March 31, 2007

put a period at the end.

Posted in Uncategorized at 10:39 am by changisme

I kind of want to just forget about my life right now. People seem to be leaving, school drives me crazy and I don’t get to go to Montreal for some reason I can hardly feel convinced by, procrastination is filled with stories I miss reading and feel bad wasting time on.

The door bell just rang, and Haibo is here to pick up Yan. I’m kind of imagining her seeing her parents and she said her mom is trying to think of something she really wants to eat. I’m sure there are things to worry about for her as well, work and so on, but still I feel strange sitting here staring into my computer screen and thinking about functions and Markov Chains and unstable angina. Man…! How people’s lives differ. We meet each other on the course of our busy lives and in a blink of the eye, we part once again. We still remember the days when I left my friends from junior and senior high schools. Their lives and mine have taken on different colours since then.

In a way, it is like closing a box and the lights shining from this box is folded in ray by ray. Until everything is packed up and put into storage. It’s like when you watch a disney classic, the big hardcovered book open with all the splendor, and at the end the book closes and all the magic is trapped inside. Life is like that sometimes, not just with roommates, but with other friends too, you feel like we walk onand close up things from behind. I really don’t like the feeling of doing that, but somehow it just happens.

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March 29, 2007

overwhelming

Posted in Uncategorized at 6:44 am by changisme

It’s just hard to think about what life has to offer, because it offers too much. There is only so much I can devour with my though greedy appetite. Is making choices the only way to solve the conflicts between abundance and limitation? Really, I want to ask you, my Creator and Sustainer, choices, they are such harsh and difficult things. Is it because you have providence in abundance and I are only so small? Do we live more fully simply by making the choices we face? The decisions in a way is a new degree of freedom ba, and You add a new dimention into our lives. However, beautiful things like this are not simple, not at all! They swim into the shopes of the clouds I see; they roll up together with my daily jog trots; they go to bed with me and make its way into my restless dreams.

Sometimes I simply want to stay put. Though I want to escape from the overwelming neons around me, I find my mind has waves swirling inside. On the one hand, I really want to be quiet for awhile, but really, am I just trying to run away? Can I?

March 28, 2007

back to homework…

Posted in Uncategorized at 5:48 am by changisme

I’ve always known that physical activities really get my mood up. It’s just confirmed once again I guess, or maybe I just put too much emotion into the sitting down and brain wrecking before. There’s only so much my mind can endure. Things that are interesting, and would be interesting if I’m not so worn out, have turned their backs on me.

The tourney was pretty good. I’m not saying that just in a cliche way. I think the best part is that we got to play more games than before. I like that. I’m not trying to be insulting or anything, but I get tired of sit and watch other people playing after awhile. I wish we could play even more though, just like the guys who played like… 10 games!!

On my way back to the airport and during the wait before checkin, I was with Janice from Alberta. She was tired I guess, and we didn’t talk much, but it’s interesting she wouldn’t talk about much of anything else other than goalball… well, so much for me trying to diverge her mind from the whole weekend of busyness. She also didn’t discuss a whole lot about what I should improve though, she seems to be just emphasizing on that I should keep playing and try different positions. She just doesn’t want me to drop out I suppose. It’s not like I will.

Each year, I just feel like BC’s always kind of by ourselves, it’s not like we try to do that, but somehow it always come out that way…

Oh yeah… back to homework, reality check…. how great.

March 22, 2007

overflow

Posted in Uncategorized at 11:24 am by changisme

There’s only so much churning I can burry in my mind. I really don’t know why I’m thinking about something so silly so much. It’s hard to really talk about things with people… It’s not like I usually have such problems, as I spill out pretty much everything and end up talking too much, but in a way, I don’t want to solidify some feelings and I don’t want to talk about it while I really need to.

It’s so hard.

March 21, 2007

it’s just about how I lose myself when I’m too excited/stressed

Posted in Uncategorized at 10:48 pm by changisme

How easily I get distracted from the course of purpose! I guess going to the tournament is very exciting, but I have been having such a bad attitude towards other things with people. Really, it’s just a tourney, and every person around me is more important, the fact clear as water. I guess it’s hard to see through the clearest crystal when I’m either too happy or too sad.

I guess why I need to refocus my vision really. What are the priorities and what simply look big because they are right very close up. There are things look so big and fresh, as if they are giant roses dripping red. I am so close that I just wna to stick out my tongue and think I can get a drop of the sweetness. I’m rather easily dazzled that way.

