December 31, 2006

many things..

Posted in Uncategorized at 5:28 pm by changisme

It used to bother me, why God would want to test us? If He knows the heart of everyone, and he knows that we are weak, why bother? Is it just to show us that we are weak and needy? Now I think that’s probably not the only reason. It is through choices, that we define ourselves, and we see really who we are and how we shape our desitiny as the roads crisscross in front of us. I don’t remember who said this. Though I don’t quite agree with him/her for it is rather extreme, he/she said that it is first by knowing self, do we see the face of God. The definition of our relationship is molded through these choices of ours, while we decide, not only do we realize what we value, but also emphasize what was ambiguous in our minds.

There is one thing i really don’t understand though. I was told that, if there is anything at all that is not gray, but black and white, is where our faiths lie. We either die to ourselves and live solely for Christ, or we don’t, there is no wishy washy. In one sense, I understand it as that we can’t choose to just choose to believe whenever we want, but rather hold fast on the identity. However, is it really not gray? I really can’t say I have died 100% and born again. How is this different form any other decisions we make? How is this more absolute than anything else in my mind? If I only make the decision to be completely immersed into the baptismal water, does that really mean anything if my heart and action is still gray?

* * *

I decided to make some brownies and go to Stacy’s. I thought, people are on a diet, I should put less sugar, but then >_<… I put a little too much less I guess, the brownie cookies are hardly sweet at all! Oh well…. I hope they are not so mad. "No body will touch them, I shouldn’t wonder." (says Puddleglum) LOL

* * *

My friend’s on her date, and she asked me for advice >_<. As if I know any social rules! She ended up telling me about all the social rules in Beijing, that I never seem to know. She said, I have been here for a long time, so she should as me like what action means what. I felt rather unhelpful. I know all the things from other people’s talking and novels, bu tnever really seem to work in my own life. Maybe it’s just how people I interact with are all so very weird. They are all quite different and half of them don’t really go with the social norms if you could stil call it the norms. I usually just go by commonsense, and maybe I have been inappropriate, but then I never knew. At the end, I just told her not to be alone with him unless she really really really want to. LOl i guess that’s not really conventions, I’m just concerned for her safety. I guess I also told her what the guy might want to do, so she wouldn’t be so surprised.

Really, I’ve never gone on these kinda… "I’ve never known you, but let’s go on a date" thing before. I don’t know what I would do. maybe it’s an experience too. She said it’s very common among her classmates in universities because parents constantly try to set their children up with people. Many of these dates, she said, are one time thing, because after she went home, she’d be questioned about whether she likes the guy’s look and if the guy’s smart, and so on. I wonder how much you can like a guy on a first date. Probably it’s different for different people, but I wouldn’t be able to tell my parents, hey I want to date this guy after one meal. Maybe Either I don’t want my parents to know things until I have a clear idea myself, or I just feel that having people like my mom yupping by my ears would muddle my judgement on what I feel about a person.

* * *

Today, Grant said "survey the horizon" at least three times in his sermon. I don’t know why but feel a little angry keep hearing it. I see so many things on the horizon. There are so much to do, but I just want to curl up and not to do anything. There are so many paths and I know nothing about which one leads to the "promise land". There are people walking towards me fron the horizon, I can see their lovely faces, but I don’t know how to live with them, how close we should be. I am asked to make choices and to trust, and yet I don’t know the future, and I don’t want to drive my car into ditches, especially when there are passengers onboard. I do not want to survey the horizon, because it gives me no clearer picture. However, I am not content with just seeing the next step either, I seem to want to know what is out there, and what is next after the next after the next… I am so conflicted…..


December 30, 2006

who said the world is small?

