January 30, 2007

back to the warm country

Posted in Uncategorized at 7:25 pm by changisme

So, at the end, the plane circled over Vancouver International Airport, and the city looked as if it were in a teabag. The fog somehow has become comforting-I’m home… My very annoying chapped lips are finally recovering, I complained so much that i think I can no longer claim to be someone who was born and raised in Beijing.

Anyhow, goalball tournament at Montreal went pretty well. I enjoyed the playing. I have to say we did so much better than two years ago. We didn’t win, but we felt more or less competent. Afterall we are a rather young team with a caoch who’s just starting up, but everyone is putting a lot of effort into it. I liked when we were playing Michigan, we were so relaxed, especially the first half. I guess we had no expectations and just wanted to have some fun, which we harvested by the truckful, and also had a score of 1 : 1. On the contrary, our game with Quebec went "gloriously" pathetic, Myriam says it’s because we thought it too overly important. Maybe that’s true, I’m not sure how my psych works, it all seems to be burried underneath some bundles of hay.

The guys did quite well as well. Their first game was quite discouraging, It was against Pennsylvania. Then after they did pretty well, but I think their standing didn’t change so much compare to previous years. There was one highlight. Before, they used to always get mercied by Ontario All Blacks, this time they lost 2 : 1. I don’t think it was only because Jeff Kristy wasn’t there, cuz the other guys from Ontario are pretty amazing too.

We spent every minute together, the 6 or 7 of us, some conflicts were quite heated. Still, I don’t really think FI want to avoid seeing those people yet, because we are so close and open with each other. I think the reason it hasn’t yet become real politics is that we all know what each other are thinking and we say it. There are problems, but no on is playing tricks. I somehow hopes the resolution of things, but wonder if "happily ever after" is really what friendship is all about.

Now it’s all back to school, homework is lording over me >_< how great! The good news is that the internet cables in the ocean are finally fixed in Asia, so I can once again skype hehe!!

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January 27, 2007

5 min talk

Posted in Uncategorized at 7:00 pm by changisme

Okay I need to be quick, the internet cafe is closing in 5 minutes LOL. We played well in this turnament. We still lost though. Compare to a couple years ago, this is a lot better! At least we are getting quite a few goals in. Several pro coaches said that I am or have potential to be a strong shooter. Hehehe, I’m being very badly proud, but it is okay to feel that way once in a while right?

We walked around Montreal too. Some people totally are not into venturing, I wasn’t leading from A to B in the shortest distance, but hello!? Anyway, they turned back, understandably because of the cold, and me and Ken kept on. It was a nice walk, we saw the St. Laurence river, and Ken’s a big history fan, so he told me all about the Louisberg and the collinization. It was fun and cold. My face is frostbit afterwards. I had to use Myriam’s Johnson n’ Johnson uite a bit.

Oh and the USA teams were quite strong, impressive. Still, the Ontario girls are still better. As for guys, the USA were tood too, one of the teams called Wrecking Crew was quit eimpressive, okay gotta go! I hope I don’t get forece to drink tonight!!

January 23, 2007

the resulting ranbles of homework and classes.

Posted in Uncategorized at 1:33 pm by changisme

The more I go about this biostats business, the more I feel it’s either just a bunch of handwaving, or it’s just a very immature science. Maybe it’s both… Somehow everything that is deducible with the theory we know could be understood by other means, and those that are not common sense or intuitive from other reasoning are just "approximately true". The only two things I find rather impressive about stats, experimental statistics in particular is the central limit theorem and robustness of various procedures.

It really makes me want to just stick to probability, cuz… everything is just so fuzzy!

* * *

I finally tredded through 321 homework! A lot of it I just did sort of .. inrigorously, but whatever… now I can just simply be happy about the Montreal INvitation! (ok.. there are other homework too, but they won’t be due till I come back, hehe). I really like going away with the goalball people, somehow they make me feel like I don’t need to worry about who I am. It’s very interesting, because… to be honest, I don’t really know the colours of their underwears all that well, but I still feel that they are just that much part of my life. Maybe that resolve some of the confusion I have about knowing people and knowing about people. In any case, it’s all a way to live. Living it out is harder, but more possible than holding my heart on the tip of my tongue.

