December 22, 2006

my instinctive self

Posted in Uncategorized at 5:46 pm by changisme

Somehow, I feel this Christmas is a very complicated one. I feel everybody around me has some kind of trouble, although half of them are still enjoying life as a whole. I don’t really know how people deal with so many emotional things. They must be very strong. I think I deal with them mostly by dumping them onto someone else. I wonder if they get overwhelmed by what I tell them. In a way, when I tell people things, I start to make me sound nonchalent. Maybe I don’t, and other people think I’m to dramatic, and I’m just always feeling that I’m not getting the full message cross. It’s true though, that I find it hard for my instinctive self to actually trust someone enough to become totally frank about things. I know almost everyone of my friends are quite trustworthy, and they are willing to bare with me, because otherwise they would have left a long time ago. Still, there seem to be an underlying me that makes a lot of the decisions.
I don’t really know who that underlying person is actually. It’s quite scary. There are many things my instinctive self just have some clear inclination about. Throughout the years I’m growing up, I always make some changes to myself, and in a way, bits by bits, I hide what’s underneath. I don’t really think it’s denying who I am, because the things that I value and the things that I learn to value have become who I am. Those things that I somehow can’t help but hiding is either not something I value, or something I was hurt upon. Isn’t it true that one’s identity is not just who asset they are born with, but also what they have acquired through life and what marks they are left by life?
Sometimes I imagine myself getting old and childish. Probably my underlying self would come out. Would I be someone else? Would I be very problemetic to people just like a brat? LOL I’m quite amused by the idea sometimes actually.

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