February 27, 2007

faith-folds

Posted in Uncategorized at 7:21 pm by changisme

If there’s one thing I really wonder about, well, first of all, there are many, but really. Is it the fact that we can’t really understand everything, so we knd of need this faith thing when we can’t grasp the truth otherwise, or is it that faith is just a very beautiful thing we should appreciate and wave it around whenever we want to. OR is it that we are to somehow combine this fatih thing with the process of seeking and critiques.

In a way, it’s the most understandable that we can’t know everything, so there you go, have some faith so you wouldn’t need to go crazy the very moment you start actually thinking about anything. It’s like a tranquilizer or something, but it sounds so bad, just like the drugs shrinks give little kids—they wouldn’t be able to blend into the society otherwise, so dope them with these drugs. It would be disappointing if that’s what faith is about.

If it were something beautiful and we are supposed to just HAVE FAITH in things… well, that’s so disfocusing… for lack of a better word. Faith is suppose to be about truth, the beauty of truth and it’s supposed to be a channel towards truth, not daDA~~~ A BEAUTIFUL TRAIN COSTING $100 PER RIDE TO A small and shady town in the middle of nowhere.

Maybe I’m supposed to be able to see good things about a simply beautiful passage leading nowhere, but somehow that doens’t so much coincide with my values. In fact, that actually appeals to my senses, but it’s not all about my senses or my feelings or my aethetics.

The last, faith being something that is supposed to equip me in my way towards truth sounds all the grander, but it makes the least sense. I mean really, it’s so cheesy, so I’m supposed to believe something by faith and yet be active in mind enough to question everything arround it as well? In essence, if we discover that we could work towards our goal wtih less faith, then do we drop those extra faith as it were? Is our truth seeking really just a flencing these extra folds around our faith? Ultimately, are we to discover, through what faith we hold, the core and bare bones of what faith is?

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February 24, 2007

SO TICKED OFFF!!!!

Posted in Uncategorized at 10:51 am by changisme

I was reading this article about how during the Starvation in China between 1959 and 1961, which every parent would talk about as if the nature was just playing against the newly founded chinese government and how there was really nothing anybody can do other than trying to survive, and how there wasa generation of short people because they had hardly anything nutritious to eat during their growing years. The article gives a lot of statistics about how much a brand of expensive liquor (MaoTai) was produced and consumed during those years. This type of liquor is even expensive today.
 
I was really shocked by the fact that in many places, the agricultural production wasn’t all that low! Also, in droughts and floods prior to that time period, governments had always been suspending alcohol and other productions that consume too much wheat and/or grains. Why didn’t they do that during those three long dark years??!! Who drank those liquor? That massive amount!? That’s just one factory, not even every kind of liquor. The stats suggest some were exported and some were consumed domestically. Exporting?? What’s the use of money when you have no food? If it was a short event, I could understand. There would have been momentum of exportation and people holding their current position and so on, but three years?? When people are dying? Then the government sent troops away, that’s another story. I don’t know what people are thinking. You’d think just 10 years after the country was founded, people would still entertain their ideals. What about those alcohol consumed domestically? Who drank them for God’s sake?
 
I guess what ticked me off the most wasn’t even these. I read some comment on this article, and guess what people say? They say one of two things:
Hey, so what have you done that’s so "righteous"? That’s how the world works.
or
Well, it’s sad, but there’s nothing anyone can do, the government is corrupt because they are the government, and the people are stupid because we are humans.
 
Is it really? Really? We are so hopeless that we have to accept that as how it will come? I’m usually not very into allthe advocations and stuff, because I knowv ery little and I can do little. I don’t want to say 10 and do 1, which makes it all the more hypocritical, but … really what’s that attitude???!!!
 
What about today? When globalization becomes more and more prominent. Is it really that hard to hinder the negative edge of the blade? There are good things to it, but some years later, when we look back at it, would we be regretting just as we do today?

