July 30, 2006

to serve

Posted in Uncategorized at 10:30 pm by changisme

I actually don’t know why I was so touched by the sermon today. It’s not a subject I’ve never encountered before. Maybe it’s just that I think about it so hard, tryihng to get myself to act accordingly, so it just resonates. The fact is though, even though I think about it really hard, it’s still hard to walk the walk.
 
Oh yeah, the sermon is about serving. It’s on John 13. It’s qutie interesting how Peter said he wants his hands and head washed as well. I think I probably would have mistook it like that too. I mean, we get quite caught up in the whole thing about cleansing and heaven and so on. In a way, even theology. It’s not just now, it’s what Peter thought too!!
 
What it really is, is serving, and being mingled really. It was talking to me also because I went to Landie’s right after and with her there’s always this and that. Life is complicated is quite well displayed in her case. I’m not a natural when it comes to love. Maybe I just love in a different way, but love is a relation, so I do think if I want to love another person or other people, I need to learn to love so they can receive it. This itself is probably an act of love.
 
Oh, when did I change from serve to love? is it the same thing? Can one serve without love? If the answer is no and the reason is the serving would soon dry out, what about love? Wouldn’t love dry out too? I often hear about God being the source of lvoe and if we somehow is hooked up to Him, our love will never drain out. Well… I don’t know, we aren’t always inline with Him either. I sometimes feel my love dry out. Maybe it’s just that process of scrambling to get the pipes back together? i find it pretty hard…
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Celebration of like — the Yellow River Odessey

Posted in Uncategorized at 8:03 am by changisme

The music makes me a little nostalgic really. Not because of my herritage, well maybe a little. It’s more because when I was still in the Chinese orchestra in Richmond, we used to perform some pieces from this series of songs every Chinese New Year.
 
There was one type of fireworks that was particularly beautiful and moving. It was a bunch of low bright balls. They don’t blow up into big flowers but the way they arranged it was like waves of water in the river. It was flower and running, very very emotionally effectove.
 
I was with some people from UC. They were all having a good time. Some people we wish were there couldn’t come. i really wish they saw it too. Maybe they have, who knows?

July 28, 2006

自控

Posted in Uncategorized at 11:04 am by changisme

昨天我妈来我家.我替他申请了几个工作,然后就一起去散步.每次和妈妈聊天,我总是不明白他为人处事到底是什标准.每一次听到大红最白牙地说出种族歧视的话,或只对我赚大钱的期望,我真不知道怎样告诉她,"I’m sorry I’m not you and those things offend me!"
 
我曾试者和他明明白白的说,却好像一无是处.如今,我也算放弃了.妈妈来了,她将她的,我就听着.她的人生经历与我不同,听他与我聊天,对与不对总是一种沟通.这世界上总会有各种各样的人,要是每个人的人生观和世界观都是一样的,那也挺可怕的.
 
现在我真正需要的是自控,控制自己不急着用自己的标准去衡量别人.这样也给我少了不少烦心的事.就好像昨天妈妈来,两个人分手的时候心情都很好.也许这就是尊重吧!

July 27, 2006

spirituality

Posted in Uncategorized at 9:48 am by changisme

I don’t know why I’m into this stuff so much. I mean, it’s not even I feel obligated to think about it or if I don’t get it right then my life is ruin or anything. It’s just that I like to think about it, or talk about it. It’s annoying maybe. I could almost see people’s disgusted faces upon hearing the word religious. I don’t want to argue the difference in definition, it’s all in vein.
 
It’s like on a BBS we were talking about philosophy in general. People say it’s such a useless thing. I couldn’t really argue that point, because I don’t seem to see it as particular useful, just kind of fun. That’s all. I recall a conversation with Richie a year ago. He talked about when people become philosophers and try to build their lives on these ideals, some fall into the trap of hypocracy. Maybe that’s ever so true, but why does it have to be that useful?
 
What elicited my pondering on the subject is my breif conversation wiith one of my coworkers. She asked me if I have any spiritual philosophy that I follow. I really stumbled in my mind. Oh gosh, I thought, how do I sum up my spiritual philosophy in one sentence? I couldn’t really. Nonetheless, I had to give an answer… (maybe I could have just said I can’t really sum it up) I think she knows that I hold Christian believes unless she forgot. Then I just said, well, I believe in a world we are very much part of and we are here to serve and to be served in a relational sense…. and … I don’t believe in a separation between the devine and the undevine… not a clear line at least.
 
