August 31, 2006


Posted in Uncategorized at 9:09 am by changisme

I wonder how much I really believe that the so called truth is just stories. I certainly like the fun of it, and I think I experience it myself as each piece of my life is soaked in semiopague colourings. I like to talk to people about my experience partly because it allows me to organize my thoughts. However, as I speak, my words are indeed affected by my as well as the audience’s state of mind at the time. That makes those thoughts subjective but not only affected by myself. I wonder if that’s what relationships are about, sharing of life and points of views.
In that sense, I think maybe truth is just stories, stories that are shared and intertwined.
I used to feel that objectivity is so blend and sad, but what is objectivity exactly? Is it the limit of the story as the number of sharing participants goes to infinity? If it is, it’s rather a beautiful light of white, for all the colourful lights blends together. I wonder if objectivity is just the story of God. It’s not a total lack of opinion or humanism. On the contrary, it is the fullness of all views and all aspects of stories.
Probably I’m becoming more and more Canadian, where people start to value transculturalism over the "melting pot", I think the blended up objectivity is rather confusing and not very cozy for me to live with. I think it would be nice still to see lights in its rainbow form, but I think it’s very splendid  to know that the white light of the sun is there for me to enter where all the rainbows fan out. I think by the comfort of the exsistence of this source I can appreciate those colours beyond my eyes.

August 30, 2006

attachment and admiration

Posted in Uncategorized at 10:25 am by changisme

The hike was a very interesting experience. It’s something I’ve never done before. The part I realy like is the fact that there was hardly anbody except for us. Every couple hours, we would come accross some people, who smile and greet as they enjoy themselves as well. I’m probably not one of those people who like to strain their body, so I don’t really like those hikes that make me too tired to actually look at what’s around me. I felt a little bit that way when I tried to keep up during the Grouse Grind. This time, we took our time, and I could look around and really swallow all the splender around me. That being said, I’m feeling very sore today!
I knew that I got quite attached to the trees, bushes and streams in BC, and I alays thought i really don’t like the dry stony because I didn’t get attached to it. Each time I go to the mountains near my grandparents’ town, I’d have a good time, but never did I feel that it’s a place I feel reluctant to leave. I’d help pick out interesting tree roots, and really want to go home and show the rest of the family. However, with places that trees would embrace me from all direction, i feel like I want to be in there forever.
When we hiked up from the foot of a mountain to the top, we’d see trees shrink and the become more compact, grass become drier and driver. Nevertheless, the lives are still living. I just suddenly felt that I like the top of the mountain as well!! maybe I’m not so attached to it, maybe it’s not in my body, I see the beauty and find it like a friend with whom I would want to walk on shoulder by shoulder. I don’t know if it’s my start of understanding the different kinds of loves. The feeling was not clear and neither was it mature. As we walked down all the forest trails the next day, where I felt very pleasant and simply didn’t want to get out, I thought about that "old" friend up above these treetops. I felt like I wanted those stones as my neighbours.
Next time we do this, we need a longer time I think. 🙂

August 27, 2006


Posted in Uncategorized at 7:06 am by changisme


August 25, 2006

I think I should stop feeling excited.

Posted in Uncategorized at 9:36 am by changisme

This morning’s paper is full of misery (other than the interesting Pluto business). There’s some girl being isolated for 8 years, some champainer for the blind put to jail for more than 4 years for the charge of disrupting public order, there’s some polution problem in the river… the list goes on and on.
What am I doing? I’m being excited. I’m happy, and hopping around having tons of fun. Maybe I’m desensitized by all that news? For awhile, I meant to just stop readin the paper or any kind of news about wars or crimes or whatever, but it didn’t seem to work. For one, I get curious looking at the title, and also, people keep on talking about it anyway. It’s like those books that are good to read because their writing is so real, and they are so unreal too, because they are so different from my experience. It’s kinda like fantasy, except for it’s not "fantastic" in a certain sense. I keep reading these things in awe, and at the same time fall into turmoil. This reality is just messed up, it’s not well-aligned at all!!!

