May 31, 2007

Anger and hurt… these people… so rude, just leave me alone!

Posted in Uncategorized at 12:31 pm by changisme

I thought I have reconciled this, I thought my emotions have stopped being so suseptible towards it, but know. It makes me hate Chinese way of relating and acquaintance. I hate it, I don’t freakin care if I sound racist, I am racist against my own community, which I think is probably worse, because it’s so real.
 
My tears are hot and they burn like lava erupted and flowing through the rest of my body, reddening all my veins. He doesn’t even know me and treats me like a clown in front of other people. It reminds me of the junior high years when I feel at odds with almost all the guys, who seem to be so nice to most other people and my best friends could even have a love-a-life with them. Some of them have twisted handsome faces, laughing eyes shines with piercing evil. I want to hate them, and I do, but I know I have no good reason, because I know… they don’t understand, they can probably never understand. Why could they, and why would they need to? There are things that never enter their realm of life.
 
I hate them, because they are caring in all other ways, but they just don’t know how to care about this one other person’s feelings, or they don’t care to care probably.
 
I hate this whole ordeal because it seems everyone else’s attitude is understandable, only my hatred is begrudged in my own burning universe. Why is still there my God? Help me, I want to live forever away from the centre of the earth where darkness, isolation and fire churn. You are the one who says love my enemy. I find it ever so difficult. I don’t even know if it’s as simple as I forgive them, it’s confusion that makes me wonder who am I hating, them or me?
 
I just feel like.. these people, so rude, just leave me alone…
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May 27, 2007

detached feelings with an eventful weekend

Posted in Uncategorized at 11:04 pm by changisme

The day light finally gave up and faded from the sky. I somehow felt the clouds that still held on to their youthful silver lining, did not belong. They did not seem to belong to the uniformity or smooth gradient of colours. Nor do they belong to the penetrating and yet faraway existence of the sun and the moon. I walked on along the familiar sidewalks. Each house with its routine of flower beds. I felt the clouds belonged down here. It’s an intricate feeling of in betweenness maybe. I could only commiserate. (It’s not so much the ethnicity, at least not only so. There are so many things in life that make one feel in between or among many.)

Anywhooo, it was a "runful" weekend. I had two runs around 5K. I’m not a regular runner, so it makes me all the more pumped with extra endorphin. Friday night, Run For Light was nice. It was quieter than previous years, which was a shame. It was such a nice activity. More interesting than day runs. We each went about waving a glowstick, which we broke ceremonially at the warmup, except for some impatient children. The weather was cloudy and starless. It was as if they all fell onto the field where Lumberman’s Arch stood. I danced and played with Paige, who drained half of my energy before the run even started!

The weather was mild and when we ran we could hear the shrushing and gurgling of the water as the tide changed. It was an odd feeling, the same odd feeling each year, because I look across fromt he water, I see downtown’s well-lit hotels and entertainment establishments, and thinking.. that’s the busy place, but being where I was, I could neithe rhear, nor see the busyness over there. On the other hand, feeling the trodding and giggling around, sometimes even seagul, I could only smile at the irony.

The Fun Run was fine this mroning as well. There was a juggler who was very amiable, even though he dropped a real egg AND a stairil foam egg. I think I treasure seeing failed fuggler than perfect ones, simply because the latter seems too easy to encounter! Also, there were a couple interesting people I met, both from co-op program, neither I remembered the name of… 😦 In any case, the run was much more well participated than the night run. I felt a glimps of hope for next year because Doug had convinced Mike that we would do some campaign. Oh dear.. except for next year I won’t be around… I jsut realized. How selfish of me wanting to share the glory of such things hehe.

Oh yeah, forgot to mention another fun thing. Saturday was church spring clean up at Fairview. To be honest, I know little about gardening, not because of dislike, but the lack of opportunity (or maybe that’s why I haven’ t yet disliked it). It was fun though. I did edging the whole time. It was rather hard work for me who was not very acquainted with the techniques. The grass collectively really had strong roots. My spear looked quite sharp, but the grass seemed less damaged than my hand which was rewarded wth a couple of small blisters. Unless… I’ve been using the tool backwards? In fact, I was so ignorant that I didn’t even know it was called "edging" when I was doing it first, it seemed a weird sort of work to me. They said it looked neater… I didn’t feel the grass blurring the division between the lawn and the sidewalk was any more unattractive than having an abyss of snakish tranches. It was, and still, bizarr to me. In any case, Grant, probably knowing that I wouldn’ tknwo what this work is called, enounciated a comment of "Oh you are edging Karen, you are doing well!" I think it was ever so clear that I had neither done it or seen it done beofre.

At the end, I was so tired and was dying for lunch. We had sandwiches in the downstairs kitchen, where I discovered there actually were woman in this clearnup!! Well.. gender divided labour I guess. I got pretty proud in myself joining the men’s work. I hence had two sandwiches in delight.

May 24, 2007

The Gadfly

Posted in Uncategorized at 5:03 pm by changisme

Today I saw the word gadfly. I all of a sudden remembered the book I read in junior high The Gadfly. I think it’s because of my poor interaction with the nature, I really had no other encounters with gadflies. It’s rather curious because the story is about how a guy Burton has seen through the iniquitous church and probably hence religion in general and pledge to the revolt. That’s why is called The Gadfly. At the same time… to my silly eyes, Gadfly has such a resemblence in its word form with Godfather, which is who betrayed Burton.
 