I think it’s a very dumb answer. It’s totally confusing and not solid. She didn’t give much of a comment, just said, oh you don’t? (after hearing about the devine and the undevine part) I don’t know if that’s just a response for the sake of response or an incredulous exclamation. Oh well, I think the point of fact is just that, I don’t know how to sum up my spiritual philosophy. Maybe it’s just love my God with all my heart and love my neighbours as myself. Even though this is a little cliche and seems powerless, when it comes to decisions, I think it actually give quite a good guidance, much more solid than one imagine it would.
 
Being a little embarrassed, I asked her what her philosophy is, and she told me she’s in "transition". She said that she’s never had a strong belief, but now is seeking. She really admires those who do. I was really glad that she wanted to talk about it with me, but the bad part now is I feel curious as in what she has gone through. I resisted to ask more and to become nosy.
 
I’m sorry my friends if I’m very nosy a lot of times, but I really do try not to. It’s just that each person has such fascinating stories that I can’t help but wondering about the what when how and why. Maybe in the future when I feel nosy, I’ll just try to focus on being a friend and find out what the person want and like instead of googling the information.

July 25, 2006

热气流终于过去了.

Posted in Uncategorized at 10:01 am by changisme

最近一星期气温尺高,我差点热死了!在岛上玩儿的时候又瘦了风,鼻子堵得喘不过气来.昨天晚上心情好,又凉快,睡了一个好觉.
 
想来,小的时候也总睡不着,我常常看着月光和路灯在墙上和天花板上照出的影子,想象它们是小鬼儿的玩具.长大了,可以用小说为自己瞿眠了.就很少有躺在床上看天花板看上一个或两个小时的时候.着突如其来的童年回顾,倒让我觉得很心悦.我还同时侯的想象力还没有完全退却.
 
我买了支画笔和几管颜料,在十年之后,二盘又一次听到而是统真的声音."我要到英国去当画家!"

July 24, 2006

training skilled workers

Posted in Uncategorized at 1:53 pm by changisme

It’s been a very boring day today, because the national server VPL is down for some reason. We don’t know what’s happening, maybe the Toronto end is doing something. It’s amazing how paralyzing this is. I took an hour lunch and walked around outside, because it’s freezing in the office! I guess I shouldn’t complain after this past weekend.
 
I’ve been reading up on some of our files and stats. It’s very interesting. it’s a very good time to act if one needs training or want their children (youth) to get training. The government is spending big time on training. The country is having a high demand on skilled workers and I don’t know if there are enough employable people here to get trained now. There is an Oppotunities Fund for those with developmental, mental and physical disabilities. There are other funds too. It’s quite exciting if people need help.
 
It does seem like though, it’s easy enough to find a job that people don’t want to go through training anymore, so these funds are having big surpluses are  well. I don’t know if it’s shortsighted to do that or just take advantages of timely oppotunities.
 
Gosh, you can see how bored I am!! Please come back computer!!!

July 22, 2006

there are just things you don’t like, what can you do…

Posted in Uncategorized at 9:59 pm by changisme

Today was fun, I was painting for Homestart under Curt’s supervision with Jane and Zoe and some other guys and gals. It was very nice. I think we were very efficient actually despite my poor wall painting skills. Curt kept on blaming himself for being critical, and i don’t think I made him feel any better, but he never really was a jerk in front of my eyes at least. i think I just sort of made him feel bad, but anyway, we had a good time, even though I was in this weird mood. Haha.
 
Probably I just wasn’t in a good enough mood to be understanding, or it was just that Monster House movie we saw, when I got home and phoned my mom, she told me that she saw Superman I today, and compare to S return she saw a few weeks ago, she likes the first better. I was agreeing, but then she said it was because Clark and Louise in the second movie are fatter than the ones in the first.
 
They are not fat for Christ’s sake. Fat, means overweight, and if those people were overweight. oh well, why are we so sensitive towards body fat? Okay, I’m not so much better, but I’m really annoyed by my mom’s constant attention on this kind of thing. I probably wasn’t all that patient, I said, "well, Louis has a kid now right? So it’s only natural for her to be rounder." I know it’s a dumb comment, but i really didn’t know what to say.
 
I know I know… I’m the one to talk eh? I really don’t think one day when i have a boyfriend, I’d want a stack of bones you know? Oh and for the record, I’m not gonna be a stack of bones either, not anytime soon.
 
