February 28, 2006

“the science”

Posted in Uncategorized at 4:42 pm by changisme

The news were talking about ColdFX, which is advertised as a flu prevention medication. The company published legitimate statistics to support their claim, and some reserachers in UBC claim that the statistics they show are misleading, and they talked about their science. The pharmaseudical company keeps on saying people should trust the science.  I don’t think there is such thing anymore! It’s his science, her science or their science. Then I thought about my statistics. I will possibly draw some conclusions if my project procedes fast enough. Doesn’t that make it my science? It surprises me a bit to think that I actually start to shoulder some technical responsibilities. I’m into my 20’s and my mom into her 50’s. I’m starting to stand on the another generational stage from what I’m used to. I feel like I’m becoming some basel blended into some salad dressing… nstead of thinking, on which lattuce leaf to I hang, wonder… which piece will I give my taste.
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February 27, 2006

scenarios

Posted in Uncategorized at 7:20 pm by changisme

Sometimes I wonder if I would be truely shocked in any situations, because when I sit on a bus or blank out during the day or try to fall asleep at night, I always play out different scenarios and how I react to them. Sometimes my actress is dramatic, sometimes solemn. I wonder if there’re anything can be called "not the thing I would do". I’ve thought about being hit by a car, people arround me dying, finding a twin blah blah blah.
 
Mama says she does the same thing, and she knows exactly what she would do if the car she sits on crashes into something. LOL She said she often thinks about it. I usually try to stop myself from livng through sad things in my head, because each time it becomes more vivd and I actually feel sad. For one, I feel like when the real thing comes, I might feel callous about it and hurt other people with that attitude, and I don’t like to suffer many times what I could just suffer once otherwise. However, this state of mind doesn’t seem to be anymore controllable than the real world. Things flow in and stream out as they wish.

February 26, 2006

Posted in Uncategorized at 3:15 pm by changisme

Today Fiona and Caroll wanted to go to OCAC, and so I followed. I don’t know what’s with these alliance churches in Ottawa, their messages are just so… I don’t know. I suppose I should keep an open mind. Today, the sermon was about the second coming, and the pastor just listed all the rules of final judgement as if there’s someone here being God’s jury. Things like No. 1, all the believers will be ranked by their good deeds and rewarded accordingly, No. 2, all the unbelievers will be ranked and punished accordingly. He interpreted some of Revelation. On the one hand, I really get turned away by this "as if you know how God judges", on the other hand, I think if one reads Revelations, he needs to try to interpret right? What makes me so smart that my thinking Revelation is not for us to guess what the end time is like? I don’t even understand Revelations… I really don’t know how to read it.
 
We left the service at 11 and our rendezvous with Tim and Jethro was at about 12, we had dim sum together. We ate quite a bit. I hope the food could have cheered me up. Later on, we walked arround a bit buying oyster sauce and stuff. It was soooooo cold!! I think it was the very state before frostbite. When I got off the bus near my house, I had to run in order to warm my feet, by the time they were warm, I reached home already.
 
Home was warm and clearn. I felt a great relief. I really wonder why would people worry about the end of the world? Even though we had some earthquakes and disasters… didn’t God say that it will come when we least expect it? But we are all expecting it so much because of all the disasters!  LOL  Now I really just hope that the world will end after Tyler Trafford finishes his series.
 
* * *
 
I was listening to the radio, and they were talking about how the financial situations of our atheletes are like. Surprisingly, many of them are in debt. I know in china, all the athletes are paid by the government, although it’s probably harder to make it because they select people from childhood mostly. They might have changed over the years? I remember talking to Shawn, and she was saying how it sucks to be a full time athlete, and that’s why she doesn’t want to do it, she still has a job. It’s difficult to fund things like this. I then thought how much of a passion you would need to depend your life on it, not mentioned that being an athlete takes so muchy of your youthful time.

February 25, 2006

burning pizza

Posted in Uncategorized at 7:50 pm by changisme

Well…. I think I’m kinda good natured, because I generally get pretty enthusiastic about helpping, but due to my limited intelligence, it doesn’t always turn out so well.
 
I’m at Leona’s place now, and we had goalball. We are here to have supper and play poker. Then I was trying to help with her veggie pizza which I slipped out of the pan onto the element when I was trying to take it out. The pizza started burning, and Leona was paralzed because she thought her house was catching on fire. I being the person to blame became the firefighter, with a pair of baking gloves dove intot he oven to take out the blob of pizza. I cleaned the oven and Leona didn’t say anything, I hope she’s not too mad. LOL Luckily, nothing really stuck on the element and I had an easy time cleaning.
 
