June 30, 2006

China vs. Germany

Posted in Uncategorized at 11:41 am by changisme

Oh man!! Can China qualify for Saturday’s games?? Now, as I am writing, China is having its "must-win" game against Germany. The chinese men is not bad this round, but Germany is still leading. It’s 4-3 for Germany, 4-2 at the half. Xiao made one goal in at the second half, but only 3 minutes left!!!
 
Oh one min to go… They are giving Liangliang Chen a lot of opportunity to shoot.
 
33 seconds…
 
25 seconds… Tao gave a spin!! oh not in…
 
last chance!! Kai shot!! oh not in.. game.
 
Okay now Germans won and will move on to saturday’s game. Oh well.. the chinese still did a pretty good job against the Germans though. I think they were trying to very hard at the end to get something in.
 
It was so weird just now. I had to practice flute for the worship on sunday and at the same time didn’t want to miss the broadcast, so both were playing at the same time. The song was this really sappy/soothing song, the girls almost were singing under their breath, at the same time, Bill was all anxiously explaining the game. I was playing and trying to make up some harmony, but I was playing faster and faster, oh dear, it was just totaly not compatible. Anywayz…
 
Bill is doing a very good job explaining where everything is happening. I don’t know who he is, but he sounds like a pro!
 
Another funny thing is that, they actually are selling a computer goalball game, hehe.
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June 29, 2006

gerr, china, Korea and south africa are the ones got mercied…

Posted in Uncategorized at 11:03 pm by changisme

The world goalball championship just started a couple days ago in the mist of all these soccer mess. I just got to know today that they actually have online broadcast. Apparently, Canada, being the ex-champion, is no longer so proud, we got beaten by the Greeks 3-0. I meant the women by the way. The guys are impressive, they are yet to be defeated, but it’s only a couple days now, so we’ll see.
 
Up to yesterday as I know, the only three countries that got mercied so far were China, Korea and South Africa… what can I say?! Mannnn…. They need some real goalball program that’s why!! I can’t really blame them in a way thought, they are young teams and the one China played was some northern european country, and they usually are very strong.
 
Shawn has a cracked leg now… I don’t know if she will or should continue playing in a high performance level. It probably will end her cycling career, but… I really want to go to Nationals this coming year, now that Myriam has given birth to Jamie. At the same time, it sounds so… aye… i don’t know.. with one player badly injured, one just out of pragnency and with a energetic First-Priority in hand. This past year was bad enough, since only Shawn could go at all, so she played for Alberta. Apparently, Alberta was quite generous, and gave her a pair of visors and a ball. Ha!
 
This year the atmosphere is just so different actually, because we have many juniors, well… three and a half, I don’t know if you can call an 18 year old junior, but anyway, the whole thing seems to be a very healthy activity now. It’s not all about hey we have to get selected for the national team and go to Beijing in 2008. It’s probably sad that hardly anybody is having big hope of getting into national team maybe except for Doug next year, but the rest of the gang just sort of want to go there as visitors now. At the same time, it’s fun to have so many people playing, I just got beaten by Mo last Sunday… Arg… >_<

I can just tell myself, is it still real?

Posted in Uncategorized at 7:40 am by changisme

I woke up feeling a little bit happy for some reason. I thought I’d lost a chunk of me, and I thought I was once again by myself. I don’t know if I can just keep telling myself, people are not leaving you alone. Maybe that’s not really true, but if I say it often enough it probably will become true? Why do I have to have somebody anyway, it’s just a silly girl rhyme! If I never know there is a perfect world out there with out the fullness, then I might be able to just live in contentment?
 
I remember one day the UC fellowship was discussing something, and the topic of perfection came to play. They said if there is not perfection out there to tell us there is such a thing as perfect, we wouldn’t know it existed. i didn’t agree. I said because we just want better than our imperfection, hence perfection is just the alternative of imperfection, in other words, "I want better!". I just remembered that just a month ago, I tried to tell myself, be content with what I have and give thanks for what is given already. I should be happy something beautiful comes at all. Now, a month later, I forgot about that and just started to blame the sky for not being bluer.
 
The hardest thing is to try to do and think against one’s will. I probably need some external help on that. I don’t want to do certain things, and yet I am to be the one to initiate/lead the party. Why don’t I feel there is anyone working with me?!!! WHERE ARE YOU PEOPLE!!?? WHERE ARE YOU GOD!!??? My hands are trembling and my feet are blistered. I want to just let it drop and I shall go back to the beautiful past once again. Am I stupid? Well… I never really doubted the fact that I started the party though. i think I just acted way too brave, braver than I am really.

