September 15, 2006

stuck in a vicious cycle

Posted in Uncategorized at 11:01 am by changisme

I’m getting a lot of sleep and eating nice meals, so it’s not about a vicious cycle in a busy school year. No.
I hate myself for being so competitive. I want to be better than other people. In my mind I know that first of all, I don’t need to be all "good" to be accepted, not just by God, but by other people as well. There are plenty of wonderful people around me who would accept me as a friend and family member no matter how "good" I am. This good, I guess is in acheivements and in behaviors.
I don’t know how to stop this. I feel each time I pray about it, I become unsure even as in whether or not I want to completely give up myself, my desire to be in this fighting position. I like to be very careful talking about giving up oneself to God and His people. There are one level of desires that allow me to be who I am and be able to appreciate the beauty of this world, there si one other level of desire I feel that forms a vicious cycle.  My mind has not yet wrapped around what these two different levels are.
The reason I say it’s a vicious cycle is that, I think the reason I want to outperform is because of insecurity and lack of self-esteem. On the other hand, I can’t stop myself from hating my various natures, envy being one of them. Theoretically, if I just accept myself for who I am and say, okay being a little envious is alright because I’m not perfect, so long as I try then it’s fine. In reality however, things just doesn’t work that way. If I want to change myself from being so competitive, I’ve gotta detest it, and in fact I do no matter how I try not to. I think it’s because I don’t like being with others who want to press me down so much, so I see myself in the mirror frown on the shade of green in my eyes.
If then I don’t liike myself because of that competitiveness and all the derivatives of it, I see myself as a lower and lower animal. I guess the presentation breaks down when one questions the existence of "lowness" or.. ranking as it were. Even if it’s a complex field, there’s order anyway! I was talking to a Campus Crusade about our confidence in our personal understanding. He said, "well, but some people do have a better understanding." I guess as much as it is not for us to judge, it could well be true. Do I really have to somehow lie to myself in order to gain confidence? Could it be just a deviation from the path and I could come back again after I am ready to really accept my lowliness, and not just by saying "God is always gonna be better anyway,, so it’s okay for me to be not so very good."?


  1. Bar said,

    What can I say? You are not alone in your struggle. The point is really not trying to be "good". That\’s besides the point. We do need to allow God to work through us in whatever we are. I struggle with my self-image for a long time, and I think you are at least aware of some of my struggles with that. But yah, breaking out of that cycle requires a surrending of whatever belief in ourselves that I or we can do good on our own to win people over.

  2. Jane said,

    It\’s interesting cuz I don\’t think I\’m competitive at all, at least not very explicitly, yet I know I always find it hard to like people who are better than me but I can automatically feel almost close to the person who I see as "lower" in some area of life than me. I wonder too what having confidence in myself means cuz I\’m not perfect and it can\’t be just an elevation of the way I see myself, yet it also seems wrong to not have confidence partly because it leads to jealousy and envy, partly because it seems like it\’ll lead to the parable where some servant was given a lot of money and he buried it instead of taking a risk and investing it.  To me, having confidence seems to be more of the "not afraid to take a risk and invest the money" than just making myself feel good, tho I do feel good when I\’m confident. I also found that I can\’t really be envious of someone if I\’m their friend and they do something nice for me…..and I almost always need something from other people so it can work out pretty well…

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