October 31, 2006

observer

Posted in Uncategorized at 4:56 pm by changisme

Generally, I’m the one who doesn’t recognize other people. Today, however, I got to take on the other role! I saw Hannah, Bena and others passed by me looking straight ahead not noticing I’m me! That’s just too fun to dismiss. I actually followed Bena a way observing her back as she walked. LOL Oh dear. I’m not gonna say anything even now!

October 30, 2006

scattered

Posted in Uncategorized at 10:15 pm by changisme

When the sun came out, I wondered…. how can this much light be so concentrated and fierces, while I can’t even keep such a small me together? Once the sun rises over the trees and houses, it started to scatter… I saw pennies of sunshine jingling on the ground, on trees and bushes, and on people. Why do you want to break yourself like this, I wanted to ask the sun, who didn’t bother answering and just kept on desolving into everything and anything.
 
* * *
 
I feel so out of place… I really don’t know if I should have been where I was and should now be where I am, and should be going to where I will be going.
It was semi-nice talking to Curtis. On the one hand, I knew that it was just his duty to be there, and maybe he’s very nice that he’d be there anyway. In any case, it’s a scheduled Bible study, although I never end up talking about any particular passage with Curtis or wish Richie who he was subbing for. In any event, we ended up talking about some random things. That just felt so nice…. I don’t know… some proper conversation actually.
 
Among the many things, I asked him what would it mean to live as a "whole" person. I didn’t mean in a way when people say living wholely as in seeing the world in all its sides and stuff… but being a whole person as in a unified and strong faithed person. I totally can’t comprehend living as someone like that, becuase I’ver never experienced it. I’m always feel ing internal conflicts and in a way I think many people do. My little blue girl and red girl fight almost on every single thing. Things get discovered as well as distroyed in fights like this.
 
I don’t know if living as more of a "whole" person is better than this scattered person like me. I certainly want to acheive such a state right now, really.. that must be so much more easily! Maybe I’m just trying to find a simple way out in life. There might not be one to start with.
 
Curtis said he’s not sure if it’s even good to be one of those whole people. There are so many people who are unwhole in this sense but did amazing things, and of course… there are those who did terrible things too. Is my own convenience getting through life more important or is it how much I can bless those around me? Do I even have a say in things like this?
 
* * *
 
I feel homesick.
I feel homesick for a home I do not even know of.
Where is my home?
Do I have one?
My home comes with me in my backpack.
My home is in the pages of my favourite stories.
My home is when I open my palm and seeing the familiar colours and creases.
 
* * *
 
I’ve never been a collector. Things are nice and I like them, but I don’t feel like putting them together for some reason. Their beauty stay in my mind and that’s about it. I don’t get attached to palces just like I don’t get attached to things. Maybe I should spare my mind some burden in carrying all this by putting some pieces of me along the way on some objects and some places. Yet again, do I even have a say in this? I’m just wired in a way that makes my mind tired, maybe some day it can just get so tired that it gives up completely. I can’t deny that sometimes I look forward to a day like that.
 

October 28, 2006

living

Posted in Uncategorized at 10:16 pm by changisme

I don’t know if it’s because of the work day, or because of meeting people (who I meet weekly at the same place but nowhere else… sadly), I feel like I’m not really living.Indeed, everything around me revolve around my thinking, my studies and my wills. I don’t really need to care for anybody, and my life is not really involved with anyone else’s. I feel like a cloud floating there. It’s not that people don’t notice me, but more that I don’t know where to put myself in relation to other people. It almost seems like I can only relate to other clouds, but I envy the lives of those who are on the ground, as much as they are resrained on the 2-dimentional surface, "dimention" seems to mean much more.
 
It’s probably just me always wanting what I do not have. It’s a rather pathetic state of mind. It’s not only over looking beauty and truth, but it’s also lacking of thanksgiving. On the other hand, there is indeed the craving of being needed and being useful. Is it that I can’t serve right now? No… it’s because I’m weak and small that I do not want to give up those small and tangible things (like pride and grades and so on), that I can’t spare time serving. I really don’t want to say anymore … okay I have to say it to make my point right? say anymore "love", before I really make it more real. Make it more real, by kindness and patience and tolerance and offering myself.
 
Too many words…

October 26, 2006

side track

Posted in Uncategorized at 2:06 pm by changisme

I think I got over the fact that I scored badly in Stat 404 way too quickly. It’s very "me" though, or maybe I just have really nice people around for me to complain about. You’d think that the midterm I got back yesterday would motivate me to study harder for today’s regression midterm. Well… no… Somehow, I’m just this ordinary boring human being once again.
 