January 21, 2007

knowing and knowing about

Posted in Uncategorized at 3:47 pm by changisme

Today as I was walking on 48th Ave, I looked ahead and there on top of the hill there was a big tree. A rather idiotic thought came into my mind, "Ha! That’s not our tree and I’m not on my street, how it makes so much sense!" Don’t laugh at me, it’s true! I mean… somehow I know that’s not my tree, though from afar you can’t see the details of a tree and you can’t see the exact location of the tree, but I know my tree and I love it, so I see something different and I can immediate recognize. I know practically nothing about tree types and I can’t identify them, but I know the feel of my tree’s arms extanding and the attitude of it looking into the sky is different form this other one. Exactly which particular branches are different causing the width to differ I cannot see.

I have the belief, at present, that if I want to get to know someone and have a relationship with someone, I want to knwo them whole. I shouldn’t take them apart and analyze them. Taking them apart and analyzing them may just make them impersonal to me, though I would probably know about them better. I’m not quite sure about that though. Does knowing someone have to be so exclusive from knowing about someone? Pondering on a friend’s psychology, would I likely to love them less?

If we don’t want to take apart our friends and analyze them, then why do we do so with God? I know we’ve bashed the parts where we just see God as a set of rules or a set of knowledge, but we haven’t really dismissed those things either. Not only that, we analyze his personality and so on in so many occassions. I have quite often found those exercise unhelpful, but did it really draw me farther away from Him and His creations? I can hardly tell. I feel I do have the urge to know about people though, I find it hard to control. So when I think knowing about someone also helps knowing someone, I often suspect it’s just my bias and excuse.

One might say that knowing about someone isn’t intrinsically a bad thing, it just might not help with the relationship, but I don’t know if it’s this neutrally exclusive. When I think about my friends, then, would it matter if I analyze them? On the other hand, would it not really help if I don’t know what’s going on in their lives? Umm… more and more, I feel like there are two different things going on.

January 20, 2007

The forgotten, as I pursue

Posted in Uncategorized at 11:16 pm by changisme

What is forgotten? A piece of rock in the mountain, a piece of me. The country road winds itself, but I walk it. Is it really no hope because my eyes are blinded from the melting green of life? My face is burried in mud but I walk on. I know not what is written in the last pages, but roads of guidance crawl out and lead me by the hand.

I walk on, though I have forgotten. I sing my song, though I know lyrics no more. Though I bathe in slime and my mother’s blood, I am craddled in the gossamer of fairy wings. It is in the pursuit of what is forgotten, it is in the singsong of what is almost unknown I take my first step, and the next, and then the next.

January 17, 2007

five years passed, just like that.

Posted in Uncategorized at 3:36 pm by changisme

Five years ago today, I woke up in the New World for the first time. Five years! That’s a long time. It feels so short, for I remember so many details of it; it seems so long, for everything prior is so distant.
 
I talked to my mom last night for a long time, about different things, and we said we should have celebrated the fifth anniversery. Laying in my own room, it feels rather odd. She said it’s such a pity that I can no longer tell whether I’m predominantly Chinese or not. I would say I’m not predominantly Canadian, but … not so much Chinese either. I don’t know what Chinese people should be like, it seems I don’t relly fit the stereotypes. Mom said that it’s a pity that I’m no longer confident about writing something argumentative in Chinese. The fact is that I never was. I suppose if I had completed more education, I would have had a better chance stealing the ultimate secret.
 
Sometimes I deny that my parents know me well, but really… in a way they do. Mom doesn’t really know what I think about, but she knows a lot of things others who are close me don’t. When I told her that my essays never seemed to earn the teachers aproval, even if the teachers are nice and apprecite the fact that I paint a rather vivid image. Myom said it’s because my thinking is not connected enough. The fact is, I think most peole’s thinkings are not very connected, but when you write you somehow purposefully connect the points, and I thought I did try to connect them. When I read them, I felt they were pretty coherent, but I guess I was wrong. So what can I say? I just don’t have the talent?
 
