September 27, 2006

Peace…

Posted in Uncategorized at 1:36 pm by changisme

"Peace be with you." That’s what people wish, but never seem to be more true under the "protection of God than otherwise. Maybe I’m just being critical, but there’s always struggles. One might argue that the struggles with God’s eyes upon hir is not as bottomless as it would be otherwise. I don’t really know how I have experienced that personally if I ever had the comparison. It’s almost like saying struggling without God could be infinitely agonizing while struggle together with God is only very bad. Infinity and very much is quite the same thing outside of the theoretical sense.
 
Maybe that’s where hope comes in eh? Infinity means I might never find, and very much means… I will find… some day. I don’t know if I’m really fond of this explaination of the hope. It makes hope sounds so distant and irrelavent. Maybe hope needs to stand away from the dimention of time and shine through life. It would be a space parallel to your own and penetrate, the intensity of the light wouldn’t be dependent on where you are in the space-time, but rather how far you are from the "hope".
 
Better yet, this parallel space would have zero distance from our own, then every smile I see are flashes of the other space within me and mine. The girl in the turquoi top I saw, the one who was holding a inch-thick book with hard glossy cover, shines through life. She passed through the path shadowed by the maple trees. She’s probably seeing them in a different light, I thought. She’s probably wondering about what her friend is doing, or she might be thinking how tired she is from cramming her homework. Who knows? I’m’ just kinda interested, because she blended into that sparkle of hope.
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September 26, 2006

from a distance…

Posted in Uncategorized at 8:06 pm by changisme

Before dawn this morning, I skyped with my dad. I don’t know why seeing him shone by the sun ticked my heart. I was just reminded that we are in such different places. If I were to get into an instant transporting machine, would I really get transported, every atom of me?
 
I feel I would have to somehow split the space and crack the axises. I feel that I would end up in the middle of the space, but not really be within it. It’s as if there is suddenly two layers of curtain in the middle of the stage, and I just happen to fall between the two. I would be on the stage, but not really, the play would keep going on its course and I’d be fighting through the fabric.
 
I guess it wouldn’t be exactly new, because our family never was part of anything. It’s not until I talk to many people these days, like my roommie and others from Beijing, that I realized, we were sort of by ourselves to start with. We never had guests, and we weren’t very sociable, we didn’t vote and we never had more than 6 people during Chinese New Year.
 
Nonetheless, I guess we were still part of the society. I didn’t quite understood what fitting in mean until I recently actually do fit in a lot of times. I think it’s alright though. That’s probably the good thing about living in a big city. It doesn’t make you feel that strange to be different. I actually don’t know why it doesn’t. Maybe it’s just that ther eare so many things one need to ignore and is capable of ignoring, ignoring some more is not that notable.
 
It’s nice to talk to Yan, because everything feels so familiar and yet so strange. Many many things she talks about like going to the Chinese New Year Fair, or relationships between students and teachers were all things hovering around my ears for years and years, but strangely, I was never part of. She talked about getting tons of boxes of moon cakes from the many many friends her parents have sounded all so familiar, because it’s stereotipically what every family seem to experience during this season, but strangely, we never seemed to have moon cake problems (it’s not that we eat them up so fast!). It’s funny when she says how when she left all her aunts and uncles took turn eating out with her family and asked her when to go back. It’s such a typical thing, but strangely, we left, and I went to my grandma and grandpa’s for a week and a half and spent some nice quiet time with them and never did we mention coming back or careers…
 
It’s strange.
 
I might sound jealous, but I’m not really. I liked the quiet little family we had, and the simply social network which we never needed to bother with gift-come and gift-go’s. It seems so different now, but I never realized when I was in it.
 
I really wonder, what would I realize when I’m at a distance looking at the life I have now in UBC and Vancouver. Life is such an interesting thing.

September 24, 2006

How much of me is simply between God and me?

Posted in Uncategorized at 2:14 pm by changisme

I guess I get influenced by what other people tell me, especially when others say it in a nice way and repeatedly. I don’t know how much is just my own decisions an dmy own values, or are my values simply a collection of my experience?
 
I’m pretty sure kids have values too. I clearly remember being a young child hearing two different teachings and making a choice even though the person I finally agreed with was less respectful to me than the other. I think that should be an evidence of the fact that there must be somethings that are just my values right? (Okau, it’s not a ver powerful argument, but it’s some evidence for sure.)
 