Posted in Uncategorized at 8:03 pm by changisme

I guess I’ve repeated the same thing over and over again, but I can’t help but sign helplessly once again. I know as a fact that life is not about fairness. Why are there people live a life being told that they are worthless? Why are there people living a life shadowed by deaths of their own children, their flesh and blood? What’s more, why do I feel that I can’t do anything? If I were a better person, I would be sure that nothing is hopeless, and if I were a better person, I would know that I can do things that make a difference. It is now that the sight of a whole world is blinding, and it is now that I feel small. It is now that I should be looking up and ask, ask for the next step of my monotonous adventure on this earth. I guess it is always wise to keep in mind that the approximation of any given short interval of a differentiable function, can usually be a straight line. I will not think about the possibility of the curve over time shaping like a rainbow and lighting up the faces of those whom I love. No I will not think about the day when we all stand together looking into the stars and the moon and the sun as we grow into one of them reflecting each others glory. I really won’t think about these, they are probably not going to happen until we all go to that so called Heaven.
I think authors are pretty evil creatures. They tell you how other people suffer. you might say, well, they tell you how other people appreciate the world as well, but wouldn’t you think most people appreciate the world by default? Is it just me who have lived a very smooth life and think the world is happy happy? Or you might say that it is the "how" other people appreciate that is more of importance. Does that make me appreciate more? Does that really exceed the beauty I have seen of the world with my own eyes? Why would I want all these extansion of my own mind? It’s as if I want to intrude into every cubic meter of air with a fragment of my mind, or is it a fragment of my heart? I am constantly tempted but at the same time paralyzed by the abstruse reality, which is so very [    ]*.
I don’t think at this point I could wish that I were more ignorant, maybe I will some day, but I do wish that I can be less paralyzed and less tempted to harden my heart and say that I can do nothing and that is alright. Here, I pray…
*fill in the blank with any and every adjective of all languages and more beyond.

December 29, 2006


Posted in Uncategorized at 8:01 pm by changisme

Once again, going cypress. We saw sun, we saw clouds and we saw snow falling from the sky. It was a lovely place. I sometimes wondered how the birds got all the way up there, and how the trees that are wrapped around by their won branches weighing down by the snow stand there, just like that, day and night, year by year. I don’t mean that they wouldn’t be able to endure the elements, but more how the scenary can be in such a different time scale as me. In a way, I feel it’s something outside of me holding me on its palm, something bigger, something more.
I’m not a very good skier, but I had lots of fun. I tried to practice more skate skiing, I think if some day, I can have an opportunity to practice first on a flatter surface, it would be something fun to do. It’s a matter of getting into the rhythm of shifting my balance by the right amount. The problem with classic is that people are always in the way, and I think I like the style, but I mean.. you can do it out of the track too. Why do you have to stay in the track?
Our little party was quite diversed. I don’t know if everyone had a good time, but since I’m the mediocre skier, I had a pretty grand time. I wish I could go again some time. I quite admire Matt for willing to put himself into this even though he knows that he doesn’t quite know how to ski. Some guys would refuse to embarrass himself, this is pretty big of him. I asked my mom so many times if she would go snowshoing with me, she doesn’t seem to deny she wants to, but she doesn’t seem to be so hot on it either. Usually, if she doesn’t want somthing, she says it to me pretty clearly, sometimes even too clearly… LOL if she does, then she would say she wants. Now I just wonder if she wants t, but jsut doesn’t think she has time.
Aye.. she’s become so busy these days, gosh I’m the one to complain!

