooo warm! I can’t believe it. I didn’t wear my big jacket, just a feather vest. Walking in the sun for hours without shivering, but at the same time, the air is still crispy and fresh. The trees along the way are yet still half burried in the snow. Those trees are like patterns carved on the vast collection of sunrays. I suddenly had such desire just to stare at the sun. I actually did it a little, but it gave me a headache, but it’s really pretty. It actually reminds me of those alchemy patterns in Full Metal Alchemist.
I want to go out later. I want to know what it feels to walk in the small woods, in the snow, warm.

January 27, 2006

one day before new year’s eve

Posted in Uncategorized at 5:45 pm by changisme

Today I phoned Hangz, whom I phone every year for chinese New Year. I always like talking to him and he’s one of the few people I can talk to without fumbling everywhere for topics.
Life for him seems to be normal and moving forward. He finished some co-op at a newspaper and found a girlfriend. When he was in the newspaper, he had to do some interview on a student graduated from our high school, and who we used to know, and who Hangz used to talk quite a bit with. That guy went to beijing med school and in his third year, he killed his dream girl’s boyfriend.
That guy had always been weird, Hangz told me. He was a bit psychologically unstable, but quite a nice guy.I didn’t kow that guy very well, and he was a year ahead of us. still, it sounds so real that some smart young man I know will most likely die for his murder. I don’t know much about capital punishment, but I still don’t know what to feel about this. I guess I should feel sorry for the girl and her boyfriend.
Hangz found a girlfriend too I think I’m the only one, other than Da, who is still single now. Do I care? Well, I think I do, but why is everyone coupled up anyway? I feel falling in love with someone and that person is also in love with you is such a rare thing, or maybe it’s just rare for me?
The good part is, Hangz hasn’t changed much and still writing his literatures. He still hopes people can read his poetry, people like me. I couldn’t help but telling him I really don’t know how to read poems. Now that my chiense is even worse, he might as well put commentaries for me. I wonder if it’s because people have too many songs nowadays, so don’t have enough cravings for traditional poems. He admitted that could be a legitimate theory.
Chinese New Year is coming. Peter lent me his extra rice cooker, I felt quite moved by that. Looking out of my 17th floor window, somehow I feel the sun is renewing everything. I feel that He is renewing the air, renewing the river, renewing the rooftops. Each atom seems to have itsdestination as it fades into the ultimate reality of some unique dimention. I don’t know if any of them is feeling what I’m feeling or they are all very absorbed in their own purpoe.
They must have their form of intellegence I think. They are so very complex!

January 26, 2006


Posted in Uncategorized at 2:57 pm by changisme

It’s amazing that the whole Carleton U is connected by underground tunnels. They say a lot of other universities in Quebec are like that too due to the cold. It’s like those secret passages I always dreamed of!! Can you believe it’s actually real? The campus is not big but it’s still amazing tha tyou can get to any part of the campus from your dorm through some wormy passage ways. Well… they are not really wormy actually. They are quite bright and straight.
Apparently, Chris has a friend who proved that he could spend an entire semester without going outside. Mind you, one doesn’t even need a jacket in the tunnel! It’s true that I would go crazy without going outside, but still! More and more, I think Ottawa people are not more cold tolerant, they’re just more cold-smart than me, who just can’t stand staying indoors all the time and had to go out inspite the cold, like today.
I was walking on the street and I was amused by the fact that I can still be shocked seeing there’s not a single person walking on the street. There are cars pouring out of the downtown area and where there are fast food outlets, people’s arms come out to receive big boxes and brown bags. the only full size human I saw on my walk were those on the parking logs. Actually, today wasn’t all that cold really. Even those who are in the parking lot were not ducking their neck or chattering their teeth. I think it’s just a winter culture. The only thing that brings people out is winterlude, oh and the canal which is closed now.
Somehow, I enjoy this city for it’s simplicity and quietness. Nonetheless, I kind of miss school. I miss intake of knowledge, though not the exams. I found myself reading regression textbooks and about star formation (maybe for the pictures??) I was talking to Chi-Wai Yeung, a new recruit from UBC. He said he found himself doesn’t handle pressure very well, and that’s why he thinks government job is good for him. He actually is a very active worker and learner. I don’t know if I handle pressure very well. Even if I don’t, can I actually learn stuff without pressure? Maybe a little bit?

