October 14, 2006

nothing’s quiet….

Posted in Uncategorized at 10:44 pm by changisme

For some reason, I feel really inward today. I just wanted to be quiet and indulge in my own world, whether in math or just thinking about random daily stuff, or some struggles in this complicated though small world of mine. I spent some time not being so loud with a friend and just enjoyed it. I didn’t want to go to choir because I didn’t want to deal with all those people. I went to the thrift store, and that was kinda stressful, more so than I would feel in some other mood. It was loud and busy in there, and I just wanted to pay and leave.
Then I felt I probably have been a little too indulged in my own world for the past few days, so I went to the dinner and fellowship. I really did consider just go home and have some simple supper and read a book or do whatever. I went anyway, I don’t know if it’s all that smart, but so I did.
I guess it was alright, everybody was as s/he usually is dealing with the group. I think I must have looked the same too. We were singing and I really didn’t want to sing, I felt sad, I felt there are so much in this world, and I cannot, I just cannot handle. I want to retreat and just turn a blind eye on those things I seem to be able to comprehend mentally but too weak to actually resolve. I feel like theories are just so much easier even if they take me a long time to master, at least it’s in a scale of time only. Other things, they are such complex operations. I just feel so tired, I feel tired to observe all those axes.
In a way, I think it’s because I feel discouraged failing to befriend other people. I feel useless and can’t do much for them. I don’t know if it’s the same as feeling not needed, but it seems like everybody is carrying a big burden and when i had trouble, I went to them and they all take me into their arms and hear me rant. Now I see everyone else seems to have their own complicated worlds and I stand outside of every single one of them. It’s true though, I can’t really do anything… I have showed that, and people know that as a fact, why bother with me at all. I’m just a needy person they need to counsel. I see them, and i worry. They are such lovable people and I feel so frustrated seeing them in their state, and more so I have no idea what to do.
I sat around at the Bible study, my mind was totally out of what they were talking about. I felt like I wanted to cry, but I can’t. I look at other people. Did I really give myself to anyone of them? They look tired and weary, some of them have each other, some like Zigang are so tired physically, others who weren’t there, I haven’t heard from them for ages. Yet, each time words come out of my mouth as being silly, unfamiliar and not ready to be serious with other people’s problem.
Junning asked me what I thought about the sermon Peter gave, I somehow had to scramble for words as I was not thinking about it at all. I said… uhh well, he stood up to be a witness of Christ rather than disowning Christ as he did previously. I guess I didn’t really say to the point, since he sort of started talking about something else right after. I don’t know.. I can’t keep my mind on it. I started thinking about community, all these people knowing each other, and are so involved in each other’s lives. They know who’s moving to where, and I don’t even know where they lived before. I sometimes just sit there on the patch of grass between Koerner’s and Math. Why am I here? I’d ask myself, I really do want to be here, but if I’m one of those people who enjoy other people’s presence, I should be investing my life in theirs. Is much love just theories? Is my love only flowering when I have extra after feeding myself?
I don’t know…
but why can’t life just be easier? Why can’t love be easier? It’s such a easy word to spell, L-O-V-E, it seems to come out of my mouth so easily as my tougue touches my teeth, but it’s so hard…
I just want to let it be…
but I haven’t really done anything, so that i can complain about being overwhelmed.
Still, I just want to let it be.
How… nothing is quiet…. except in part of my desired state.
I just want to give up, I don’t have enough cards to play the solitare..
but yeah.. nothing is quiet.

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