August 17, 2006

who am I now???

Posted in Uncategorized at 2:54 pm by changisme

Yesterday we went to this worship service. The music was great and there was a couple speech afterwards. One of them was someone who was quite lost in his life—very unhappy and hurting others and himself, and then found his life back in the support of the Church. One can definitely tell, he’s not one of those bookworms or highly educated people, for he talked in slangs and crude jokes. It was very moving and humourous.
 
Then there was a very charasmatic speech by a baptist kinda guy. I think my reaction was quite critical. I guess I’m quite shocked by the fact that I’m so critical at all. What he talks about, I quite agree, but why am I so cool and outside, while he’s jumping up and down yelling? If it was 3 or 4 years ago, I’d say, well, when peole are overly excited, I tend to draw back and see. I don’t know now… Maybe there’s still that factor, but I wonder if it’s also because I have become a Pharasee-type of person, having my own idea of what life and Christianity should be about and look down up on other peole in their understanding? I wouldn’t say I don’t accept them or don’t value them. I think i do, but still, I seem to see it as "other". Somehow I’d want to put them automatically ouside of my realm, so I can see it from an outsider’s point of view.
 
I don’t like this concept of otherness. It seems to distant myself from other people and other things. Nonetheless, I seem to do it a lot. It’s one of those stages I get to when I try to value others when not instinctively able to. If I were to put different people’s positions in my mind but put them in their own little pockets, so I can keep them separate from my judgement, I’d need to distant them a little bit in order to do that.
 
I really do hope that I can embrace everyone and their "good" would explode in my eyes like fireweeds in the fields, but it’s just so very difficult!!!
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