A lot of times we don’t like how we are born because we can’t do certain things and seem to rely on other people. I, at least, used to be ashamed about these sort of things sometimes, but really it’s a big humbling experience. I can see how much I need help from othe rpeople and want to offer myself likewise. Okay… I’m not actually that much of a "good person", but at least I try. It’s dumb to only feel guilty… better to actually change and do it, so I wouldn’t need to be eaten up by guilt eh?

March 20, 2007

my flowery world… too many distractions

Posted in Uncategorized at 12:02 pm by changisme

Life is in its fullness. People (like me) don’t tend to really succeed or find my one real passion is because there are so much around me that is worth loving and pursuing. A chinese parent would call it too much distraction from your academia, and a life mentor would say it’s too many choices in our social environment. It really seems to be true. I mean even though I care about these alphas and betas, it’s just almost impossible to really say, this is my pursuit and my talents lie here, where I want to give myself to the world.
 
If I can only do one thing, or I can only be allowed one vocation, then either I give up on life, or I dive right into my one and only pit of life. It might well be that my potential (if there is any to start with @_@) be stretched to its fullness. On the other hand, a life such as this is rather stressful isn’t it? I would be hanging onto one lifeline afraid of the botomless abyss down below.
 
People are too conflicting. They say that God lvoes us and just wants us to live in the world and provide us with these pink and blue coloured icings, and let us choose. We are like children and have a hard time choosing between the two thinking they make a difference like day from night, while really we can’t make enough of a difference to really matter. The flow of things awill still go on. At the same time, people tell me that we are given the choice and our actions really matters to others. The latter seems more evident in a micro level, which is really mostly what I do or should care really. My choices do matter. Well… okay do I really believe that deep down?
 
While really I live a life of joy and little accomplishment, is that really a responsible way to live? Or … does one have to make a difference in one concentrated area to not waste a life that is given by grace?

March 18, 2007

play

Posted in Uncategorized at 8:31 am by changisme

Grace was a pretty "strong" play, if I can describe a play this way. There are a lot of making fun of those "born again" Christians, but in the mist of that, there are some very very sincere conversations too. I think was probably a very difficult project for the playwright. Some of those things are just so cliche, it wouldn’t sound true even if it were true. I remember so well when Sara talks about her experience and how despatate she is to just let Sam know that she just wants him to know her as a person and this is how she percieves the world. Really, ultimately isn’t that what we want? We cannot lay down our pride to say, we NEED you, because I am a human being who happen to be a communal animal. We NEED each other because we are all interdependent. There are only so much you can say about "depending on other people is dangerous" as Richie puts it, but one can hardly deny that our lives are in other people’s hands.

If we didn’t need to depend our emotions and livelihood on other people, why is forgivemess so very important? Why is vulnerability so very important? We are to hold ourselves out in the wind, not just a faronian west wind, but also in the storm. It is in that we see our nakedness and how I, Karen, walk with those around me. It is in the baptism by a freezing winter I feel the warmth of those who I lay my heart upon. I tell people our beliefs, not avoid them, because I want them to knwo me, and in turn… hopefully they want me to know them as well. It could well be that I’m just not a very sharp person to predict what someone else would do, but that’s okay, I know what they did and hopefully I can know what they wanted to do. That’s part of the sharing of ties.

* * *

Oh well, so much for stories with dead people this last couple days. I guess I’m more scared of myself than those who are dead. How am I to be standing next to someone who no longer are? I cannot imagine. Someone told me that it’s not worth thinking about, while that very someone said it’s hard try not to think. Anyway, I guess i’m not really worried about it. I am mature enough to know that my love for people is for them and for me, it hardly matters to them how I react when they are dead, and to myself… I can only tell myself once and once again, that even if I don’t feel like shedding a tear does not change the fact.

March 17, 2007

well, just to let something out.

Posted in Uncategorized at 1:34 am by changisme

It’s actually a pretty comfortable night, comfortable to walk around, and not rush home (aye, even though I have a good reason to!). It’s the first time I actually felt the clouds wipped with a cream of orange by the city lights is not that awful looking. It’s really, notably, quite something when you feel the moon is smiling at you.

Especially, when it’s a moonless night.

In any case, I’m pretty clumsy, so I never really know what to say and what to do. Just to be honest, I’m not totally useless as I know how to appreciate, well… okay, at least I do appreciate. I think that redeems a big part of the values of many things, although, it’s probably nicer if I can show appreciations better.