February 23, 2007

discussion/arguments

Posted in Uncategorized at 10:18 pm by changisme

I was in a weird mood and wanted to argue to the Basharas about whole food and refined food. I know they are into natural foods, and first of all, I’m not all that much against it, it’s just it’s so over blown. Also, I know they are just like that, there’s no point arguing, but I wanted to for once talk to them about it. They were in a good mood today and offered me a piece of pie. Ron said, the only salt you should eat is sea salt. I just said, why only sea salt? He said, with Tara saying every second word, that because when foods are refined they become nutrient sucker. They deplete your calcium and minerals. Then I asked them if salt and flour need minerals to be digested, which they didn’t really answer… and I said, well, then just eat more minerals then. Then they started saying that the antient egyptions who were rich and ate refined food had osteoporosis. Well… what can I say? I mean how many poor egyptians do you actually dig up to make the comparison and also… maybe the richer ones live longer so the average ages were older! i didn’t really say those, because I got tired of our discussion.
 
I guess I’ve nver been against whole foods. I actually feel they taste better a lot of times. Maybe because they tend to be more local. I think I support local farming and production anyway, but I really don’t like it when people insist on something while they really can’t make an arguement. I mean… they can never really give a decent reason for what they believe, and with just some newspaper facts convince themselves that it’s true.
 
* * *
 
I feel sad that the break is almost over. I haven’t had enough of it really. I never get enough of vacations!!! It was good times I’ve had. The bad part is that I haven’t had much work done. I still haven’t finished my stats homework… >_< The data is so annoying, outliers…. what can I do with them? They are like naughty children, too much personality, but then you don’t really want to just get rid of them, and you end up spending 10 times as much time on it as on everyone else.

February 22, 2007

I’m tired….

Posted in Uncategorized at 4:57 pm by changisme

Somehow by unveiling myself to other people, I feel like I’m constructing a new character in a story. Somehow I can tell that this character is distorted, although I do try hard to show the true self because I believe that’s what relationships with me means, otherwise it’s relationship with this falss image of me. However, it just doens’t quite work that way. When things come out, ti’s always a different persona, and I shield and hide bits and piecsx against my will.
 
I guess there is a difference between who you want to be and who you are. It’s not even the appearance or the talents or the temper, but also the other qualities. Somehow I want to be such and such while I don’t really qualify. It’s a weird concept because those qualities are of character and one can make certain choices to be someone with certain qualities. Then how does that differ from pretending? For example, I’m not a patient person, I have a very hasty nature, but I like people who are patient, and I "pretend" to be patient, but patience by definition is just the action and the attitude right? I mean I could be patient simply by pretending to be. There are other things I want to be like and I’m just not. I can try half of the time, and the other half, I’m like a different person. Am I pretending? Or am I just a failure? Neither sounds so good, but I guess I can accept the idea of failure a little better.
 
I hate to think of myself as a changing eagle in that way. I look into the mirror and I see two people, or even more. I see these good natured and loving faces, and I also see these blue grey faces stiffened with fear and withdrawal. I see these naked bodies having nervous breakdowns trying to hide their own bodies and their horrible morales. I see them looking at their own hands and the reflections in their eyes are gnarled and crooked. I see them running away from themselves but their bodies are too disproportionate to leap. They fall, and never want to get up again… though eventually they sort of do, because as one body.. they still don’t quite want to give up.
 
I see these figures in my own mirror, I see them in disgust. In theory I should love and accept them, just as if they were other people in a distance, but it’s not so very easy. They are too close to forgive. It’s not even that, I have given them many many chances, and they screwed them up. They sure deserve more chances, I have no choice but to give them, but will it help?
 
When everything only bounces around in my own cavity, they felt different. I want to bring them to light and shake them off on other people’s lap. They are responsible for me in a sense too aren’t they? I mean God made us to be with each other and in communion with other people. They are part of my life and surely I could be in their life for real once in a while? When I put myself in a platter, it’s something that felt different. i don’t know if it’s the limitation of language that made it that way.

February 18, 2007

今年的誓言

Posted in Uncategorized at 10:14 am by changisme

过年总是一件很怪的事.每个人的生活好像突然都在以同样的波长运转了.我突然会想起很多人,不光是自己家里的人,当然家里人是首先想到的,而更多的,会想到生活的路真的不是自己在走.有时深夜里,接到一朋友的电话,说得尽是不过理解的人际关系与世事真理.之后躺在床上,心里上下,决不是什么舒服的感觉,但真的,看到自己在他人生活中一个倒影—-我也是他人故事中的一个人物,使我觉得自己真正存在.

