November 21, 2006

gah… should I be happy?

Posted in Uncategorized at 9:21 pm by changisme

I think there’s just something wrong when you have to tell yourself that you’re supposed to be happy.
Tutoring, maybe like many other occupations maybe, punishes you when you do it well. My tutees are starting to leave me now… I guess they don’t really need me anymore, maybe that’s a good thing. The bad part is that one actually didn’t tell me she wasn’t coming today… but anyways, I kind of anticipated it, because she started getting all the calculus stuff and didn’t really have much of a problem last couple sessions. One of my high schooler is doing quite well as well, and I had to end the session early because she just got everything. I can see how I will soon lose my job… There is also the one I just can’t get the math through however I try. He’s willing to set up three sessions a week if I wanted to, but … it’s really a pain to teach like this. For sure I wouldn’t lose this job… but I don’t like it.
The chinese saying is that the capable has to endure more. It’s a compliment, and I think it sort of apply to tutoring. Not so much in a complimenting way, but the same kind of dilemma. If I’m really needed then I’d have to hide more teeth clenching, while if I can get the ideas through, then I won’t enjoy the success for much longer.
* * *
I think somehow today, I’m once again reminded that I actually do like stats. It’s quite often forgotten, because stats is just so strange. It’s very counter intuitive, but a lot of its methods are not produced from rigorous derivation but from intuition and later on justified. I think in a way, I like it because it really let my mind expand to a different thinking regime and once I get used to the regime, I can see things in a different light.
The counter intuitive, though, really makes me feel very unsettled in the studies I’m doing. I actually don’t know what about Stat 404, experimental design that I’m not getting. I seem to get all the stuff, but they are not sitting there. They are just so weird…
People say math is something you can’t really understand, but has to get used to. I can quite see that, but it’s taking me forever to get used to stats. I think it’s even more true in stats that I need to get used to it to really see where it’s getting at. However… it makes me a reluctant to really get used to it, because it’s like religion, if you get used to it… well more than likely you would agree with it, and probably would be hard to see its flaws in assumptions and so on. I’m quite good at just plung into things and not hold back, and that’s why I really.. feel I should keep reminding myself not to easily assume things. Maybe stats is doing its merry here, because since it’s so weird, I’m constantly trying to examine its assumptions. Hopefully that will allow me to turn around and reexamine what I’m so used to as well.
I want to take topology next year…

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