October 30, 2006

scattered

Posted in Uncategorized at 10:15 pm by changisme

When the sun came out, I wondered…. how can this much light be so concentrated and fierces, while I can’t even keep such a small me together? Once the sun rises over the trees and houses, it started to scatter… I saw pennies of sunshine jingling on the ground, on trees and bushes, and on people. Why do you want to break yourself like this, I wanted to ask the sun, who didn’t bother answering and just kept on desolving into everything and anything.
 
* * *
 
I feel so out of place… I really don’t know if I should have been where I was and should now be where I am, and should be going to where I will be going.
It was semi-nice talking to Curtis. On the one hand, I knew that it was just his duty to be there, and maybe he’s very nice that he’d be there anyway. In any case, it’s a scheduled Bible study, although I never end up talking about any particular passage with Curtis or wish Richie who he was subbing for. In any event, we ended up talking about some random things. That just felt so nice…. I don’t know… some proper conversation actually.
 
Among the many things, I asked him what would it mean to live as a "whole" person. I didn’t mean in a way when people say living wholely as in seeing the world in all its sides and stuff… but being a whole person as in a unified and strong faithed person. I totally can’t comprehend living as someone like that, becuase I’ver never experienced it. I’m always feel ing internal conflicts and in a way I think many people do. My little blue girl and red girl fight almost on every single thing. Things get discovered as well as distroyed in fights like this.
 
I don’t know if living as more of a "whole" person is better than this scattered person like me. I certainly want to acheive such a state right now, really.. that must be so much more easily! Maybe I’m just trying to find a simple way out in life. There might not be one to start with.
 
Curtis said he’s not sure if it’s even good to be one of those whole people. There are so many people who are unwhole in this sense but did amazing things, and of course… there are those who did terrible things too. Is my own convenience getting through life more important or is it how much I can bless those around me? Do I even have a say in things like this?
 
* * *
 
I feel homesick.
I feel homesick for a home I do not even know of.
Where is my home?
Do I have one?
My home comes with me in my backpack.
My home is in the pages of my favourite stories.
My home is when I open my palm and seeing the familiar colours and creases.
 
* * *
 
I’ve never been a collector. Things are nice and I like them, but I don’t feel like putting them together for some reason. Their beauty stay in my mind and that’s about it. I don’t get attached to palces just like I don’t get attached to things. Maybe I should spare my mind some burden in carrying all this by putting some pieces of me along the way on some objects and some places. Yet again, do I even have a say in this? I’m just wired in a way that makes my mind tired, maybe some day it can just get so tired that it gives up completely. I can’t deny that sometimes I look forward to a day like that.
 
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