August 10, 2006

a gate without fences

Posted in Uncategorized at 1:08 pm by changisme

At the bus stop I take 49, there is this house with a rather open lawn and a stone walkway towards the door of the house. In the middle of that walkway, there is a pretty new wodden gate about chest high. The thing is the yard doesn’t have a set of fences around it. I don’t know if it’s because it’s broken or what, but it’s not been there for quite a while, as long as I’ve been here anyway.
The gate is just like that, standing there by itself in the middle of a big open area. It looks really lonely. I can’t help but shower pity over it, since it looks so… purposeless and not pretty either. maybe it’s synpathetic also because the "whole" property look more incomplete with that gate there than without. I wonder if that’s what it’s like to be "extra", not needed.
When I’m at home with my parents, I never really feel tha tway, because we are such a small family, lacking one person would be quite disabling. Now that we are all separated, it’s really difficult. Everybody refuse to talk about it or admit it but everyone knows that it’s terrible. I think we accept it simply because it’s common among Chinese families here. Actually it’s not even common anymore because I no longer live with my mom. In most cases that would meanthe parets would reunite somewhere in this world.
Baba wants someone who needs him. In theory he doesn’t lack that someone at all, but not at his finger tip. mama… I don’tunderstand her, so I’ll pass her case. Me… I think my hormone is driving me in a similar way, I want to love someone very dearly and feel needed. It’s not like I can’t love my parents, and in fact I do, but we don’t see each other, my mom is just everywhere. She would disappear someday and her friend would worry and call me. I would just be placidly tell them it’s just her, nothing bad would happen. Do I really not worry? I guess I just feel she doesn’t need me to worry.
I want to love bab but he’s miles and miles away. His life runs normal with or without either one of us. I think that’s a very cruel thing to say because he would certainly be heartbroken I guess, but I don’t know… physical vacinity is such an important thing. Maybe that’s why I seek some other sources that I would be needed in sense of love. Maybe I should be on this transfer. it’s part of growing up and leaving the nest isn’t it?


  1. Jane said,

    hmm, I find it sort of hard to love my parents … they are people that I have so much history with that there\’s a combination of things we take for granted, and things they have done for me (so gratitude), but also a feeling of things they have forsaken me (if only b/c I\’ve always thought of parents as gods that should be perfect) … so I get along with them,and feel pretty loyal to them, and appreciate them…does that come close enough to love?

  2. Karen said,

    yeah that\’s the thing with me too. I just feel like if I have love with other people that are burning with sparks like when I sprinkle pepper onto the candle (wink), my love for my parents is so dull and hard to even be identified as hearty love, just like when I put the piece of bread in that flame, it just stayed there, smelled a little, didn\’t explosde, and after a little while, there\’s just this little gap between the flame and the bread… There\’s definitely marks and relationships, but it\’s just there and probably will be for a long time.

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