I was in the library trying to prepare for the midterm this morning and then I got bored and unproductive, so I walked around and spotted Kafka’s biography. "This would be a nice stretch for my really ordinary life" I thought. As it turned out, Kafka, as weird as his writings might be, lead a really… iono kinda life! He lived his whole life in downtown Prague, where he was born. In other words… he didn’t go to exhautic places, he didn’t live in a cave and talk with lions and he didn’t do all kinds of jobs under the whip. In fact, his friend once said he’s Prague and Prague is him.
 
I guess it’s not just him eh? Many people who write really weirdly actually lived in just one place, or didn’t have a very rich life from an outsider’s eye. I haven’t finished reading the biography of course, so maybe Kafka did have some interesting life stories. In any case, I just thought maybe when someone is in one environment for a long time, they not only have a tendency to counter balance this homogeniosity, but also dig deep into the situation and see what others might not. S/he might even see its inverse, which might not be of any "otherness" from the environment itself (i.e. in an object as big as a town center, maybe both sides of things exist awaiting people to discover, but some live on one side of the river, and others live on the other, only people who spend time building a boat get to paddle back and forth in between). I feel that as I realize how little I know about Beijing, and even less about Vancouver.
 
Okay, I think I really should be a little more serious about my stats, if I ever want to be a statistician who don’t regret on her mistakes everyday, or maybe I wouldn’t even realize I made them!

October 24, 2006

Does faith provide possibilities?

Posted in Uncategorized at 7:34 pm by changisme

Just another thought while reading SOD. I think it’s a, though not completely original, yet still remarkable thing it says is that God is the provider of possibilities. Salvation is ultimately possibilites. It’s another way of saying faith is the source or hope, but from another angle. It’s so commoon among us though that faith or belief is the regulator of possibilities. The Universe becomes smaller when we have faith handcuffing us. Furthermore, we jingle the handcuffs around telling people its treasure its beauty.
 
I can’t count how many times have I been told from elders in the church that we are to filter out what we are not supposed to do in the world and walk our only road with Christ. It could be argued that this is a right statement, but really what the teaching is, is that we should train our minds to not see the other possibilites in this world because they are not holy, and simply do what the religion asks us to do. "Don’t go dress up in Halloween." They’d say… etc.
 
It really makes more sense to think of faith as the provider of more possibilities. The point of us, at least me, having faith at all is to recognizing somehting outside of me, something more powerful, and in fact the most powerful (if "most" means anything I can comprehend) aside from myself. He is at the end of each road we walk on. If I walk a path paved with thorns, I know I still have someone holding my hand. This fact alone provides the possibility of me facing the impossible.
 
If the way of me seeing the Universe is not any bigger but narrower, then I’m casting the gift of God into fire. I don’t know how that can be really worse than rejecting Him, if it’s even different from it.

step away

Posted in Uncategorized at 8:26 am by changisme

When I was in despair, someone suggested me reading Sickness Onto Death. I think on the one hand, I was amazed how somebody can create such a grand scheme of some rather widely accepted points(maybe just nowadays, not Kierkegaards’ days) he was making. It’s also very possible, but I’m just very dull that I didn’t really get all the intricacies of the psychostructure. On the other hand, it does make me feel, oh, I can pull away from this pretty easily. Maybe it puts me in perspective? It just makes me think, well.. you know, he makes everything sound like despair in a gradient, or catagories, and you can stress over possibilities and necessities; you can be too big to not despair, and you can be too small to not despair. He almost make s me feel like despair over despair is the best you can get. I don’t know though, seeing all that, just make me feel silly ever despairing at all.
 
It’s like working on math or stats, when I’m stressing over something, and someone else come along and starting stress out big time, and then I’d be like… oh was I stressing over here just like that over something that can be solved by just stepping back being in a position like I am now? It’s like a child crying, and then someone else come along hawling right beside him, he’d probably stop crying right away.
 
Probably I just still haven’t had enough bitterness in my life that nothing so crazy would apply to me. I’m not asking for it, just to clarify, but things are good now. I’m walking. Maybe on a rather shaky road, or sometimes it actually feel like walking on top of a train, I’m still walking. The best part is, there are people walking beside me. Maybe someday I fall off the train, then there’d be a road beside the track.

October 22, 2006

Addiction in knowing people

Posted in Uncategorized at 9:48 am by changisme

People are such interesting things. As complicated as they are, and as hard as they are for my dull mind to deal with, they are like seasons with colours, they are like bushes with (or without) flowers outside, but squirrels inside; they are like houses—sometimes who lives in it changes but the structure stands, and sometimes the same owner knocks the building down and build a new one.
 
