December 10, 2006

passer by

Posted in Uncategorized at 10:36 am by changisme

Aye… I don’t know what precious mean anymore. I seem to have to live with loss of those I see as precious all the time. I was so thankful this year that I have gotten such a good roommate, but now she’s moving away, though not right away, stilll.. in a month or two. I wasn’t so sure what I should say when she told me that. I sort of said.. oh man.. I don’t want you to go, but then \i don’t want to drag her back so much, because she said she really doesn’t want to move only because she likes to live with me, but otherwise, she wants to move so much. After that, I was just beeing her moving consultant. It feels so weird giving her advices in moving out and finding a new place.
In a way, I really don’t quite understand this world. Things seem to exist, and you’d feel, I can’t really live with out a good friendship and stuff like that, but then they disappear after some incidents anyway, and you’re forced to face it anyhow. Families too. I wonder if someday I am forced to stare at an empty room where me and Yan usually have our long chats. If someone comes out of it, what would I feel?
Somehow, I feel a little hopeless about being attached to people. In usual cases, it’s not very easy for me to get attached to a person, it takes a lot of time and work from the both of us. I was attached to my father, and I used a lot of other seeking of relationships to fill the void. I have felt attached to one friend at school through out my k12, and just recent couple years, I have felt attached to 2 or 3 people. In a way, it’s because I have broken a shell of my own, and on the other hand it was because the others were willing to invest in me. I think it’s quite amazing how people are willing to do that. There are so many others they could have put their energies into. Anyway, it’s so hard though. The stronger the attachment, the more more I feel the danger of parting. Even before Yan decided to move out, I’ve thought about what would happen if she moves out. Although that’s not really a prediction, because she will eventually move out, and so will I.
* * *
We went to the Navs Christmas party yesterday. It was a very nice apartment Shu and Steph live in. I think it’s quite cozy and very nice location. We played name game and there were people I didn’t know and there were people I’ve known for years. They all seem to go through my life and I have a feeling that I’m in a big busy New York street. People going fromt he front and behind. It takes so much energy to just notice people, and after awhile, \i jsut feel like shutting my eyes, and don’t even try, so \i don’t feel like a loser.

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