December 27, 2006

the tree

Posted in Uncategorized at 8:49 am by changisme

We have a tree in the middle of the front yard. It spreads its arms around hugging the air around it, almost reaching the house. I sometimes feel that the tree and the house feel like they are one. Maybe the roots are already intertwined with the foundation.
Each morning, I would look out the window over my desk, and there stands the tree. Its branches in its ladderish shape makes me feel like it’s looking up, looking forward to the unrisen, rising and risen sun up ahead. Does it still look forward to it, even though each morning, he knows what is to come at best? Does it look forward to the golden rays shower on each and every grain of it’s bark?
Many mornings, just like this one, the sun flashes a golden strip of glory under the low and full clouds. Over the long winter months, I have stopped feeling disappointed over the hidden sunrise. I subconsciously tell myself, somewhere out there, the sun has gone up and there it will be radiating its love, though I cannot see it, it is there.
Can I really be like the tree looking into th eye of heavens and be in faith and hope in all its days? Through the windstorms, it swayed and stood thenafter; through the heavy loads of snow, it endured and enjoyed all the hours. Now, there it is, proud as ever, each day, rain enriches its bed and birds and spiders dwells under its arms. I feel like giving up, I have no such faith, nor will I ever be so strong.
I need to see the sun, the moon and feel the warmth in order to keep going. I am weak in my meager pool of liveliness. The only film of youthfulness deploits itself quickly like a wick of a candle with no wax. "There is something, someone out there that is wonderful in beauty and love, but how far? how far that… "thing" is from me, and how abstract! People say it’s not supposed to be, but the act of "saying" and "supposing" is quite astract already.
I stop supposing.

December 26, 2006

so, first bread making succeded

Posted in Uncategorized at 10:24 pm by changisme

It’s quite a bit of work. I think I kneaded the dough three times.
I made the most basic white bread, not without complications. At first, I was keeping the dough in the lowest warm option of the oven, but somehow it got too high and killed the yeast, so I started again, and just had the oven warm sometimes and off some other times. Then it turned out to be pretty good.
I didn’t quite follow the recipe very rigorously, just sort of used my senses, because the recipe had some vague parts in itself anyway.
After I added the egg, the dough became very sticky. It’s so different from what I imagined and remembered from the dough making my grandpa used to do. He never added any oil or egg of course, which is probably why it’s so easy to knead for me. This dough, my gosh, my finger was sticking to it all the time! After each kneading, I felt like I was becoming duck woman, with webs on my hand. I diwant to waste too much dough on my hands, plus I had the time, so I was picking those webs each time I kneaded the dough.
Finally, when Irene came, we made the last kneading and made several small bons and a big bon, and shuffled it into the oven. I have to say, if it weren’t for Irene’s engaging conversation, the time would have been like snails crawling. Even then, we opened the oven a couple times to see what’s going on. After ten minutes, the dough has risen quite high, but still white. Yan was wondering if we should brush more egg on it, I thought not, dunno why I thought not though. Then After twenty minutes, it looked dark golden. I poked it and it was so hard! I thought, oh dear.. it’s over.
I took the bons out, and thought, oh well, it’s my first attempt afterall. Or maybe the first time and a half counting the 10 minutes failure at the beginning? After the bons cooled a little, I took one and squeezed it, oh, it’s actually not so bad! The inside is soft! I broke it and bit on the white fluffy flesh. Mmmm it’s great!! it’s better than the bread machine bread from Sharon’s anyway!
it turns out that the crust is hard, maybe because I brushed a lot of egg white, or I had the temperature high. It’s not that hard though. It’s like french bread, though the inside is not really like french bread. Anyway. It’s pretty good. We had fresh oven bread and wonderful bone soup I learnt from Yan today. (oh yeah, I made the soup too! I made two big time consuming thing today, and I’ve done neither of them before.)
Anyhow, Irene bought some fish too, and the baking that fish was very beautiful too. I think it was just right, especailly with the veggies from the soup. It’s quite suitable. Then we had a little salad. The only bad thing was that we didn’t have enough big mouth. All three of us have very "shy" stomach compared to the amount of food we had. it’s fun to make them though. I really want to learn how to make real decent ones though. Only if someone could apprentice me haha.
Yeah, it’s not so much I’m so into cooking, it’s just a craft. it’s fun to make something eh? I think the fun of transforming something that’s raw into something that fills the room with aroma is quite magical, a magic even the magician feels like s/he didn’t really do the magic.
It makes me remember this TV show from Hongkong. It’s about this really talented cook who got a brain injury and could actually talk to the vegetable for awhile, and the cooking is really allowing the food to reveal their own glory. It’s a fun show to watch.