However, why do I hold on to so many ideas what are against my values? When people told me kindly I can’t do this and I can’t do that, why do I kindle them? Simply because they were kindly said? Even now when many people say that I should be realistic, and don’t hold on to something that you can’t achieve. When my parents, whom I feel I have stopped being dependent on, say these things, why do I feel like opening up my palm and painfully receiving the buring iron. It hurts.
 
I think it’s worse than just taking in things people tell you and agree with them, that’s it. When I take in things I don’t agree with, my heart splits and skull cracks.
 
I wish I could say, who cares about what other people say, I lead my own life, but I can’t! My God, I’m weak, and I’m not super optimistic people with strong mind and incredible intellect. I am me. Whenever I try to stand up, my hear more and more clearly the voices hovering over me. They have turned into my own voice, my own thoughts. I can’t help but giving up, maybe my self was knitted up by all the different materials. I can’t help but giving up praying about stop thinking this way, because it only gets me really frustrated. Patience Karen…patience…

September 22, 2006

I’m actually in a pretty good mood

Posted in Uncategorized at 8:16 pm by changisme

It might well because I SAS, with one procedure, conquered my problem which I spent hours trying to solve with R. I guess in a way I’m a little annoyed, because using that procedure kinda means I gave up on the program I almost finished, but the point of fact is, some of the output I had there was wrong, or at least different from the output by SAS. There must be some unknown intricacies.
 
* * *
 
My profs are driving me nuts, some of them are just … arg.. I can’t believe how people can allow them to teach! Oh well, at least I have one good math prof and one good stats prof. Why can’t things just be ALL good LOL? Okay, I’m just feeling a little giddy.
 
* * *
 
It’s really been quite a while since I last spent some time in the evening at home. I think it’s nice, especially since I don’t really need to have that programming assignment on my mind. Maybe things will be alright afterall? That’s probably what hope is. I don’t like to think of hope as some grand coming of something totally different, or an abstract idea. Maybe there’s some good things related to that but since personally I’m not hoping for it everyday, you can’t really call it hope. The noun and th verb are pretty closely related 
 
My hopes are in these little sparkles in life. Every so often I see a beautiful rainbow, sometimes for quite a while, and I know goodness exist, and I think a lot of times, that’s enough. That’s what I’m striving for and living towards. I’m not doing everything in vain, or worshipping something I created simply for the sake of struggling to live in a vaccume. Anyways. Life is good.

September 20, 2006

A really weird and funny dream

Posted in Uncategorized at 10:26 pm by changisme

Today wasn’t very fun, although I did walk around the clubs, but I had a really funny dream last night. I think that compensade a bit.
 
I dreamed that I went back to my dad and he got this new toilet! He said, oh you know, we’ve earned some money, so I bought this good toilet. It’s one of those old styled squatting toilet which we had till I was thirteen. It was very shiny and white and new though. The new toilet had some special "cool" features, one is the water your butt feature which a lot of toilet seats do have. Also, it had this feature where the toilet forms a film with the water when no one’s using it to avoid things falling in. I think it’s a very useless feature, dunno why it’s in my dream.
 
I didn’t like that toilet though, because it was SO BIG! It was wide and long and I found I had such a hard time squatting over it. The designer must have known the toilet was big, so the two sides for the feet were tilled in a U shape so I was pretty much keeping myself against gravity with my leg muscles!
 
You might say I must have been wanting to pee when I was sleeping, but whatever, it’s funny nevertheless.
 
 

September 18, 2006

A not so nice day

Posted in Uncategorized at 7:22 pm by changisme

Today just isn’t very happy. Nothing too bad happened. Well… actually there is something annoying, because I just found out (shame!) that there’s actually a couple 4th year honours courses in stats I need to take and which requires me to be in school for the entire winter session. That means I won’t be able to do co-op during my final year. It sucks…
 
Well, also this morning I didn’t get to school as early as I wanted to, so I hit the traffic rush, and being in the stuffy bus also gave me a rather muggy mood I guess.
 
The stats experiment prof just writes and writes on the board and hardly speak a word, when he does he just says, "this is the derivation." Okay… thanks.
 
Anyways, maybe also because it’s wet and so much stats homework to do the programming. I’m not particularly … stressed, but just doesn’t want to do certain homework.
 