August 23, 2006

Black humour

Posted in Uncategorized at 11:13 am by changisme

It’s sad that I had to put down A Fine Balance and now I still feel like I can’t quite enjoy it. It’s a very well written book, and I think it’s really a black humour of chao. I assume it’s a big exaggeration of how much people suffer, or even if not exaggeration, at least a collage of everyone’s sufferring into a few people. It’s a collection of such vivid images.
I don’t know if it’s ignorant of me to assume that it’s an exaggeration, maybe simply because Mistry’s always been humourous as a writer, or maybe I just really refuse to accept the fact that people suffer badly in chaos. Maybe it’s just those years of instability eh? What about now? What abou tthe other places other han India? There are certainly a lot of chaos in this world right now. Do people suffer?
I don’t know if I should accept that fact. It’s quite offensive really, to me, myself. I don’t want to accept it, because first of all, I feel like I can do nothing about it. Second of all, I feel the people there could hardly do anything about it. Then do I want myself to be blind? I don’t think life should be a humourous tragedy, but why should life be anything? Then, are we not players in our lives and just a bunch of chesspieces? Am I just living in heaven right now and not see those who are suffering in hell?
Why do people like to write about human suffering? Doesn’t that agonize them? This is sick.

August 22, 2006

ayayay, school starting

Posted in Uncategorized at 9:56 am by changisme

I have such a mixed feeling about school now. Last night, I just stayed home, nice and quiet, read novels as much as I wanted, drew a little. I can’t ever have nights such as this when school starts, especially when midterms start at the end of September! Learning is such a weird thing. i like it and I hate it. They have the list of textbooks to buy already, and now it’s the time for an annoying shopping spree. The geometry book looks very pretty and I heard we even get to make a very interesting computer project at the end. Isn’t that exciting? On the other hand, look at the timing, everything’s due and that project will be one of it. Why do the reds and greens have to be so bleak in the beauty and stress of it all.
I’m kinda envious of Chi-Wai at Stats Can. He’s taking these courses that are very interesting, including French FOR FREE during working hours! He says it’s totally not stressful compre to school, the focus is just to learn and nobody give you a grade. i don’t know if i would learn as much in that kind of environment, but I’m totally up for the lax and fun. Hehe.
MAMAya I"m scared! This reminds me of the old school days when summer was ending. I gues, though the fear is similar, I am looking forward to a lot of things I’m going to learn now more than then.

August 21, 2006

expression of love

Posted in Uncategorized at 9:04 am by changisme

It’s amazingly sad how we talk empty things and not really mean it. Yesterday at church, before the kids left for sunday school, Grant asked them how people show that they love somebody. The kids said, "you tell them" and "you do things for them", and after some effort, "you spend time with them". I think those are beautiful answers. Later on after the service, some adult was asked, and I just over heard it. "How do you love someone?" "We love them through God of course."
It might be slightly different as how we show we love and how we love, but I think in this context, it’s not that much different. I feel like we are making this world, this life and this God of ours into a big rigid mold designed by ourselves and try to melt ourselves into it. We are fabergasted by how we are different in nature from that mold. We think that we are making ourselves and our children better by restructuring our bones, while God made us beautiful and more beautiful than that stupid cast of ours.
I guess there arises the problem of sin. Apparently, we are not all nice and good, because  there is disharmony, but somehow, I start to feel that it’s not so much that we are built poorly, as if we cannot express love without an institution telling us TO LOVE THROUGH GOD, but it’s the weakness we have and we take detours in our lives and that results in the disruption of harmonic relationships. Isn’t that what it started to be anyway?That the sin was a severed relationship with God and his creation? Nobody said, oh Adam an Eve were deformed all of a sudden and their brain cells suddenly became rubbery and they stopped knowing how to show love.
I’m not really trying to make a scholarly argument, for I know little of such things. It’s jus tthat it’s sad when people try to cast away their nicely made selves. I don’t think they can really get rid of it, but the effort is still a waste.

August 20, 2006


Posted in Uncategorized at 10:24 am by changisme

不要自己把自己拉起来.我试了两三次成功了!简直是太有意思了,感觉水面是硬的,两旁和两脚之间白花花的三道粉碎的泡沫,到了嘴里,咸咸的.不过整个身体还是很累的,今天早上起来肩膀和后背的肌肉酸痛!! Ahhhhh!!