January 25, 2006

a snow flake and a heart

Posted in Uncategorized at 7:06 pm by changisme

I left Carleton and left the movie clips from Redemption (about Stanley Williams the gang leader). Although I am amazed how great real story is, I am not sure how big an impact his books are on individuals. We might never know because we don’t really know what would have happened.
I left the campus and got on to the O-Train, then transferred onto 97. The window was covered with crystals of ice or snow from the outside, that I couldn’t see anything. I put my finger on the window thinking I might be able to give enough heat to melt a little patch. I felt like sailor mercury ejecting energy. After awhile, I lifted my finger, and there the crystals were still as they were before! I got a little irretated, and jammed my finger back onto the window thinking I won’t take it off until it gives me a scene. For what felt like sooo long, if my finger were thermally colour coded, I could have seen the tip of my finger become blue whiel the rest was still red, and the intersection of the blue and red moving slowly down, down, down. When I peeked into the place under my finger, the crystals were still there!! I continued putting my finger there, but kind of lost hope. I don’t know why I would feel so powerless about this stupid thing.
Then later, my imagination drove me to somewhere else, and I took off my cold finger, and somehow realized some crystals actually became smaller, finer. My heart lept, maybe I can make a difference afterall! I guess you can’t be so happy about yourself, because immediately afterwards, the crystal grew bigger and stronger again in the coldness outsid. My heart felt sick. I felt like crying seeing the masked out darkness outside. It was like someone who has cluster phobic being shut out in a 50cm tunnel.

January 24, 2006

Pita Pie or Pieta…

Posted in Uncategorized at 3:28 pm by changisme

I created another one of my dish today. I like to do that, because there are many things I don’t like to eat and when I creat my own, I can put whatever I like and cook it in whatever way I like. I put some potato and carrots with nice tastes and some flour mixed with egg and butter seasoned up. Thoese were all half cooked, and then I sandwitched this filling up with a torn open pita bread. I buttered up the top of the pita bread and baked in the oven. Oh yeah! I also had quite a bit of spanich with the egg. It turned out great because the pita break is crispy and the egg and flour and all the filling is all tender.


January 23, 2006

election is like a drama

Posted in Uncategorized at 6:13 pm by changisme

I fee like whole election drama is making me care less about voting. 😦
Although I do like to see the drama nonetheless. LOL I wonder which one is more dramatic, election result or Monday night Playhouse?

I know I shouldn’t do this, but I couldn’t resist

Posted in Uncategorized at 2:34 pm by changisme

Once again, I fell into the mode of self examination. I know I shouldn’t do this, but I did, and I can’t deny it. I can only squeeze my eyes shut and say, I won’t do it again…
I was because I got off the bus this morning, and suddenly felt or realized that I had been pretending to be someone else this morning as if continuing a dream. I felt a bit weary and when I sat down at my desk, I couldn’t help but noting down what I was feeling…
My favourite game was "Let’s pretend…". I wonder if I’m still in a mode of playing that. i could stay in the game so well that for a day or two I would only feel myself being the "pretend-to-be". It wasn’t any type of disease, because I always came out of it one way or another. nstead of passively coming out as I did when I was younger, I do so actively when I grew up. It is a more conflicting feeling because at least, back then, I could just hate the reality checks; now I have to think that they are good and embrace them while I more than likely rather have them later.
I sometimes drift away after pretending to be someone else to wonder why I do that. Why can’t I just love being who I am and where I am. Supposedly, God reated everything and thinks they are good. Why can’t I just appreciate it geniunly rather than at a simply intellectual level?
There are so many beautiful things in this world, but they don’t seem to last, or I feel the insecurity of them slipping away. I want to sink into this constant bath of beauty and never come out.
Actually, my pretend games are not aso dull as everything loses its dynamics either. nstead, there are many dramatic adventure, cliffs and valleys. The thing is that there are things I never need to worry about losing, and the story needs never end. (Yeah, they are not stories with happy endings, for they never start to end).
Living my life is like metafiction, I somehow know that I am always playing a pretend game now. One part of me hates myself for it, while another cling on to it as a life line.
The misty clouds outside of my window are pealing away. My heart lifts, it’s one more day and Helen in the office next door is typing feverishly. 

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