June 27, 2006

being aware…

Posted in Uncategorized at 9:16 pm by changisme

A long time friend asked me today(one of those questions not expecting an answer) why I would cry only when i watch movies alone. I was taken aback, not for the fact that I’ve realized another incident when i acted out stupidity thinking I was alone while I was not (it’s very embarrassing, but not uncommon), nor for the fact that I’m a masked human being putting on happy faces in front of people (though i still do that sometimes, it’s either subconsciously which is hard to change, or I’m just happy to be with certain people).
 
I guess the real reason I really can’t stop thinking about that is why am I so conscious of my surroundings when I watch a movie? I used to just think it’s I’m not one of those geniuses who can dive into things so deeply that they can’t be pulled out unless they come out naturally. It’s like in Hikaru No Go, Hikaru is so concentrated in the game that he can’t hear people talking to him. It’s the same with many savvies/geeks I guess. Even though i don’t have to be a genius, I still think concentrating all of one’s nerves in one thing would be good.
 
Well… or just make me very very aware, then I wouldn’t need to do stupid things thinking I’m by myself anymore!! >_<

control

Posted in Uncategorized at 2:19 pm by changisme

Richie often says that people who have a hard time giving up control and that’s the very obsticle one needs to conquer in walking with Christ. I don’t really know how to give up control, maybe just do things that are "right", but I am unwilling to do. That actually make me feel like I need more control over myself. I’m not just playing with words here. The fact is one always need a motive in doing things and I don’t know simply by telling me because the Bible says so will do the trick for me. I think this is a rather bleak fact that I’m just not very mature, but I am mature enough to know that each time, I often find myself finding other motives for myself.
 
The painful fact is that I feel that I’m no longer in my own hand, and I feel scared. I know that if I don’t get hold of myself, I’m bound to do something stupid. I am in fact quite confused at this point, whether or not I’m just too concerned, in other words too controling. So many times people just tell me, Christ doesn’t show you the big picture, but only the next step. Why do I feel so paralyzed? There are glimps of beauty and hope in life, okay more than glimps, and I feel what I see is a big picture, not the next step. Am I just too dull and I don’t know what the next step is while it’s so clearly shown to me, or am I just not faithful to believe that is the Truth? Both seem to lead to the one confusion I have really. I feel life in itself is the Truth and the construct of it requires my understanding and decision making. When I walk the Way, how, oh man, how do I center my decions on another while I am the one who is deciding?
 
Maybe that’s why, people say one should let the Spirit come in, and take on a different persona? It reminds me one of those sunday school activities during Halloween, where people carve their pumpkin and say, this is us! God takes out all the yucky stuff and fill us with light, and it glows. It sounds so silly, but it’s so hard to practice. I feel that it’s all intermingled. It’s not so easy as saying "giving up control".

June 26, 2006

the world in my eyes

Posted in Uncategorized at 11:25 am by changisme

It’s almost like in All the Names where nobody has a name (other than Senhor Jose… which … probably just means "I"??) even though they Central Registry is where "All the Names" are. I just felt sad yesterday… well, or rather this morning. I feel that the people around me are just like images projected onto the dome of my perception. As I grow my dome probably becomes bigger and the extend of my acquaintences stretch all the way to places interesting or remote, but those people are just still projections. The saddest thing would be that you fel so involved a soul that you feel so sure is there and vivid, but probably won’t always be there and the involvement won’t be the same all the time. On the one hand, I don’t feel that one needs to stop eating because s/he knows some day s/he will stop eating anyway. On the other hand, I can’t help but walk away from the stream of sentiment. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I know there is a better way. I know there is a way that I can embrace all these without feeling these moments of sadness.
 
I have to say that I’m only fussing over the melancholy, but the beautiful things are jewels I cannot and will not ignore. I guess Senhor Jose doesn’t regret painting his dome of the world either (we’ll see) and I don’t. I see so many beautiful things, and yet, that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t comb the fabric of all these.
 