Oh well, I always replay those incidences I embarrasse myself, which are quite often, and you’d think I’d gotten used to them now. LOL
 
Anyhow, they’re having a good time playing poker.

February 24, 2006

conflicting nature

Posted in Uncategorized at 4:39 pm by changisme

I wonder if our conflicting nature is the one thing that causes all the troubles and maybe ultimately ends us. On the other hand, I don’ tknow if it’s also the one thing that is the ancester of all the beauty and dynamics. I was watching Star Trek at dinner, and the borg was dimishing humans for their weakness of conflicting nature. Then I thought about the other day how we can resolve problems easier as individuals and when we become a collective body, troubles become so ultimately unsolvable like an equilibrium of unequilibrium.
 
Maybe we’re as individuals are not all that much different from our collective bodies in that respect, maybe collectively we are actually forced to face many more problems we would hide from ourselves otherwise. It’s almost like a giant. It walks so much more clumsily, becaus eits arms and legs are heavy, but it’s nimble for it’s scale and all the specles are so obvious because they are amplified.
 
If I think about it that way, I might be able to accept the world a little better. I myself have so many problems and I do get distressed over it, but it’s somehow workable. It’s acceptable and I somehow know things will work out. The world might have problems of much bigger scales, because they are the amplified version of our own problems and conflicts, but still, it’s just like my weakness, as bad as it is, it’s not a bottomless abyss. We can work with it, and it will be okay.

February 23, 2006

a somewhat … day

Posted in Uncategorized at 3:29 pm by changisme

I think I had so much fun last night that I’m still dwelling in it. I went skiing again, and learnt parallel, and joined a little "race". It wasn’t a real race, but for people to have two runs down a hill, and the first run the judge gives you a time, and the second time arround, you guess the time you would get. I was 3.1" too fast, but still it was very fun doing it with all the people there. They were certainly much better than me, some did in 40". The winner guessed in 0.22". That was so close.
 
Today at work, I was a bit annoyed because I got to a point where soon, if the resources from other people don’t come, I will hve to hault my project altogether. Not only I’m not very pleased with that, but also my supervisor. He’s a timely person and works quite hard. He doesn’t express it openly, but you could see the sign in his face. Yet again, it seems like something that happens all the time anyway.
 
At noon, me and a couple other co-ops were invited to watch this video about the three religions in Jeruselum. It’s quite ironic how they all believe in the ultimate peace but is a very unstable place. I wonder if the problem is ever going to be resolved, because it’s not an individualistic issue. It’s an issue of nations. We just look at each persons, but what about peoples collectively? Is it all that wrong to think about people in a bundle? God seemed to have told a lot of stories about isreal in a collective manner, even thought that’s not the only perspect He holds. How do people act collectively anyway? It seem slike if we were to act collectively, the nations always have to be like those wheels with teeth, there’s only this one rigid way the two wheels can cling to gether and work properly. The world seems so rigid that way. Some nation can hardly make a different decision. Maybe that’s not something I should worry about? But what if  I were one of the people who have to worry about these things, … or choose to worry about these things for tha tmatter.
 
Even though the day has been a bit worrisome, I feel like smiling, because I can see the feathers of the angel, a little far, but I can see fibres gleaming in the sun.
 
* * *
 
Oh yeah! I can’t believe I forgot the name of one of my favourite stories!! I never had forgotten those I like before. It’s about a bunch of first nation kids. The oldest has the name Sus I think, and how he and his brother snad sisters escaped some war, and how he grew to manhood. I totlaly can’t remember the name, aye.. this is so sad. I thought about it because I found this other one al ittle similar, but it’s a series, and I just found the first one. This first one is called Blue Eyes, and Blue Eyss is the name of a boy’s name, I don’t kno how old he is, bu tsomewher between boyhood and manhood, and he living in a horse trading family, while his friend is a Piikani, a hunting tribe.

February 22, 2006

BIRRRRDS!!!

Posted in Uncategorized at 1:57 pm by changisme

Can you believe it? In this crystalized world where even snow freazes in its motion, there are birds singing. I think this morning was the first. I have to remember today, it’s Feb 22!
 
I walked out of the house this morning and heard this "Ouiiiiiiii~~~ no no no no no no…" Even birds here are billingual I thought.. Then I realized that I haven’t heard birds singing for the whole time I’ve been in Ottawa. Today is the breaking of spring even thought it’s still -10 or something. It made me miss vancouver a bit, but also gave me a sense of liveliness. It’s not just quiet smiles Ottawa has to offer, there’s also loud laughter and joy.
 
I hence thought of Qing in Germany. I wonder if she’s back to the west from Beijing. She might still be in Beijing, and hope she wouldn’t have too hard of a time leaving. Life is good even though it has tears and sorrow. I thought about mama turning 50 next week. I don’t know whatelse to get her other than flowers and a phone call. She all the way in LA, does she feel strange there like me and Qing?
 
