October 11, 2006

do control and feeling go together?

Posted in Uncategorized at 7:38 am by changisme

I really don’t knwo what to think about those who can control their feelings so well. On the one hand, I think it’s such a talent, to be able to let their hearts run free when they want to, but put a stop to it, or gear it towards something else when they think appropriate.
On the other hand, it sounds so scary. It’s almost like one can brain wash oneself. Maybe it’s not all that bad? Since the part of the brain that is doing the washing is not in the shower? Who knows, maybe it is. I think I feel it’s scary also because I can’t do it. My feelings run like water, sometimes like the spring river. I like it the most when it’s nice and warm of course, but when it floods, the people I love might get rushed over.There might even be times when it looks frozen over, but underneath, it’s still gurggling. All kinds of fishes give birth to their children and expand their colony.
What if I can let the season be what I like? Would I be able to allow all the weathers happy? It would be very boring if I only ask the summer to stay, or autumn I suppse? Do I have the courage to let it run loose? I guess part of the cowardice is also my lack of control of the mind.
I don’t really want to control it! I want the surprise, I want the rainbow after stormy weather. I don’t think I’m saying this because I’m at a rather good position right now. Part of me certainly wants me to be able to set myself as straight as possible at all times. I guess with better judgement, I want to leave some space for me to belong to the world.
p.s. Remembering the times when I used to control my feelings, they were not the real control some people I know now can esert, but burrying, maybe I’m afraid of those days, afraid of going back to the darkness. And yet, I shall keep an open mind, it could well be that the control can be a beautiful thing as I grow older.

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