Other than that… I don’t know. I wonder sometimes if I’m sticking to others so much that they feel annoyed. They might feel that I’m depriving them of their personal lives? I don’t know… I tend to be quite eager in these kinda things sometimes and don’t really know what the distance should be. On the one hand, there probably is an optimal distance, onthe other hand… I feel these kinda thing probably is rather dynamic. Aye.. I don’t know… this world is complicated.

September 17, 2006

scrambling and roughing

Posted in Uncategorized at 8:41 am by changisme

Shoreline Cleanup was very nice, thanks to some people and the wonderful weather. I feel like I was back in the summer again. It felt so good to be outside. At first, I still struggled to open my eyes to see near the sun, then I realized it was nice and it was okay to just close my eyes and enjoy the sun.
 
Anyways, I like scrambling up and down. When I was down near the water, probably I didn’t pick up enough garbage, missed quite a lot, but just being on all fours and having the water near me less than half a foot a lot of times was neat. You’d think this kind of fun would spoil my appetite for school, but actually it hasn’t, strangely enough. Both seem to be interesting at this point, hope the stress of midterms won’t make too much of a difference.
 
Peter was very funny. He asked why we don’t pick up dead wood anymore like last time. it’s amazing he remembered that, I said maybe because it’s not too bad for the ocean or it’s not too ugly to be there. He said he thought they were ugly. Actually it’s true in a way I thought. I wonder if I would think they were ugly if I didn’t know they were part of British columbia near the water, where wood floats everywhere.
 
To be honest, given the rest ofthe scenery, the road, the town houses, even the rocks on the sea wall, were so even and well distributed, you don’t really feel it’s as wild as dead wood, which didn’t look so out of place as in some wilder places. It’s all relative isn’t it? When that piece of the beach/dyke is "owned" by us, is it that us, including the road and townhouses, out of place, or  the rest of the things. We seem to make this world a strange combination by our own convenience.

September 15, 2006

stuck in a vicious cycle

Posted in Uncategorized at 11:01 am by changisme

I’m getting a lot of sleep and eating nice meals, so it’s not about a vicious cycle in a busy school year. No.
 
I hate myself for being so competitive. I want to be better than other people. In my mind I know that first of all, I don’t need to be all "good" to be accepted, not just by God, but by other people as well. There are plenty of wonderful people around me who would accept me as a friend and family member no matter how "good" I am. This good, I guess is in acheivements and in behaviors.
 
I don’t know how to stop this. I feel each time I pray about it, I become unsure even as in whether or not I want to completely give up myself, my desire to be in this fighting position. I like to be very careful talking about giving up oneself to God and His people. There are one level of desires that allow me to be who I am and be able to appreciate the beauty of this world, there si one other level of desire I feel that forms a vicious cycle.  My mind has not yet wrapped around what these two different levels are.
 
The reason I say it’s a vicious cycle is that, I think the reason I want to outperform is because of insecurity and lack of self-esteem. On the other hand, I can’t stop myself from hating my various natures, envy being one of them. Theoretically, if I just accept myself for who I am and say, okay being a little envious is alright because I’m not perfect, so long as I try then it’s fine. In reality however, things just doesn’t work that way. If I want to change myself from being so competitive, I’ve gotta detest it, and in fact I do no matter how I try not to. I think it’s because I don’t like being with others who want to press me down so much, so I see myself in the mirror frown on the shade of green in my eyes.
 
If then I don’t liike myself because of that competitiveness and all the derivatives of it, I see myself as a lower and lower animal. I guess the presentation breaks down when one questions the existence of "lowness" or.. ranking as it were. Even if it’s a complex field, there’s order anyway! I was talking to a Campus Crusade about our confidence in our personal understanding. He said, "well, but some people do have a better understanding." I guess as much as it is not for us to judge, it could well be true. Do I really have to somehow lie to myself in order to gain confidence? Could it be just a deviation from the path and I could come back again after I am ready to really accept my lowliness, and not just by saying "God is always gonna be better anyway,, so it’s okay for me to be not so very good."?

September 13, 2006

Sacred Song

Posted in Uncategorized at 10:15 pm by changisme

I don’t think any trip has had as much effect on me as my trip to Italy so far. That was more than six years ago, now when I hear the Andrea Bocelli songs we had in the car when we traveled around, my heart still spin and cringe. It supercedes all the feeling I have when listening to music. For many years after the trip, I refused to listen to that CD Marco burnt for us as souvanir. I could call it fear maybe, fear of wanting that time to be back? Only when I once again left Beijing, and here in Canada, could I reply that CD, and that was three years later almost. Even then, coming out to Canada was not like that trip to Italy.
 
