January 2, 2007

learn to see colours

Posted in Uncategorized at 10:33 am by changisme

There is one thing about growing up I like is that people actually tell me things. My mom actually talks to me about "mature" things, even if it’s not directly about her. Friends actually say what they don’t like about relationships around them, what people they don’t feel they like and what conclusions they draw from evidences. Those are things I used to wonder and guess and never knew if I were right.

it’s weird though why i like being told those stuff. They are quite often unpleasant things. That’s usually why they want to avoid telling innocent souls. It’s partly because I see the complexity of people and in a way, I am more grown up now that I don’t just draw conclusion like "this person is bad" because someone else complained to me about hir. I am more willing to see the world as a complicated art of cubism and see the values of every conjunction of beauty and ugliness.  I am more grown up now that I don’t just simply think that there is a superhero who wants to and will fix every flaw around me in a snap. I still have the impulse of wanting to do something about what makes other people and me unhappy. I don’t know if that would ever change, maybe. It’s not so much I have become more patient, it’s more that I have seen more aspects of living and processes that I am more willing to plan and take the first step first.

It’s probably also because I crave to be trusted. I crave for the closeness with people that they are willing to share their thoughts with me and know that I’m not going to be judgemental. It’s not aht I’m a saint, but rather I think the love and trust overcomes the slight wonder that surfaces if it ever does. I mean, nobody is perfect, and I really do like people who are brave enough to have an opinion. it’s probably a very fine line between having too much opinion and having none. With a friend, a close friend, I’d rather have a little more than have none at all, which makes the colours of this world all the more obsolete.

I have that weakness though. I don’t really know how to form an opinion sometimes. I think I’m afraid that it would become solid and hard to change again. It’s like using a sword newly forged. I am not one with it enough that I know when is too much and when is too little. Hopefully, in exercising it, I will know what is the right amount of "opinionatedness" if that’s a word, when is too much. It’s not an objective amount I don’t think. It’s all about how much my acceptance can handle and how well I can deal wtih changes in my views. Duringthe exercise, I probably will make mistakes. I am scared of making this kind of mistakes sometimes, because they all seem rather permanent to me. However, why would I run if I never fall? In a way, I think that’s why I still am not very good at skiing or skating though people say I was really fast learning them. It’s that I didn’t quite fall so much. I didn’t let myself to I guess. 

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