April 15, 2007

come and try me!

Posted in Uncategorized at 1:52 pm by changisme

There are many things sprouting in my life and my mind. I just feel it very hard to concentrate and do something I should be doing. I know it’s hard to dfine what it is I should spend my time on. Usually the norm is deal witht he important and the urgent. In my case however, I think there is a important and there is the urgent, but they don’t happen to coincide. What’s more, the important things which lingers in my heart so much that I can’t not deal with it even if I wanted, are hardly solvable. They are issues that I want to put a golden stamp on and just say, done!

I took a stroll in the neighbourhood today and the sun was shining through every crack in the clouds. That was fairly early in the morning and I fel the light was transforming the smell of the soil and the streets. Then I remembered how in the Alchemist, the universe conspires to help those who are determined enough to pursue their dreams. I feel pretty brave in my everyday life now. I feel that I want to be involved and conquer what there is to conquer, stand up against what there is to stand up against. In a way, there are more and more things, especially those involving people, are not problems I can write up a solution for (but then even for math, there are so many things I can’t solve anyway!). I feel encouraged in a way to go on.

I don’t know why I do have that much courage actually. These things stress me out so much. Maybe I feel important in my life now that I have these problems? Maybe I’m still not over the days when I never had many people problems around me because I felt nobody cared to be in my life? In any case, I haven’t felt any chill in my heart that I just want to shut the book and walk away. Probably, one of these days, I will eventually break down and wrap up my hope in a brown paper bag. I probably will close up the aroma of warmth in the crackling sound of the paper. There sounds like a fearful finale I don’t want to get into.

It’s not like I’m not overwhelmed, I am somtimes. I feel that my abilities are so limited. It’s like how some people think I’m so capable, it’s more because I’m so willing to take on much and pretend that I’m so capable, and act like I know what I’m doing. I somehow don’t believe in fear even though I entertain so much. Maybe it’s because I have so much of it that I’m more conscious of not letting it dominate my life.

But then, by avoiding it so much, I still let it drive me in whatever I do.

It’s really quite unbelievable how some people can acknnowledge their fears and not become slaves to them. In the one sense, simply intellectually saying I have fears, doesn’t seem to do enough. I often find I need some profound expression in order to get my heart out of lies like "I’ve got nothing to be scared of".

On the other hand, I can’t really open up this pot of hot chilli and not sneeze right? Once I open up the bag, really open, the fearsome cat jumps out, and I’m all panicky. In an ideal circumstance, ZI turn to someone else. People tell me to turn to God, but He’s so hard to turn to sometimes. He’s always there yeah, but as much as I don’t want to make Him abstract, He’s so not tangible. He’s not someone I can just grab a hold on the arm and cling to. Well.. okay sometimes I do imagine myself doing that, but I don’t think it’s healthy. It makes me feel insane, and I feel some inner self is coming out, and it’s some unacceptible inner self.

If it’s people around me I should be turning to, and they are representabives or tenticles as it were of God, then I need to consider so much. I need think what’s the consequences of me burdening the others which this, and what its effects on the community and our future relationships. I’m a quick tempered person, and don’t tend to consider these things before it happens, but I do a lot of that thinking after the fact, which is really stupid indeed.

Anyway, back to what I said… I still want to take on life in the arena, but I just don’t know how.

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