I don’t really know if I could do better now, maybe I still skip around too much. Or maybe my ability to connect is better? In a way, I communicate a lot omore with other people for the past 4 years than ever before, you’d think that my thinking patterns have conformed to other people’s already. Okay.. that’s a bad way of putting it, because other people’s thinking patterns are rather different most of the time. At least… I’ve got to survey a bigger array or those patterns, hopefully I have learnt better.
 
In that sense, if my English writing could flow a little better than my chinese writings, then it’s not even the problem of a language barrier, but rather a temporal difference. I’m curious as to see what people would think about my chinese writings now.
 
Have a grown into a different Chinese rather than grown non-Chinese? Some peopl I know would disapprove such wording, because what a chinese is could not and should not be well defined, but in a sense, I think there is something to me, myself, personally, what a Chinese me should be like and what being Chinese in relation to others and the culture means to me.

January 16, 2007

it’s hard… they are… they aren’t, foundamentals of my belief…

Posted in Uncategorized at 9:25 pm by changisme

I haven’t written about the "Extreme Makeover" this past weekend yet. In a way, I don’t quite know what to say. I keep on thinking about whether or not I’m to rush to set the core of my belief hard in stone. I somehow still feel like I want it to be vulnerable a little bit… to be exposed. Maybe it’s because I feel the environment I’m in is very safe that I want to be subjected to molding. It’s not so much I don’t believe in what I believe, it’s more the fact that what I should be doing with it and what it’s doing to me is still rather unclear. I think it has done a lot and I have spent quite a bit of energy on it, more out of interests than anything else, but still, it seems like it’s still in the process. Not just a life long kind of process, but in a rather initial kind of stage. I’m somewhat enjoying this figuring out, everyone is being supportive and every so often there are interesting thoughts shooting my way, some I agree, some I do not; some I see as too conservative, some I see as too withery. Even those I don’t believe, they shape me in someways.

It’s not so much I don’t believe the FOUNDATION (woo … shiver shiver) is not important, it’s just that I feel like usually my small decisions are guided by derivatives of those fundamentalities. In a way, the foundamentals are not supposed to be making choices for me right? On the other hand, it sounds to me that those who are more experienced in life tell me that by the choices you make, people should be able to see that you are a follower of Christ or at least that ther eis light shining through you. It’s not so much i wanna be a glowing light bulb, it’s just that I don’t want to be believing in a handful of empty "foundamentals" and never use them in my daily living.

First, not too be too limiting, because if they are, then they are not what I say they are; then there’s not to be too lose, because then they are just what they aren’t. It’s so hard… how can someone articulate something and put it solid and fast and unchanging??

January 9, 2007

I might read this some years later and say I’m so errogant and ignorant, so I should write this now.

Posted in Uncategorized at 11:49 am by changisme

Biostat today was quite amusing. The prof likes to use plain terms. That’s what I like about interdisciplinary, things actually progress towards sensibility rather than getting wrapped around in something to be obscured from sensibilities.
 
He talked about sleep apnea, in particular obstructive sleep apnea. In essence, it’s just airway blockage. People would snore and block their airway and disrrupt their or their partner’s sleep. (that reminds me to bring earplugs to the retreat this weekend!)
 
What the physicians do is that you report that you have this and that problem and the doctor says, oh probably you have sleep apnea, then they schedule you for an expensive sleep test, where you sleep in a room over night and get monitored by a lab technician. The prof said it’s very expensive, so they want to do a study to enhence the diagnostics. In other words, they do modeling and predictions and so on by your age, lifestyle, measurements etc.
 
I thought iwas very stupid. Why don’t you just record the sounds (with the waves for ease) and analyze it for a prediagnostic document, and then decide whether or not you want to send them to a sleep test? It’s probably because I worked on the project at StatsCan and know how horrible these kind of modeling is with regards to its acuracy. Anyways, later on I ran into him and couldn’t help but asking about it. The prof murmurred a bunch of things like "um well, you know… " and then said, well, that’s what his partner kind of ended up doing,b ut he made it all the more complicated by letting patient wear blood oxygen measurements. Everyone could see that this resolution is not anymore sensible than measuring sound, because first of all, sounds makes it much less cumbersome to sleep with and more information about the sleeping pattern is obtained with less noise about other things. If you listen you could always tell if something else happened or if this person actually got waken up or not.
 
