March 6, 2007

what is it like to be 22?

Posted in Uncategorized at 8:24 am by changisme

We were playing heart attack plus or minus one yesterday at Jane and Plotty’s place. Then I thought, well, you know, what is it like being 22? It kinda feel like being 22 or 23. You’d probably say that I haven’t even experienced 23 yet, why am I so pessimistic about life that I’m so sure there wouldn’t be anything new. In fact there will be something new as I will be graduating in that year, but still, somehow life has fallen into a rythm.

I don’t know if it’s good. People tell me that I should treat each day as a new and exciting creation of the world. I should be able to look at each ray of sunlight like an innocent child. I find that an overly emphasized model of living. It’s really not necessary for me to be involved in this life and to enjoy it. I love this world and speculate many aspects of it, but that’s after I have been together with it for the past twenty two years. I have gotten to know it better and have more of an emotional tie with it now.

It’s like getting to know people. I feel when I just know one person, however curious I am about that person, I don’t get as involved as the person, emotionally or socially, as after I get to know them more and more. I feel like there are many things I get used to someone, and then I would want to speculate those facts, those things I have gotten myself accustomed to. If I just meet someone, I would be busying myself trying to get used to hir. That’s quite a bit of work you know? i can’t quite sit down and enjoy existence under that kind of stress.

It’s like getting to know God and His creation too. I feel like when I stand on the outside and look at the surface I can never quite get what is inside. A courage of submersion needs to be there, and I go into this world of discomfort (though there are comfortable things in it too). At that moment, I couldn’t really demand an answer to anything and everything, otherwise I wouldn’t be able to procede. I jsut had to go through and accept somethings in a way, but then they are all bookmarked or something along the line. Later on, I feel I can sit down and chew things one by one, the world become clearer sometimes. This process of immersion apparently doesn’t come to completion, which might be a good thing, because then I would be remindd that I had a promis to myself moments in the past, just like a moment of today, I would uncover the lid of a cookie jar.

When it comes to knowing oneself, I guess in a sense I don’t really have the choice of "immersion", since I was born into this body in a winter day thousands of miles away. I could hardly choose! However, there is the element of accepting who I am. It’s almost the same concept. I think if I can accept who I am, which i am still in the process of doing, then I can know myself better. I believe the process of accepting oneself shouldn’t be as endless as the other two right? It’s quite an effort, but somehow I feel like.. at least I’m self contained?? Well…. maybe totaly bounded but not uniformly bounded?

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