 

我总是自私的,如果与他人一起自私,总觉得我的视野可以放大一些,不只视”,面视我们”.换句话说,在与朋友和家人分想生活之中,我看到与人分享生活中的苦与矩,而不是一个人在困苦中挣扎,在成功中狂笑.

 

昨天看了场话剧,讲的两犹太人在二战后几十年相见,两个人都在悔恨中生活着.真是,信仰在什么上面都不能真正让他们看到光明.也许什么也不能,但是,两个人其同的愿望就是能够在一起.犹太教很让我欣赏的一点,就是人与人相互的支持,这两个人,相互的关系如此复杂,有爱有恨,有崇敬有嫉妒,但真正他们能做的就是在一起.”Let’s promise we never walk away again.” says Hersh

 

Yeah, let’s promise.

February 17, 2007

night of merry spirit

Posted in Uncategorized at 7:37 am by changisme

It’d been a long while since I’d made dumplings with people for Chinese New Year. At least it felt like it’s been a long time. My mother doesn’t feel that’s an interesting thing to do, God knows why. Even my aunt who likes these kind of things sort of felt we had too few people to make a big mess. Yan, Jane and I did it yesterday, we did make a big mess, but then somehow it didn’t feel like cleaning up was a big effort, because I cleaned as we worked and we ate as we worked, and we chitter chattered as we worked. The only bad thing was that I ate way too much! Which… might not ultimately be too bad considering those were really good food… not my fridged stew, but fresh fish and dumplings!!

The loud part that made it really like Chinese New Year was when we were chopping cabbages. We banged our knives on the chopping board and I felt the birds outside must have been jerking their necks by the rythm. I’ve never been so keen on the noise to be honest, but somehow being the one who’s doing it made it all the better. I think the dough is very interesting. It’s not that it feels different to make, but also to eat. Even after 5 years of North Americanizing, I’m still not over the fact!

Now that I think about it, I actually did go to one of these dumpling making in the summer with the fellowship people. I didn’t quite feel happy at all that time, neither did I feel like in a family. I doubt it’s really the other people’s problem. It’s probably more because of the fact that our family had always been really small, and these kind of occassions usually just had five people or something, so yesterday with just Yan and Jane, and Nicky and Arthur coming in and out every so often made it just the right size for me. Yan however probably would have wished for a bigger group because she came from a big family. I can’t quite imagine having 20 something people in the family. I jsut can’t quite. I think anywhere over 8 or 9 people, I’d have lost count and blocked my mind out of it anyway.

I called my cousin and my dad and my grandparents and my friend. It was already a routine. I feel little about it. My cousin has a deeper voice now, and my dad says that he’s an extrovert now. It’s weird, because I never thought of him as an introvert. He talked quite a bit to me, but somehow every other person in the family thought otherwise. Now they are happy because he’s all talkative, although I didn’t know why the other way was inferior, I thought they were they people who said "better speak one word that worth a a ton than speak a ton of worthless words" (my crappy translation). Onthe other hand, I’ve become much more talkative over the past four years too. A friend of mine said that, but he sounded disappointed LOL I wonder how people evaluate these things. Nevertheless, we’ve both become more talkative. I wonder if that’s what unversities do to you.

February 16, 2007

pain -> run -> hair -> apparence -> heading to exams.

Posted in Uncategorized at 10:57 am by changisme

Oh man… I"m in so much pain!! I must have eaten something I shouldn’t have this morning. I was running around hoping the endorphin would kick in, and people around were looking at me weird… Maybe because I look like an escaping chimp from the zoo. I think, Jane, that I have an even closer genetic resemblence than other human, so maybe I have more scientific value as an intermediate evolutionary evidence.
 
…. so miserable….
 
It’s interesting though, when I run with my hair flying everywhere. Hey, these things are part of my body and I have them all the time, these nerveless (is that a word?) long appendages that are extensions of my very self. I still remember my cousin was very fond of her own hair and somehow my mother managed to confince her to get it cut off, but she demanded them glued back on right after. I think I felt compelled to tell her that she looked very cute with short hair just to make her feel better, although the more I said it the more I felt she did look better with short hair.
 