August 18, 2006


Posted in Uncategorized at 9:44 am by changisme

I don’t know why I often dream about people I love getting hurt, and I seem to know that it’s coming and don’t seem to change it so much. It’s not to say that I don’t get upset int he dreams, I do still. I just sort of let it play out by itself.
Last night I dreamt that I was with some young people ina basement suit, and my dad and some older people on the top. We seemed to have broken the law somehow and a bunch of policemen have surrounded our house. I fished around in the house for awhile and got really tired of the game, so I opened a dorr. Policemen packed outside, so I somehow managed to close the door, but I still wanted some adventure, so I opened another door, and this time I didn’t manage to close it. I didn’t quite struggle much, I jsut got out, and a couple people who were with me, one being Fiona (oddly, she’s a co-op student I know from Ottawa, I haven’t talked to her since I left). Anyway, we got out, at first bounded, and then after awhile, I didn’t want to be bounded, so I just "though away" the ropes.
We waited a little at the gate and I thought, oh man, my dad’s gonna get hurt, but let’s see what happens. Then a string of people filed over an dmy dad being one of them. His face flashed a little in the darkness, for a while I felt he had glasses on. It’s weird, because he never wore glasses in his life. When the policeman sort of stopped bracing him, he fell and I ran over. My heart clanching and asked him what happened. "Ta men fang qiang le.(They fired)" I didn’t try to look at the wound, but I thought it’s to be on the left leg. I was just there having his body close to mine.
i wonder if it’s really evil to have thoughts like that, because it’s almost like that I want people to get hurt so they can need me at all. I want to cry whenever I realize i can be so sinister. What can I do though? I mean… I can’t stop myself form feeling things like this can I? Even if I can control my dreams, I can’t stop myself from wanting to control my dreams in a certain way. People would tell me to pray about it, and let God cleans my heart. Maybe I just don’t have a consistant enough prayer life. The times when i did pray, He doesn’t seem to take away my feelings. It seems like He puts it there even though i dislike them.
It might be just remotely related, but in Gilead, it says that covetise is not so much desiring other people’s virtue, as rejecting it, refuse to appreciate its beauty. I guess in my case, it’s not so much desiring other people’s virtue, but what those people give those whom they value. In many cases, i don’t even know who they value more than me, as in my dad’s case. I know he values me a great deal, and I should be content and appreciate what he gives, but I still seem to fear, fear that I’m not needed. Aye… this is terrible.

too in tuned with the environment

Posted in Uncategorized at 9:17 am by changisme

I don’t know if I’m too affected by what’s around me, too in tune with what’s around me. I sure seem to be always aware of what is happening around me. Even when I’m thinking about an interesting idea, I can still keep track of those little sounds around. I know this is not the kind of "genius" our world has, those people who can get engulfed in something and nothing else seem to matter. Maybe that’s why I can never play a computer game for a whole night without eating or sleeping. I reminds me of those childhood times when I just could not concentrate and all I wanted to do was hopping around and see all those interesting things around. Maybe that has not yet perished. I guess I don’t have to be a genius, but it’s kinda neat if i can know what it’s like to be one.
I guess the thing I’m a little disappointed about is that Eric told me people like that almost can’t be hypnotized or do lavitation, because they can’t quite separate their minds with their body. It’s funny though, because sometimes I do seems to be able to do that, well not exactly separate my mind with my body because I sometimes feel that my body is away from the rest of the world. I feel that I’m outside and I’m … a joker. It’s sad what it feels like actually. It feels like I am in another world with my body and a selection of things.
Maybe the distance between the mind and the body and the environtment is not just a one-dimeentional distance space, but a multidimentional spectrum. I could be sitting somewhere in a valley and just wonder how it’s like to be someone else in another part of this strange topological space. it would be so fascinating if I could try… Maybe that’s why I’m so nosy about what other people are thinking and feeling, it’s more interesting than any kind of cruise if I can try being someone else.

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