December 25, 2006

christmas morning

Posted in Uncategorized at 10:26 am by changisme

It’s Christmas morning, and I was more excited in the wee hours before it all started. Now, somehow I feel a little disappointed. I guess I almost expected it, but still, it’s altogether a different feeling going through it. I read all these discriptions of the depressing christmas morning, I guess I understood people like David Suzuki, but never really felt it, but today I did.
It’s the first Christmas morning, I’ve spent like this, witnessing the opening of a thousand presents. Literally, it was just an assembly line of passing on and unwrapping. The "wow"s are as if they come from dolls powered by batteries, Zander is good at being polite, but you could see his heart saying, what’s next? Would it be more exciting? What exactly am I looking for? Quinn is kind of confused, while everybody is trying to make him enjoy all the presents while he just liked the wrappers very much. I gave him a bubble blower kit, unfortunately he got another one, which he enjoyed very much, so I guess I am a little grumpy because he didn’t even get to play with mine before he was tired of bubbles.
Before people even take a careful look at one present, the next is dropped on their laps. I don’t even see Ron as being happy at all. The only time he looks excited is when people hold the video camera on his face. I’m not even sure if he opened my present for him, maybe he did. Somehow I just feel that it’s waste of my time even trying to think about what to get for him at all.
Yan and I were kind of the observer. i did get a really nice Nature Photographer though. I really like the magazine, it is about winter scene, in it there’s this dasey frozen but totally preserved in colour. I wonder what it’s doing in the tranquility of Christmas morning. Beijing is a big dasey city in the fall. There are royal daseys, but the better ones are the smaller and wilder ones. There was this song with a children’s tone we used to sing, it says,
Wild daseys, oh wild daseys,
where, oh where is your home?
Where the mountain is high, deep into the clouds,
where no one knows, I live,
I live where the sky blends into an edge of mists.
There was a highlight of the morning. I gave Yan a big box of ice cream, which I got up early in the morning to take out of the fridge, and worry all morning that it would melt. I even dove into her bed to drag her out, and she was so excited seeing it! I think if we lived in an apartment, she would have screamed everybody awake. It made my day in a way. The rest of the morning drags on. it’s about to end now, and I think Zander looks a little disappointed. Experienced grandma says he in his "down phase" now. Oh well, I have no idea what that means.
We never had a present tradition in my family. We don’t really give presents during any occasion. I never quite minded that even when i was young. I used to think that presents are probably a rather good way to show that you are thinking about someone you love in a very special way, but I guess one is a hundred you are really doing it. I’d rather just give someone a present when they really need it, or I just feel like it. I ordered Catherine Cathy’s Book about a month ago, because I thought it was really like her, the character I mean, and why wait till Christmas? She likes to think of it as a Christmas present from me, then fine go for it. I think it is a rather warm and fussy feeling, just the act of fitting someone with a present I really think belongs to them.
I remember Carson said I didn’t give him Christmas present. I guess it was a little inconsiderate of me not to accommodate othe rpeople with their habits and tradition. Afterall, it probably makes the other person feel good since they grew up with things like this. After today though, I really have a different feeling towards presents for the sake of the occasion. So forgive me people if I have no interests in uncompelled presents giving.
During family occasions in the past, my dad would actually come home for dinner, and that makes the time all the better. It sounds cheesy I know, but honestly, it was really what I used to think as a child. It’s not just old people and orthodoxy people think like that. I wonder if that’s what my dad is thinking now too. In a family time of the year, my daughter isn’t even coming home, not even a plan of coming home anytime soon. It just makes me want to cry. I’m not a home-sickling (if that’s a word LOL), but still. Yan said her parents are having all these exciting things happening for Christmas, Beijing christmas is indeed a craze. Everybody hangs out with each other and sing karaoke and eat together and visiting friends. It’s quite crazy. I used to get really annoyed because it’s so noisy, but I guess I wouldn’t mind seeing people I love even it’s noisy.
We used to go to church together and it’s not so much what’s happening at church, but the fact that you are going together, and people would notice you as a family. you feel bigger and more whole because you are not alone. I used to feel bad for these old people I see, who were alone. Their gleaming dresses seemed rather depressing. On the aside, maybe they don’t feel all that depressed having had a rich life, it was just my lowly perception.
In any case, my view of this christmas morning could well have been distorted, but it’s how I see it anyway.