Do I have an addiction getting to know people once I start? Maybe I do. They are incredible beings, not any less interesting than sets, groups and rings. I wonder if those artsy subjects are like people, never very well defined. I don’t know if I can be a true mathematician ever, because I find things that are not so well defined as attractive.
 
Is that magic? When you have things in the fog and somehow it just flowers? Some might say it’s just the might of God, some might say it needs to be better understood. I don’t know… it’s beautiful either way. It’s not to say parting the mist is not an indulging activity. Rather it’s the process of approaching that brings oneself into the mist as well as what s/he’s looking for. In no time, you’d feel that even though you still are not at the exact mathematical point as the other person, you’re both in the same body of cloud.
 
Okay, I know I’m not making sense, the main thing is that as I start to know some people mroe, I find they are fuller beings.

October 20, 2006

a leaf

Posted in Uncategorized at 8:25 pm by changisme

Have you looked at an autumn leaf falling off a branch? It’s a motion of spiraling down with wrinckly edges. They are slow for a falling object, but fast for the rest of us who rush around from point A to point B.
 
I wonder if the leaves are in despair when they are falling. Would they have a concept of self as they grief? When one greives, would it necessarily be wanting to get out of the self? Would it be necessarily be wanting to find the self?
 
Why can’t despair just be onto stillness? The dark frozen dimentionless state. Or… maybe like sometimes I feel, that everything, including myself, is changing in a speed of light. Images of life flash by leaving no time for you to lay a hand on. Why is there so much around me? It’s not that I don’t like them, but why do I feel they are all outside of me? I would be falling from a branch and everything else is just flashing by.
 
does it make me sound old? I hope not, because I actually feel like maybe because I’m young, so everything changes so much. Once in a while, you just want some peace… really.

October 18, 2006

this is how the day went.

Posted in Uncategorized at 10:24 pm by changisme

It was more than ordinary, other than the fact that I left the gas oozing out of the stove and the window wide open, so I think it’s lame to talk about it.
 
Okay, onto something else. There’s this sports field outside my house. It’s a rather nice and nothing-special kinda looking field, but I love walking through it at night. There’s this bird, I think it’s the same bird everytime. We have a date in the field. The bird would fly low round and round, and call out in patterns. I, as a begginner at whistling would try to converse with it. Okay, not really conversing, but just merely mimicking, but I am so off that I think it’s better to call it conversing.
 
I sometimes wonder if other animals communicate cross species a little better than we do with those not of our kind. Maybe some of them are better and some others not. It seems to me that I’m really bad indeed. If I have a pet, I wonder if my understanding their expressions is more of their adapting to me to me to them. My mom used to say why can’t you be better at telling when the adults (then) are mad and not bug them anymroe, just like your cousins who can know when "bugging" is the most productive technique?
 
Maybe it’s not just animals, peoples too. I wouldn’t say I have the worst language skills when it comes to simply the musicality of it, but really how does communication work and when to what level is such tricky stuff. A lot of people would say, oh don’t put so much stuff in your brain, some things are just like a puzzle you put in your hand as you solve it.
 
I’m not those people who keep everything in their brain though. I play around with things sink them into my body and feelings. I like to sit in a couch made of whatever I’m working on. Still… people, as much as I like them, are very difficult level of objects. They can’t be like books lay open on your lap awaiting you to page through. It’s almost like as you’re thumbing one page after another, even though you’re so sure that you went from one to the next, you still realize oh… where did these pages come from I never read, and the next minute, oh … I haven’t got here yet, but … somehow I’m having a deja vu!
 
Sometimes, your book just disappear into thin air. I find that rather disheartening. Maybe I just never read it, and just somehow imagined I did.
 
All these things are fun and interesting maybe.. but just in moderation. I don’t know why there’s so much access of this stuff here. God, do you know? You should know right? And you just don’t want to give me an answer. People say you do give answers to those who seek, then maybe when you answered me, I just ignored. Or… I’m just not patient enough again? (I think I’m overly patient, so I didn’t even finish my stats midterm today…=_=")

October 15, 2006

Back to the winter routine

Posted in Uncategorized at 10:25 pm by changisme

The sky burried much tears with frustration for the past month. It probably tried to resolve the pain in many different ways. Sometimes it might have seemed to work a bit, but ultimately, the rain is there. It just needed to come down. I don’t blame it really. Things are like that.
 
I wonder how much of the result is how much you try, maybe it really doesn’t quite matter. It’s hard work, it really is. There’s talent too though. I don’t know how some gaggets can make music fountains out of water while the purest, vastest sky just has to dump it like this. Whatever, it’s just like this.

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