It’s only at these moments of crazy, unprepared running or right after some changes in my hairstyle, that I would realize the existence of my little companions. It just makes me think that why would some people be ashamed of paying attention to their outward apparences while they embrace the idea that people are relational animal. I used to wonder if what I look like, my hair included, can only be concieved by other people unless I look into a mirror (which is usually not the point of people groomming), then why should the person’s aesthetics be related to the decorum on themselves at all?
 
I gues I"m making it very complicated, it’s just that if I can’t even see myself most of the time, what I look like is more for the benefit(or damage) of other people right? The mainstream opinion i sthat we want to feel good about ourselves and we are people who love beautiful things. Well, I think not. It’s more because, we are relational beings, and we want to relate to other people in a way we want.
 
In an extension of that, if I like a sweater with Da Vinci’s horses on it, I’d rather give it to someone else and keep inviting them for dinner every night, rather than wearing them myself, unless I’m trying to learn hwo to be humble and bow my head everyday.

February 15, 2007

One thing I forgot to feel thankful about

Posted in Uncategorized at 7:35 pm by changisme

Think about it! I actually should feel thankful that the 321 midterm is together with everything else. If it weren’t, I’d have to do the weekly homework which lasts for eeeeeever and eeeeeeever and eeeeeeever, with all the other midterms spinning in my head! that would be even more Hellistic.

My geometry midterm was kind of … out of the world. I don’t think I did well, but I couldn’t have studied for it anyway, so there’s no regret on not studying. Now I’m only looking forward to tomorrow this time, or even summer!!! The bad thing is that I start working way too early, and final ends way too late. I can’t even make compramise with for Somewhere Else West. If my finals end earlier, I could have offered to start earlier and take a week off, but it doesn’t seem like possible. This is very disappointing, because I do actually miss some people from SEW. It’s finally gonna be in BC and I wouldn’t need to fly to spend airfare, but I can’t go. How great…

Man… someone’s bored here.. thinking about summer already?! Today’s weather was indeed pretty nice at the end of the day. I was on the bus home and was so attracted to the scenery that I didn’t even want to listen to my mp3 or nap or read. Then I asked myself, hey… it’s so beautiful… why do I want to go away? but then… I still want to go away LOL

February 14, 2007

stress

Posted in Uncategorized at 6:15 pm by changisme

Aye.. it’s amazing what stress can do to you. I can even get annoyed over people getting slangish when they talk. I don’t really know why, because usually I find it kind of amusing. or if it’s Beijing slang, I’d just feel happy and familiar. My roommate’s usually likes to use all these beijing slangs I’d actually kno what they mean. It makes me feel excited usually. Today however, it just made me felt like saying, oh man… stop it, sounds so stupid LOL. I didn’t really show it, but was quite distraught by the fact that I would think that at all. I’m blaming it on stress, but don’t know if it really is. Or.. it’s just that I feel less and less capable of using that kind of phrases.

February 13, 2007

my jewels

Posted in Uncategorized at 5:47 pm by changisme

I know I endulge in the past quite a bit recent years. I like to collect bits and pieces of memories and sew them into a quilt like Dina in A Fine Balance does. However, this is neither my nature, nor my value. I’d rather not do that if I have a better option (although I do have a choice always, just no better options). Many people I love seem to live in the past. They are still there, but they no longer appear in my life by any fashion. I don’t tend to explicitly feel sad, but I think about them. They contribute to my past and they are my past. When I sit on a bus or listen to a piece of music or read a story, I automatically thinka bout people and how I interact with them. If many of them exist only in one period of time, then there I go.

I don’t know if it’s a legitimate justification for too much reflection on the years that I have trampled in my clumsiness. However, there doesn’t seem to be a way to change any of it. I have seen the rainbow in two places, and leaving either one of them would mean the often procrastination of the other dwelling. It’s not so much I never get satisfy with the present, but liking what is in my hand, shouldn’t mean I lie to myself that I possess all the sapphire in the world.

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