December 24, 2006

Mary did you know?

Posted in Uncategorized at 1:28 pm by changisme

Mary, did you know
That your baby boy will one day walk on water?
Mary, did you know
That your baby boy will save our sons and daughters?
Did you know
That your baby boy has come to make you new?
This child that you’ve delivered
Will soon deliver you

Mary, did you know
That your baby boy will give sight to a blind man?
Mary, did you know
That your baby boy will calm a storm with His hand?
Did you know
That your baby boy has walked where angels trod?
And when you kiss your little baby
You’ve kissed the face of God

Mary, did you know?
The blind will see
The deaf will hear
And the dead will live again
The lame will leap
The dumb will speak
The praises of the Lamb

Mary, did you know
That your baby boy is Lord of all creation?
Mary, did you know
That your baby boy will one day rule the nations?
Did you know
That your baby boy is heaven’s perfect Lamb?
This sleeping child you’re holding
Is the Great I Am

Oh Mary did you know?

I guess you can never be sure, but I think she didn’t know what was really coming. Life is so misty in the eyes of the beholder. What it really means to have faith, as Mary did I presume, is a rather different thing compare to knowing. I guess in a way, we don’t see what is bad, and we don’t see what is good either. And yet, life unfolds itself.

knowing people

Posted in Uncategorized at 10:08 am by changisme

I always wonder what my feeling towards the UC gang is. I have to say, more than often I have a rather happy time there, but more often, I feel I hardly know the people. I know what they study and what they like as a hobby, but it’s all on the surface. It’s like I hold a basic facts card in my hand for each person there, but really what they think and what they enjoy doing I haven’t the slightest clue. It coule well be that I don’t spend enough time with them. To be honest, they are interesting (from the first sight) that I would invest in getting to know them, like where I live and how much time I spend with them, but somehow I always feel that I’m just not at a position to go in to the circle.
In general, I’m not too bad at just dive into things even if it’s not that wise of a choice, I just had to stumble out again wet and slimy, but with this group, I feel like I don’t even know where to begin. It’s a funny feeling though, because it feels so familiar, it’s just like how I feel in high schools in Beijing. On the other hand, it’s true though, that I never really knew how to get to befriend people in my old schools either, so it sould quite be a surprise?
I know sometimes we see ourselves as either too different or too much the same with other people. It’s rather a dillusion, but do I also have a false assumption of how much I can get to know a group of people?
It is a rather delicate difference among different people and/or cultures how much people are willing to share about themselves. I’m a rather annoying person who would have pried a lot if I thought it was not too inappropriate. Especially to people I like, I want to ask them about what they think and what they have gone through. In my recent relationships with people, I feel this is quite a difficult point to work on. Sometimes, I think people are not too closed, they just need some questions to bring out what they are willing to share. However, it could also be that they don’t want to share at all.
Sometimes I really want to share what I think too, but when I go to UC, or talk to people from there, I feel they are so busy. I really don’t mind telling them things, but I wonder if they are intersted at all. It’s not so much I think they are careless people, it’s just that I’m not as good of a friend to them as I should be I think.
There are other times, I just share what I think, and hoping they would share as well, but then what end up happening is that they start to just counsel me, as if I’m just having some kind of spiritual or relational hardship. I guess if I were in their shoes I would feel the same way? When somebody comes with their opinion and problems, I would want to give them an answer? Really, why is know other people so difficult? There are only people who are so willing to share I get to know these days. I sort of just sit there and they would be so trusting as to dump their thoughts on me, and I would dump mine on them, but people are different, and I would love to know people who are different in this particular sense as well!! HOW HOW HOW?
Okay, I sound impatient, but I am a little. I’ve been circling around this for the longest time. Do I sound really condescending by the way? I could potentially be, since I’m so haughty to think that I know the answers to a lot of things, maybe that;s because people encourage me too much ahha.