I actually couldn’t quite tell what about that trip that gave my heart such a shake. All the touristism places we went didn’t move me that much. I liked Florence, which was filled with street artist, but disliked Venice because it was so touristy. Even when we were at the World Youths’ Day, I wasn’t quite affected, I guess because first of all, I cared little about my faith then, and even less about the Pope. In addition, I loathed the amount of people, just like in Beijing once again. Millions and millions of them.
 
I think it was the life I saw. it was the life on a little farm with drooping grapes, ripe and unripe tomatoes, lemons around the door, even just weeds near the driveway. It was the life away from all the crowds, with Illa the dog (I wonder how she is now), 2 other dogs Vladi and Molly, 20 cats. It was the life where I listened to the adults talk under the moonlight with a little shotglass of heavy wine. It was the life when my bed was right underneath a skylight for me to see the stars so clear.
 
I could remember every detail when we went to a restaurant on a farm where three very nice young men served fondoo of various kinds. I left the table after 3 minutes (partly because fondoo didn’t attract me that much), mostly because there was a pair of stray puppies. One of them was grey and another white. They had huge scared eyes and folded ears. They were very keen on staying on my lap. I hardly ever had people wanting to be with me that much. I loved those babies so much (I know it’s selfish). I remember Marco looked at me in a very synpathetic expression, but mom and aunty had to stay firm on the fact that we could not take them home. I remember walking out of the restaurant leaving those puppies in the bushes. They must be pretty big by now if they survived. Marco said then that they are middle sized dogs.
 
When we left at the airport, Marco sent us off. At the security checkin, my legs walked on, and I saw his figure became smaller and smaller. Tears welled up in my eyes. I’ve never cried before during farewell, and never did I ever again. I don’t think anyone saw me for I turned around quickly and tailed after my mom and aunty. I stopped myself quite quickly afterwards. There and then, I sealed up the sacredness of my experience.
 
It could well be that I hated school and all the people in it so much then, that being away from Beijing and having Marco, his mother (who gave me a glass goose), Elisa and Illa the dog being so loving made such a contrast. It could also be that having to pick tomatoes and showering illa felt like much better chores than having to compete with other students and be so very anal about one or two marks. I don’t know…
 
I still feel a little fear listening to those songs now. The feeling of Illa leaning on me in the backseat still swim back. I still fear. i fear that the beauty of those times will never ever come back. I fear that the final note of all the memoir will always be sadness and that metalic seal I put on at the airport. On the one hand, i don’t want to listen to Andrea Bocelli so much so I don’t dilute the intense beauty of the feeling whenever I do. On the other hand, I do, really do, want to listen to them. I want to go back to those dreams.
 
I don’t know if my life is so comfortable now, and people are so nice around me that I don’t have the contrast so I no longer treasure these good friendships and environment. I don’t know if there’s anything I can do to preserve my sensitivity. I can’t think of any. The only thing I can do is to try, and I can pray.
 
p.s. I always hated trying to buy things back from where I travel. The only things I brought back were memories, photoes and a little cross with five coloured dove on it. I really liked it then because it wasn’t a cross that looked like a religious symbol and it wasn’t a cross that looked like a piece of jewelery either. It was a pretty cross.
 
p.p.s. this became kinda long, but I couldn’t help it because I heard my sacred song.

September 12, 2006

I got it!!! I got it!!!

Posted in Uncategorized at 12:04 pm by changisme

Oh man, I thought about the Pappus Variation of Pythagorean Theorem for so long! I think I thought about it on and off for probably 2 hours if not more! I got kinda stubborn so I didn’t want to think about the similar proof for Py Theorem first, I just wanted to do this one alone for some weird reason. I guess it’s just still not very long since I started thinking, otherwise I would have started searching for stepping stones.
 
Anyways, I guess talking to Jane was inspiring or something, even though we didn’t really discuss the details, I suddenly got it afterwards while walking towards SUB (I just got annoyed and wanted to go there and get the dance class schedule).
 
Now that I look at it, it’s not that tricky, I thought about that approaches, but somehow didn’t get it. It’s kinda silly really. Wahhh now I’m happy, but then I have the rest of the homework I don’t know how to do. Aye… I now know the first two questions out of five… I don’t know if it’s a good sign to think about the first question for 2 hours LOL.

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