Another thing is that, one doesn’t have to simply be insecure to want to act in a way someone else likes, it’s more that I feel it’s a nice thing to reciprecate the will and offer. It’s really like a cross-stitching. On the other hand, it would have been really hard if I know hardly anything about myself, because then I would just get lost. Think about Naruto and when he in a snap of the fingers change into a thousand copies of himself, and sometimes has hardly any control over who’s who. Good thing he can still know who’s the real one. I can just imagine if he didn’t know which one should be left manning the wheel of life.

It’s amazing how I can know so much about myself when I get to know other people and other things. Although I wasn’t such a 300 fan, I have to say the scene when the queen looked into the water and scooped some up with her fingers, I see how she summed all the unspoken threads in her mind and crystalized in a way she sees herself as a free soul, and how she sees others in her dominion as free souls. She discovers her own being through a life of hardship. I totally don’t envy her, but who can be blinded from that kind of sculpturing of the heart and mind? It’s not so much that she has become a better person through all that, but she has discovered so much there is to be discovered. Well, okay I’ll end there before I actually make the movie sounds appreciative.

March 15, 2007

Mr. Time

Posted in Uncategorized at 7:13 pm by changisme

I saw the image of the first permanent photograph and it’s called View From Workroom. It had to be exposed for eight long hours in bright sunlight for a very fussy shadow to be inprinted. On the other hand, it’s such an interesting picture that it’s almost four dimentional. It was because of the long exposure hour that the buildings had sun shining on it both from the left and from the left. It wasn’t just a big dark blob though, it was more like a different change of shade than the normal 3D perspective we are used to.

I wonder what it’s like to really sit there and look at time walking by. I picture him as a steady young gentleman taking his each step in its own mind’s rythm. He would wear black shoes that, as solid as they are, make no sound. I think he would wear a hat, I haven’t quite decided what colour, but it obscures his eyebrowse and make you wonder what kind of temper he is in.

The fact that I can hardly make myself to enjoy such peaceful observation upon a mysterious and potentially handsome young man, lies in the fact that truth and beauty often lie in tension of this world. I do believe that truths often (don’t know if it’s always) lies between two views of tension. While the world has so much to offer, I can live ten times and still have interesting things tugging my sleeves, but at the same time, once in a while, when I slow down and stop looking left and right, I see peace and there is truth in that as well. I don’t know when Lao Zi said people who really seek truth should just stay in a quiet place that is remote, I’m not sure if he meant that there are enough to learn in that one place, in intricacies of nature and self; or does he mean that one should learn from being peaceful and not be blinded by colours?

If one say, well, just be busy some time and take some time doing nothing. That sounds all very sensible, but on the other hand, it’s simply adding another item onto my todo list right? I mean, okay now I have to squeeze Mr. Time into my list too, how fanciful! It’s doesn’t quite make sense philosophically, but well, it doesn’t have to, so that’s alright.

* * *

On a different note, everyone seems to be so excited about national’s at goalball. I totally have no idea what it’s going to be like. Shawn is pretty confident that we will finally be able to beat someone this time. I’m not sure if I’m happy about that, I mean… it’s not like I’m so "kind" or anything, but it’s just I feel more sympathetic towards Manitoba who’s supposed to be weak, than towards all those other iron women like Ontario and Quebec and Sask. I’d rather beat them!! Well… I guess it doesn’t work that way, since if they were weak enough for us to beak, I probably would feel in the same camp with those people again.

March 12, 2007

different lives…

Posted in Uncategorized at 9:50 pm by changisme

Today Ron asked me how old I am, and I said, 22, then he asked what I am doing, i said, peeling orange, and what then? I said, doing homework. Then Tara smiled, and said, when she was 22, she had Zander. Silence… wow, said I.

They did say say that a child was unexpected, though they were happy and loved their son. They weren’t planning to settle down and didn’t get married till much later. They are a happy family now. Anyway, I just feel like even though we live under the same roof, our lives are so different. What it is like to bare a child I cannot imagine, and what it is like to bare the responsibility of raring a child, I can’t magine even less. There I was staring into blank space, and Ron laughed at me and said, "now Karen’s thinking, she would have had both homework and a child!" Well… yeah that was what I was thinking LOL. On the other hand, it would not necessarily be so, I mean I could just find a job and settle down, but I can hardly imagine myself doing that.

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