December 22, 2006

my instinctive self

Posted in Uncategorized at 5:46 pm by changisme

Somehow, I feel this Christmas is a very complicated one. I feel everybody around me has some kind of trouble, although half of them are still enjoying life as a whole. I don’t really know how people deal with so many emotional things. They must be very strong. I think I deal with them mostly by dumping them onto someone else. I wonder if they get overwhelmed by what I tell them. In a way, when I tell people things, I start to make me sound nonchalent. Maybe I don’t, and other people think I’m to dramatic, and I’m just always feeling that I’m not getting the full message cross. It’s true though, that I find it hard for my instinctive self to actually trust someone enough to become totally frank about things. I know almost everyone of my friends are quite trustworthy, and they are willing to bare with me, because otherwise they would have left a long time ago. Still, there seem to be an underlying me that makes a lot of the decisions.
I don’t really know who that underlying person is actually. It’s quite scary. There are many things my instinctive self just have some clear inclination about. Throughout the years I’m growing up, I always make some changes to myself, and in a way, bits by bits, I hide what’s underneath. I don’t really think it’s denying who I am, because the things that I value and the things that I learn to value have become who I am. Those things that I somehow can’t help but hiding is either not something I value, or something I was hurt upon. Isn’t it true that one’s identity is not just who asset they are born with, but also what they have acquired through life and what marks they are left by life?
Sometimes I imagine myself getting old and childish. Probably my underlying self would come out. Would I be someone else? Would I be very problemetic to people just like a brat? LOL I’m quite amused by the idea sometimes actually.

December 20, 2006

here and there

Posted in Uncategorized at 9:19 pm by changisme

Everybody has so many things going on in their lives. I was talking to Yan, and there are all these hardships. It seems to me she doesn’t have much of a choice in doing things, but she keeps on feeling she has important decisions to make. I don’t know if it’s because she just refuses to see that she has so few choices, and none of them is really wonderful, or it’s just really hard to see clearly when you are in the boat. It’s so hard.
We started speaking chinese again though. i think in a way, we get fuller conversations that way, maybe because I’m not all that good at talking, so when we use English, I would talk more than her, and that makes the conversation very dull… When she actually says whatever she wants to say, the conversation lasts for hours.
* * *
I baked some cookies and went to visit some people I haven’t seen or talked to for a long time. It felt so weird, because it’s something I kind of want myself to be able to do, but not something I want to do from my guts. I think they are wonderful people and if I keep the tie, and one of these days, the relationship might become more interesting, so in a way it’s an investment I guess. I just get filled with who’s doing what and make some jokes. I was talking to Roberta from my summer work place. She’s from Cape Breton and she told me some Archeologist there said that he discovered some chinese ruins in Cape Breton from the 15th Century. That’s just so weird, LOL it’s so far, you’d think, if Chinese came here, they would have settled somewhere on the westside, or maybe they got shipped over from Europe by some weirdo?
I also saw Kim, she used to tell me how she loves Vancouver, and she came from Saskachewan. She said that Vancouver is less racist against Aboriginal, and in Sask, she felt there’re only two races, caucasian and Aboriginal. I wonder if it’s really Vancouver is less racist, or we are just so uninformed about the native culture and we don’t even care. If Kim stood in front of my mother, she wouldn’t even know that she could be possibly aboriginal. Okay, I’m not gonna say her, even for me, I know so little about the culture, when i was reading Blue Eye, I was so amazed, well.. okay that’s not really BC Native culture, but still.
Kim said that people here don’t seem to give a damn about where you are from. I guess that’s a good thing if you dont’ want to feel underpreviliged, but really… I wish I could be more informed about the cultures people are from, but it seems like once you know a little, a lot of people become racist, only after a lot of "knowing", then you become open again. It’s this hump of some… activation energy that people needs to get over.
* * *
I saw 2 of my grades today, and one of them is just 1 percent lower than a division mark… :p how lucky, anyways, those are both unimportant ones, awaiting to see more. I also need to decide if I’m going to take physics next term or Stoich….

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