February 22, 2007

I’m tired….

Posted in Uncategorized at 4:57 pm by changisme

Somehow by unveiling myself to other people, I feel like I’m constructing a new character in a story. Somehow I can tell that this character is distorted, although I do try hard to show the true self because I believe that’s what relationships with me means, otherwise it’s relationship with this falss image of me. However, it just doens’t quite work that way. When things come out, ti’s always a different persona, and I shield and hide bits and piecsx against my will.
 
I guess there is a difference between who you want to be and who you are. It’s not even the appearance or the talents or the temper, but also the other qualities. Somehow I want to be such and such while I don’t really qualify. It’s a weird concept because those qualities are of character and one can make certain choices to be someone with certain qualities. Then how does that differ from pretending? For example, I’m not a patient person, I have a very hasty nature, but I like people who are patient, and I "pretend" to be patient, but patience by definition is just the action and the attitude right? I mean I could be patient simply by pretending to be. There are other things I want to be like and I’m just not. I can try half of the time, and the other half, I’m like a different person. Am I pretending? Or am I just a failure? Neither sounds so good, but I guess I can accept the idea of failure a little better.
 
I hate to think of myself as a changing eagle in that way. I look into the mirror and I see two people, or even more. I see these good natured and loving faces, and I also see these blue grey faces stiffened with fear and withdrawal. I see these naked bodies having nervous breakdowns trying to hide their own bodies and their horrible morales. I see them looking at their own hands and the reflections in their eyes are gnarled and crooked. I see them running away from themselves but their bodies are too disproportionate to leap. They fall, and never want to get up again… though eventually they sort of do, because as one body.. they still don’t quite want to give up.
 
I see these figures in my own mirror, I see them in disgust. In theory I should love and accept them, just as if they were other people in a distance, but it’s not so very easy. They are too close to forgive. It’s not even that, I have given them many many chances, and they screwed them up. They sure deserve more chances, I have no choice but to give them, but will it help?
 
When everything only bounces around in my own cavity, they felt different. I want to bring them to light and shake them off on other people’s lap. They are responsible for me in a sense too aren’t they? I mean God made us to be with each other and in communion with other people. They are part of my life and surely I could be in their life for real once in a while? When I put myself in a platter, it’s something that felt different. i don’t know if it’s the limitation of language that made it that way.
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