I’m sorry, I know it’s very useless and damaging to complain about your mother, but I just feel kind of scared, because these concepts are just like sewage, which I see in my own backyard. I don’t think it’s entirely my mother’s fault as to where those dirty water comes from, but at least, I don’t want anymore on my lawn. I just push the door tight, as if that would help. I guess it’s bad to really close the door on your parent too. It’s better to love and be open, but I AM scared. I don’t think I can change her, or not even myself.

July 21, 2006

Bowen and pool

Posted in Uncategorized at 8:59 pm by changisme

Went to Bowen to for an employment panel at a camp. It’s my first time being a panelist. The good thing wsa that there were six of us and everyone was very talkative, so I didn’t feel scared. The things we talked about wasn’t all that interesting, because it’s so typical and probably I feel more this way because I’ve been job seeking for almost 4 years. Everything is the same, except now I’m the one who’s saying them.
 
The lodge is beautiful, aside from occasional humking of the ferry horn because it’s near the dock, it’s a very descent facility. The furnishing is great and the ocean is right at hand, there are even boats and kayaks!
 
We had this subsandwich for lunch. Interestingly, the bread is one of those kinds I’ve never had before. It’s white, totally no golden brown colour. I wonder what it is. Before and after the panel I played showdown with Shawn and Ken. It’s almost exactly like airhocky. I enjoyed it so much that I didn’t even swim!
 
Anyway, when I got home, I felt really missed out on the swimming, plus I was very hot running around getting the webcam driver. The kids and Tara and Ron were out of the pool in the backyard, so I grabbed a book and a floaty and slipped into the water. Oooooh it wa sooo soothing!! The crystal clear water without the smell of clorine. It was just great. I hugged the floaty so the book didn’t get wet and just wiggled around in the water for an hour almost, until the water got cold.
 
I don’t know how I can be this relaxed the weekend before my final. I haven’t even looked at anything yet. How can I? How can I not? Oh well, everything is too enjoyable. Tomorrow will be workday! Oh and I’ll go to UC, because Xuyue will be back from China.

帮倒忙

Posted in Uncategorized at 7:39 am by changisme

今天要到BOWEN ISLAND去搞点宣传工作,上个月才和UC的朋友们去玩儿了一次,很有意思。我总是很想更多的了解我周围的人,但是人家未必想让我了解。有的时候,即便别人很喜欢与我分享想法,每个人对各种事情的态度又是很不相同的,常常我们想了解帮助得太多了,也就帮了倒忙。但我也很理解帮倒忙的人,本是一片好心,如果别人在我们面前红嘴牙的说我们帮了倒忙,也一是一件很令人羞愧,难过的事情。

July 20, 2006

is nowhere somewhere?

Posted in Uncategorized at 9:52 pm by changisme

I don’t know where people find themselves. It reminds me of the title of the book "The Story We Find Ourselves In". I think the reason I like to see ourselves in a story is still because i find it fun to see my life, with everyone in it, from an outsider’s point of view. It’s such a silly concept. Why would I want to be outside anyway? The matter of fact, I don’t! I use every bit of energy I have to be "in", but still want to and try to think seeing everything so clearly is being smart.
 
I was reading the Third Bank of the River by Guimarães Rosa. The father left the world, but somehow he’s still there, never back, but never gone to the other side of the river. He’s just there on the river for years and years. I dont’ think it’s a story about the father really. It’s more a story about the rest of the family, but if I just think about the father. I don’t really know if he dos find himself when he’s in that… "nowhere" eh? I feel that he still somewhat defines himself in this one side of the river, in this somewhere. Maybe because of unsatisfaction or something he tries to pull himself away from this somewhere. However, all he did was increasing the radius of the orbit he’s taking around the same identity and same life he has. He remains the father of the children and the husband of the wife. He remains in the same village and did so by his own will.
 
About the rest of the family though. I think they try to find him and he’s still there, but this long long radius he created just made them look and look and look for years and years and years. I can almost see the child’s eyes as she sees the father every so often, but never hear him talk, hardly ever see the food she left touched. he’s like a shell, and yet full and filled her heart and life. i can almost see the wife, everything tangible seems to become hollow, but everything is there, but not really there either, because the life is far far away.
 
I remember thinking about those commets that orbits around the sun. Each revolution takes many many years. They would come and go, and i can only see them once in a life time. I know they are orbitting our sun, but they are so faraway too.

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