I think these birds that are born here in Ottawa see Ottawa as home, or maybe they travel all over the place and see everywhere home. Maybe I just have a preconception that I should see elsewhere as home and by default I need to feel homesick.
 
* * *
 
These days work as been filling up time, but they are not so much brain work so quite boring and I feel that I’m not busy enough, while in fact I am always tightly occupied. It seems like most people here do this type of work, I really shouldn’t complain, but how can they do this for.. 15, 20 years? No wonder people actually want to move on to management even though it involves so little stats which was there specialty.

February 21, 2006

dreams

Posted in Uncategorized at 5:05 am by changisme

I had a … dream last night. I felt a bit of a shudder. I was washing dishes in a foreign kitchen, but it had old soft wooden cupboards. I felt quite at home. I had a nice blue cup for chopstickes. That cup is a very nice height and grip. The blue was like the blue of the ocean, very cheery, bu there’s a big hole on the bottom. The chopsticks kept on going through, it’s like a flower pot. Finally, I got all the chopsticks pointing to the rm of the bottom and carefully put them in the cupboard, but then I discovered there are two little fluffy brown kitten in the cupboard! They moving about for a while, and hten I carefully shut the cupboard. Just then I sensed a incredible breath of evilness, I suddenly yanked the cupboard open wanting to scare the kitties. They did get scared and so was I.
 
I didn’t really get scared by the kitties, one of which jumped off the cupboard onto the floor, I was scared of myself. What am I?
 
=================
 
I don’t really talk in my dreams. Actually, I don’t think in my recent years I ever talk in my dreams at all. The nigth before last, I was in a dream waiting at a bus stop, and I was with Jane. For some reason, Jane gave up waiting and walked into this room on the side of the street and I didn’t want to go. I went in after her anyhow. The room was filled with people and some people were dancing on the stage in front. One of the dancers is my ottawa roommate wearing her feather winter jacket. She had her back to me, but I recognized her anyway. We then went out, and caught the bus. I don’ tknow where we were going, and I didn’t know if the bus goes to my house, and I wondered but I didn’t ask. How strange.

February 19, 2006

big old Montreal

Posted in Uncategorized at 7:54 pm by changisme

Montreal is a big real international city. I walked arround the whole day, but I feel there are still so much await to be seen.
 
The bus dropped us off at St. Catherine’s, the main downtown street of the city. We dove underground and headed towards old Montreal. The underground of Montreal covers pretty much the entire downtown area. Mall after mall, it was crazy. We didn’t really stop and shop. rather we walked so swiftly that we were burning by the time we had to go above ground again.
 
When we got out of the mall, I think it was Les Congres(?), the architechture wa different from where we got down. The buildings were older and more european. On the super slippery side walk, with Agnes skipping along, we passed by some old churches and some very beautiful art stores. We also went to the river bank, but it was very cold to appreciate the scenary there, so we went back onto the streets again and had some crepes in a nice two level restaurant. It wasn’t big, but very beautiful. The service was slow, I later found out that this is probably the characteristic of most restaurants in montreal. Nevertheless, the food was very good, even those with too much cheese, I love the display of them. I took pictures of the food too!!
 
Later on, we walked more above ground until we couldn’t stand the cold anymore. Then it was shopping time. A girl we called Snoozy and I sort of hanged arround Agnes and Caroll who are more old dogs in shopping. I’m one of those people who don’t really like to shop because it’s a slow and draining process. I like being spontaneous and explosive I think. Still, I think the underground of Montreal is very amazing, and each mall has so many levels as well. At the end, I wound up in Indigo.
 
For supper the three of us went to Separali (sp?) for some sandwiches. I had an Italian melon soda which was eithe r very very very good, or tasted very good because I was so thirsty.
 
The busyness of Montreal takes me back to Beijing in a way. I think even though I don’t like it that much as in being there so often, I’d like to go back. Just to be there gives me something.

February 18, 2006

why would anyone want to be touched by an angel anyway?

Posted in Uncategorized at 5:00 pm by changisme

The angel came. * The angel is gone.
 
I long for the reappearance of the angel so I set up and alter and open the window.
 
Waiing… waiting…
 
The angel enver comes, there is nothing but the coldness of the outside air disolving into the warmth of the candle in my hand. The warm and the cold entangle into a suffocating knot of a web, and each string of cold-hot torture sinks into my flesh and binds me.
 
Who am I to control the angel’s come and go, but my heart is not in my hands.
 
Should I just blow out the candle? Can I? Would I?

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