January 29, 2006

glidingroller coaster

Posted in Uncategorized at 11:30 am by changisme

I woke up feeling I suck. I feel that I am granted so much, and yet I make so little out of it. I miss goalball, I miss singing praise songs in mandarin, I miss abstract algebra. All of these maybe I can still find here, but I just don’t. I’m such a loser, and I thought I was a go-getter.
vinu, Malkeinu from the Triumph of the Spirit was playing in the church hall. I felt stripped naked, and all of me, my body disintegrated. As much as I love this world, I don’t feel in sync with it. I wanted to snuggle and moan.
After the service, I went for a feverish run, which I didn’t realize I love so much. I ran and ran on the almost empty streets. I felt my trachea freezing, but my spirit lifting. We either find ourselves standing on solid grounds, or we will learn from God how to fly. I felt better and went to the library. Checked out a couple books and I saw the Epoch Times on my way out. I usually don’t like to read community newspapers if I don’t know the community so well because it’s like boring unreal stories. I thought I might try to know it better. As it turns out, free newspapers are not all communal, because the Epoch didn’t have much about Ottawa and there was an article about the Falun Gong scheme instead.
I wanted to throw it away, because I don’t really read policital stories either. If I need stories, I’ll just go get fictions or biographies. Why would I ever read something which is potentially disturbing and yet I can’t be sure how true it is? This time, maybe I was cursed, I didn’t throw the paper away and started reading. Maybe because I was bashing Falun Gong to someone a couple weeks ago and felt bad afterwards, and wanted to seek some backup? The story was about how the five people, or seven were probably not even Falun Gong. Furthermore, those who survived amongst the seven were nowhere to be found.
Great… so much for my newly improved mood. I don’t know why I wanted to cry. It’s not like I trusted the Chinese government all that much, but I guess I had some bottom line for them. What’s more is that I don’t know if even 70% of the story on this newpaper written by some people with beard is true. Why should I even believe what they say if I don’t believe the chinese media? Can I believe anyone? I don’t have anyone of my own evidence to see to myself. Some doctors in this article were saying the medical evidences are suspicious. Yeah right, and the other side would have ather things to counter that. I hate this world!
Now that I’m home and typing furiously feeling some deeper layer of my skin is being scratched away. The pain is fierce.
I know the once was, even sometimes, solid ground, is cracking and turning. Help me, just wait, I don’t know how to fly yet… Please…


  1. Jane said,

    Hey! you don\’t suck…you\’re bashing my friend here 🙂

  2. Jane said,

    Isn\’t the "Epoch Times" the paper written by Falung Gong people?

  3. Karen said,

    I think they do more than that, but they did start a chinese version of the Epoch times, which I didn\’t read. That one is probably written by the Falun Gong people.Don\’t trust me though, I have no idea where to base my info on. LOL

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