I am foolish my God, be with me…

June 24, 2006

世事内外

Posted in Uncategorized at 9:47 am by changisme

This year the College Entrance Exam, Chinese literature exam in the province of Hubei used a passage in <人间词话>(王国维)as essay topic:
诗人对宇宙人生,须入乎其内,又须出乎其外。入乎其内,故能写之;出乎其外,故能观之。入乎其内,故有生气;出乎其外,故有高致。
This is not so very hard to translate, let me try this.
The life and the world for a poet/writer, is to be of the inside, but also to be of the outside. To be in, is to write it; to be out is to observe it. To be in, comes liveliness, to be out, comes trancendence.
Okay, the "trancendence" part is a bit shaky, but the feeling is somewhat there. I feel like sometimes I’m in and sometimes I’m out. Out actually used to be a default state, but honestly, I didn’t really like it. I think it’s probably a talent to be "in" life by default, it’s an ability to take on life and knit out the beauty as time goes on. I on the other hand is not all that naturally good at "knitting". By trying quite hard, I am rather blunt in jumping into the pool. It’s not a very elegant or natural process, but I think maybe it’s alright. Afterall, sometimes how things are done are not the reason I do them. It’s more the product or the fact that I have any product at all that fills  my void.

June 23, 2006

the job market

Posted in Uncategorized at 7:28 am by changisme

I was listening to the radio and it says that this summer has so many jobs. It does seem like the case though. There are so many postings, especially the low end ones. it’s a bit annoying that I need to make the co-op coordinator happy, otherwise it’s so easy to find a job now. It’s such a difference compared to previous years. I guess it’s the real employment market, employers compete to be as appealing as possible to attract labourers. The stats says that most high school grads can just hand out one or two resumes and usually they are off for their money. I don’t know if I should be happy. These things go in waves. By the time I graduate, it will probably hit the low pitch again! But that will probably be another several years considering I’m thinking about grad school. Some friends of mine are actually thinking of not doing grad school right away because of the good market and work a bit, then do grad school. I don’t know if I want to do that. I feel that it would be hard unless I get fired.

June 22, 2006

很久,很久以前...

Posted in Uncategorized at 9:39 pm by changisme

今天在小路上漫步,忽然发觉我想父母的意味已经是这样的不同.现在想想,已经四年多了,没有在一个屋檐下和爸爸睡觉了,就连两年前回北京都是在亲朋家睡.从前每晚,爸爸都会在我床前亲我的额头和脸蛋儿,问我晚安.从前不和爸妈住在一起是一件多么不可想象的事情啊.爸爸曾经说,我们可以像姑姑和奶奶那样,永远住在一起.我从前听了这话,还是会有些怕.但不知道从何时开始,青年的灼热溶化了儿童的依恋.我并不知道这是好是坏,也许古今仁人挥笔写下诗文,慨叹如水东去的童稚的爱.(不过如今在加国西岸,大河是向西流的!)但我想,这就是事实吧,没什么好与不好的.变化本是一样很美的事物.
人往往愄惧变化,好像世事都是在水面上摇啊摇的,自己也失去了从前的平衡.可是水又是很美的东西,我最喜欢水了!她的动感就是其中原路之一.也许我只是需要时常问问自己,今天我是在一片什么样的水面上漫游呢?

June 21, 2006

politics

Posted in Uncategorized at 9:01 am by changisme

I wonder what the definition of politics is. I was in UBC talking to this library staff person I knew. She asked me where I’ve been last term and I told her I was working in Statistics Canada. Right then right there, she went on to an enraged speech on discrimination and politics when she worked for Stats Can. She was working in the BC department and was producing publications for the softwood industry, but she was classified under "interviewer" catagory, which meant that even though she worked full time, she had no benefits and was only paid half as much as another man who did exactly the same job but was considered permanent. I don’t know if she was angry about the fact that they discriminated against women or against interviewers.
 
Anyways, she sounds rather angry, but proud at the same time. I’ve always known her as very nice and helpful, and this shook me a little bit. The discrimination she discribed happened 20 years ago, so I don’t know if it has changed. She concluded that it’s all politics, I wonder what that really means. Does it mean battle for rights? Does it mean each person/entity tries to benefit themselves in all negotiations? People say this and that is very political even not in a governmental context. I don’t exactly grasp the meaning of the word anymore. I used to think that politics just means the struggling relationships among groups of people. The motives seemed to me are all different, money, power or sheer desire to do the right thing. More and more from what people say, I feel that the motive doesn’t really matter in politics, it’s more the ends that justify the means. I guess I can always change my mind later.

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