November 29, 2006

God… you don’t think i’m preoccupied enough for this final season do you?

Posted in Uncategorized at 10:55 am by changisme

Okay.. I know it’s stupid to blame God for losing my wallet myself…. but what else can you do when you’ve had enough of realizing your own faults and blaming yourself for things lately? That’s called when you feel so useless, both in these kinda day to day small things and in critical decisions that would affect other people’s well-being.

November 28, 2006

a child’s innocence

Posted in Uncategorized at 8:16 am by changisme

It’s quite amazing how I can wake up and feels nothting’s so bad as it seemed at the bottom of the pit. It’s all tangled up but one of these days I’ll be able to get it untangled, so long as I start working on it. It’s like a bad bobbin of yarn really. Nothing too unresolvable. no need for the scissors really.

It’s the waking up feeling the day is bright and beautiful that feels to me like a child’s innocence. It’s like forgetting what’s painful and frustrating for awhile and just think what games are played today. I guess in a way, children don’t really have an easier time with issues they encounter, but quite often, they are better at finding places to store them in their heart. Their shelves and drawers are made of play-dough, you can shape them according to what you want to put in them.

November 27, 2006

through the snow I see inside

Posted in Uncategorized at 9:09 am by changisme

Sometimes I wonder if the snow is really covering everything or is it showing everything in a very different way.
When was the last time when I expressed something and spoke something out, but I sitll don’t feel any lighter?

November 26, 2006

why are you so tender?

Posted in Uncategorized at 8:32 am by changisme

Why are you so tender? Your put your hands on my shoulder, only that I realized way too late.
Why are you so patient? You whisper jsut loud enough for me to hear, only that I reply with roaring anger.
Why are you so caring? You lay down all the beauty there is to cheer me up, only that I tear it apart with the dullness of my eyes. 

November 25, 2006

do you sing when you walk on the road?

Posted in Uncategorized at 9:08 pm by changisme

It’s snowing, and it’s so nice. In a way, the snow is so wet that I want it to be colder, on the other hand, I really don’t have room left to complain, cuz finally, there’s something more interesting than rain… which I actually liked as a kid, maybe because it wasn’t everyday. Having said that, I didn’t really hate snow in Ottawa either, where the whole time I was there, I didn’t spend a single day without either walking on the snow or actually tasating snowflakes.
Maybe snow is just more interesting intrinsically and it’s not all my subjectivity. When I was waiting for the bus, I saw the rythmic passing of the car lights aroused the reflection of the weightless flakes. I felt they were rolling and turning. It’s like they were being stir fried in mama’s wok. The entire city looked so bright all of a sudden, i think the sky was brighter too. Maybe because ithere was more clouds to reflect light on, but I thought… it would be nicer if the clouds were reflecting the light of the snow rather than the city lights. Then I just dreamed of that, and it was beautiful.
I had my hood on when I walked fromthe bus stop to my house, and I sang as I usually do. It felt different because the hood sheltered my voice into m own ear. Singing as I walk on the street was always my doing, even in elementary school. I don’t particularly sing in the shower, but on the street. I don’t know why I do that, it’s not like I want to be heard. I usually sing quieter when there are people around, and Ijust presume they can’t hear me. I think I can’t bare not to sing even though i don’t like being thought of as weird.
The snow, on the other hand just likes to fall soundlessly. I think it’s not that she doens’t have a temper, it’s more that she’s too endulged in her own dancing that she doesn’t easily converse with others. Sometimes though you would feel like the snow is talking some language that you remotely feel familiar with. It’s not the kind of communication like in a picture or a rock, it’s really a living kind of communication. she somehow contains you in her procrastination and temperment. I dont’ think she works very hard to suit your taste as she tells stories, but if you do like them, she does look at your eyes as she streams out the legends.
I wonder if the snow listens to my songs…

aye.. happiness bridged on other people’s suffering

Posted in Uncategorized at 9:29 am by changisme

Why did I wake up at 7 if I slept at 4:30? This world is just upside down, anyways.
I don’t know what I should feel about having Yan as a roommate. I think she’s the best roommate I’ve ever had, in terms of being friends. However, she regrets coming here so much. I know when she says she should never have come here, she didn’t mean she never have met me, but still, I feel like this piece of jewel in my life is somewhat founded on her suffering. I feel that I have so little to worry about and yet so much as well. Our lives are so similar and at the same time so different.  I don’t know if it’s rather analogous with Jane and Amar. LOL
Mom says people who think about useless things with a cup of tea in their hand are those who either live in a very rich place, or those who, though poor, can’t go out and do something to change that, or maybe both? She thinks that’s why Russians are so into arguing over coffee and soup because it’s so cold there, nobody has any better things to do. i guess that’s a rather generalized and silly statement, but it doesn’t come through as completely false. If people are not so busy going about doing stuff, they probably would have more time doing things that are simpler and enjoyable…. like reading useless stuff or chitter chatter…
Does it apply to me? Do I have so little to worry about that I start load my  mind with things that don’t really matter? Apparently I do, other wise I would be here rambling on and on non-stop.
* * *
I have friend who has stopped replying my emails… I don’t know why I’m so struck my this emotionally. I’ve probably done something similar? Not replying people’s email? I hope not.. I don’t know, it just makes this world go round and round and round and round and round and round and round….
* * *
I like Shel Silverstein….
* * *
Ron says he’s renting an electric drumset. I’m quite excited about that actually.
* * *
why doesn’t my friend reply my emails? I know I’ve done wrong… but….

What does it mean when you can’t sleep over one thing?