In acy case, the prof ended up saying, well, you know, you just have to regret that you are too late.
 
Well, I dont’ quite understand that. I just think that it’s a prediagnostic measurements. Why people have to make everything so complicated and … "esoteric" (LOL would that be the correct usage? wink wink) It might as well come to be that those who are less attracted to being combersome end up not having a job. Who knows.
 
I like the prof anyway, he’s like a big bear, very funny.

January 6, 2007

some senseless rambling

Posted in Uncategorized at 2:30 pm by changisme

I wonder if I don’t take truth/Truths seriously enough.

I don’t really embrace the idea that everything in life should align in thie same way or somehow they all land on the same plane like the nine (or eight) planets in the Solar System. I’m not sure if I simply allow ideas and theories or my values to stand separately. I like to think of them together and fertilize my intuition in different fields. Somehow making a grand array of everything is more or less befuddling.

It seems to me that if a theory or world view works in a lot of situations, then it’s a good one, and if another theory that’s different from this one that also work in a lot of situations, then that is also a good one. They work in each of their regimes and most of the times trying to bend them over with pliers and chisels just make everything look so messy. I know it’s rather irresponsible that way. On the other hand, when I do want to work on the relation between these two values, I’d need to turn the universe around and call the surface these two lines create "flat". In that way, I am abandoning the definition of "abstraction" in the universe before.

I guess the second activity – tring to pool eerything together – is undoubtedly very grand. It’s just that so many people stand on the axioms of the first try to fix the roof as in the second. It really does put me off. In that sense, I’m a little overly wary of the "pooling" activity.

I sometimes do get drawn to the idea of making everything "belong" to everything else, those that are magical, understandable, those that are surreal, real. I wonder by peacefully holding all these things in my chamber of adoration, am I taking "reality" and "truth" way too lightly? I am one chase after many things, vanities of vanities. Understandings definitely are one of them. However, understanding truth? Is that really what the horn of my unicorn pointing towards? Or it’s more my plucking flowers along the way, and some of them happen to be glorious in retrospect? That unicorn is really not mine to be honest. I feel like I’m just on it, not simply a passenger, but someone who tries to steer but first of all don’t really knwo where to steer and secondly don’t know how. I’m not too concerned with that just yet. I think I’ll just get the ride and so long as my eyes are open, I’d probably notice when, or after bright lights comes about.

* * *

Something else. I don’t know why I don’t like the business of being asked to hunt someone down the goal seems simply is to convert them. I just wanna hang around and sometimes discuss/argue about things we don’t agree. I don’t really think it’s a right attitude. I should see the great value in evangelism, though I feel not the confidence doing so. I guess this is probably where one needs to see the deficiency in oneself and take up the cross. Really, it shouldn’t be how much substance is in me right? I’m just a channel… of whose peace though? Why do I feel the clamor of joy comes not from God but from men? Is the latter really bad? It shouldn’t …

January 3, 2007

nice and round!

Posted in Uncategorized at 9:11 pm by changisme

It was a very nice and comfortable day. When I was on my way home, I saw the moon so big and bright as if guiding my steps. The clouds looked so high, that I almost felt it was higher than the moon! It was like a huge map so generous that it was revealing the "secret" of the universe for everyone to see. Then I thought of the story where Night and her son Day each rides a chariotte pulled by Sun and Moon. They were told to run round and round the Earth. I don’t know the details of the story very seel, but does that imply that they already think the earth was round back then? Or is it that they ride to the end of the earth and fall to the bottom and ride around and come aboveboard again LOL?

Or maybe they weren’t really concerned with the issue of the shape of the earth? It’s not likely. In the Middle-Earth, I think somehow the earth became round… somehow LOL! It’s so mysterious.

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