Posted in Uncategorized at 12:17 am by changisme

I don’t really know…
But then… there are a lot of things I don’t really know. I think people are complicated, and that includes myself. The nice thing about other people being complicated is that they can deal with whatever you don’t want to deal with, and you just need to do your best. The bad thing about myself being complicated is that I’m the person who’s gonna the problem at the end. After every other good guy in the world trying to fix the problem and fail, I’ve got the ultimate job. Isn’t that comforting? =_=
What’s worse is that as near-sighted as I am, I still need a considerable distance before I can fully see things well. Really, I can’t possibly dissolve myself into the air and just blow it up into the sky and say, okay this is what the pattern looks like. I’ve just have to sort of go… let’s try stepping on this, oh oops, that’s marshy… and then let’s try stepping over there, oops, that’s worse.. sometimes you might not even find anywhere nice, and just have to go back to the good old marsh… not that I don’t like marshes… they are indeed not very user friendly.
Okay, I shall try sleeping again, and maybe try reading something completely different from what I usually do, and then I might stop thinking about some stuff.

November 23, 2006

the stats cult

Posted in Uncategorized at 4:13 pm by changisme

My stat prof’s main research interest is actually on non-normal statistical analysis. Well.. I think it could still be parametric, but anyways. It seems to me that this whole business is actually not as "random" or "unjustified" as I think. The bad part is just that people who actually know what they are doing hold their secret knowledge and no one else, as in 90% of those who are actually using stats, really know what’s valid and what’s not. I don’t know if they actually want the knowledge to surface, but the nature of the subject just makes it rather difficult to explain.
Is that the beginning of my stats pride talk? I hope not… 
Another one of my stats prof today taught us how taking the difference between pre-treatment and post-treatment and do t-test and so on is actually very often invalid in terms of achieving its purpose. I still remember though in the first course of statitiistics, they taught that in the dimly lit lecture hall like its out of the Bible. Most people don’t take any stats course after that and that’s wha tthey were shown! Maybe it’s hard to explain why its wrong in the first course, but you probably could avoid teaching the wrong thing in the first place??!
* * *
The good thing about having a mind that swims everywhere every minute is that you realize you’ve lost something(unbrella, bus pass… etc) quite quickly.
The bad thing about having a mind that swims everywhere every minute is that you think about gut clenching embarrassing moments of life at the most irrelavent times.

November 22, 2006

Peeling labels

Posted in Uncategorized at 6:26 pm by changisme

Life/slash learning is such an interesting and frustrating process. I feel it’s like peeling labels. As I scratch my nails on a corner, nobody knows when I would finally lift the corner.
Then either I become too agressive as I pull the corner and the label just breaks, and I just have to start all over again, maybe have an even harder time, or… I’d jut be so careful and have a painful and slow process. I’d see the film of transparent glue dragging after the seam of detachment motion. I’d have some anticipation but never have full understnding of what would come off and what would remain.
Supposedly, the exciting thing would be the Truth hidden beneath the label, but what’s to come remains a mystery until the moment it reveals itself intersecting the moment I actually pay attention.
It’s true though… Don’t you find someimes when you peel open something you become more focused on the peeling than what you wanted from the inside in the first place? I guess it’s justifiable sometimes, because you don’t want to damage the label, and want to care about what’s inside later, but is that the real reason? What if what’s hidden behind is not just a 3 dimentional objct, but also involve the scale of time? The initial moment, the very second it reveals itself to the eye would quite often shed light on things in ways not available otherwise.
What’s more… I find I have many labels peeling at the same time…

November 21, 2006

gah… should I be happy?

Posted in Uncategorized at 9:21 pm by changisme

I think there’s just something wrong when you have to tell yourself that you’re supposed to be happy.
Tutoring, maybe like many other occupations maybe, punishes you when you do it well. My tutees are starting to leave me now… I guess they don’t really need me anymore, maybe that’s a good thing. The bad part is that one actually didn’t tell me she wasn’t coming today… but anyways, I kind of anticipated it, because she started getting all the calculus stuff and didn’t really have much of a problem last couple sessions. One of my high schooler is doing quite well as well, and I had to end the session early because she just got everything. I can see how I will soon lose my job… There is also the one I just can’t get the math through however I try. He’s willing to set up three sessions a week if I wanted to, but … it’s really a pain to teach like this. For sure I wouldn’t lose this job… but I don’t like it.
The chinese saying is that the capable has to endure more. It’s a compliment, and I think it sort of apply to tutoring. Not so much in a complimenting way, but the same kind of dilemma. If I’m really needed then I’d have to hide more teeth clenching, while if I can get the ideas through, then I won’t enjoy the success for much longer.
* * *
I think somehow today, I’m once again reminded that I actually do like stats. It’s quite often forgotten, because stats is just so strange. It’s very counter intuitive, but a lot of its methods are not produced from rigorous derivation but from intuition and later on justified. I think in a way, I like it because it really let my mind expand to a different thinking regime and once I get used to the regime, I can see things in a different light.
The counter intuitive, though, really makes me feel very unsettled in the studies I’m doing. I actually don’t know what about Stat 404, experimental design that I’m not getting. I seem to get all the stuff, but they are not sitting there. They are just so weird…
People say math is something you can’t really understand, but has to get used to. I can quite see that, but it’s taking me forever to get used to stats. I think it’s even more true in stats that I need to get used to it to really see where it’s getting at. However… it makes me a reluctant to really get used to it, because it’s like religion, if you get used to it… well more than likely you would agree with it, and probably would be hard to see its flaws in assumptions and so on. I’m quite good at just plung into things and not hold back, and that’s why I really.. feel I should keep reminding myself not to easily assume things. Maybe stats is doing its merry here, because since it’s so weird, I’m constantly trying to examine its assumptions. Hopefully that will allow me to turn around and reexamine what I’m so used to as well.
I want to take topology next year…

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