I remember very little of the details, except for how contemptuous Burton was even in his death bed pumped with morphine. How in his heart he has lived just to oppose those who betrayed him. His life was consumed. In his conclusion, religion is an opriate for those who are under dominion. For him, I feel it’s just the opposite. Anyway, it’s stereotypical enough nowadays. Afterall the story was written in the 19th Century. It’s one of those books that are well read in communist/socialist countrist such as mine.
 
It really does make me wonder though, how much can we separate the church and our humanness, and how much should we separate them. In the most common level, it’s the church and the state. Power corrupts people, so we say, okay let’s not give religion power. I don’t know if that makes the enpowered less powerful or make the religious purer. Given our human state, I probably would agree that since people like me need spirituality and believe that communal involvement for that matter is essential, separation of Church and state is probably the only for me to have both in my earthly life.
 
What about other things though? Can we really say, spirituality is purer and beautiful and whatever we see that are not, we gauge that out of the definition of our spiritual lives. Isn’t that a very narrow view of the world? However, do I want to dispose that though? Not really, I have faith in the exsistence of a bigger good and truth of this world. Something that I can found my hope upon. If I make "good" and "truth" way too abstract, I’m not loving it, but rather seeing it from a distance.
 
Yesterday, we fell into this, as I perceive, very silly discussion of how you wold measure God’s favour. I’m someone who is usually afraid of baring responsibilities, so by instinct… you know I don’t really pray for God’s favour all that much. Life is complicated enough without it. I know it’s a very harsh and probably it hurts God a lot when i say it. I’m trying though. I am, really. One of these days I’ll be able to shoulder much more responsibilities (favour in my dictionary) than I am willing now. Anyway, that I got side tracked. I point is that I don’t think it’s quantitative to start with. In the scripture on which I’m no expert, I don’t remember hearing things like I (God) favour both A and B but I favour B more than A. Or maybe He’s just not very quantitative, which is true…
 
When I do bare God’s favour, then I need to love it. I cannot simply separate my faith from all that I can understand. Everything within my reach is tainted and can be bad. Each and everytime I am disappointed by what I had thought as being good and trustworthy, I lose a piece of my heart. It’s just like Burton loses his identity after the betrayal of whom he trusted most. he trusted in his Godfather. What about me? I sure trust in someone who can never disappoint me, God, but really!!! He is not as concrete as Burton’s Godfather. Burton talks with him, weeps with him and kisses his hand. He sees every wrinkle in his robe and hears the russling under his sleeves. He loves him as such a real person. What about me? I put my trust in something that by definition is trustworthy, whatever that fails me simply be sheared away from His extension. How can I bare His favour? How can I be galliant on His journey?
 
Sometimes I feel that I just ponder too much and do too little. Richie had said that I should help out with the Navs next term. I know it’s not like I need to know a lot or be super committed. Still I’m hesitant for some reason. Maybe I should just stop thinking about HOW could God be more real.. and just live it, maybe life will answer itself… but it’s ever so difficult my friend. >_<

May 23, 2007

=_= sick

Posted in Uncategorized at 8:37 am by changisme

Man… I haven’t gotten this sick for a long time. Last night I just felt my body could never be in the right position. I was reading some story to comfort myself, but somehow I was muddy enough to feel that I was part of the story. I was thinking to ask the character to slow down a bit because I had a splitting headache. It was one of the most peculiar feelings. These people are like people in dreams where faces are not very clear, but the general physique is. Also, they have very clearly defined voices.
 
This morning is a lot better. I still have a bit of a fever, but very very low. I’m wondering if a fever is just in my scull. In a way, I feel it mainly on my head, on the other hand, when you are sick, your body becomes all stupid and wobbly too right? Is it just that the brain can’t control the limbs very well anymore?
 
This is one of the reasons why I didn’t like growing up, and now I just have to face the fact. I’m clingy when I’m sick, but now I have no mummy and daddy to cling on to. I can still remember the days when we take out the bedrolls at night. When I was sick, those comfy beddings would stay out during the day and mom would set up a little table and have congee made. Sometimes she would even have dried shredded pork. There would also be watermelon so red that I felt the juice would glow in my mouth. Dad would also boil pears and put ice sugar in. The pear would end up having a swallen and soft texture which doesn’t taste very good, but I would eat them anyway for some odd reason.

May 21, 2007

nice relaxing hike.

Posted in Uncategorized at 3:41 pm by changisme

Went hiking with Hannah, Curtis and Richie, as well as a couple kids. It was a short and pleasant hikes where at times I could actually not keep my eyes on the ground so much and look at the trees around me.

It was on Mt. Seymour near the water front. I actually don’t know if the stream is small enough to be called a creek. It’s pretty swollen after a couple days of rain for sure. The water rolls down pieces of large rocks. It’s interesting looking at them racing downwards, because on the one hand, they run around the rocks and not quite offend them, on the other hand, they don’t seem intimidated at all. It’s almost a feeling of… "I’m not scareda ya, but don’t wanna bother having a fight either."

I like the hemlock and the Douglas fir because they are so straight and tall, that they make me feel like they are so sure of their existence. The rain had nurtured the needles of them into a very liquidy greenish state that I felt the needles would relax and fatten out and become residual leaves.

I saw these little plants that look like maple leaves again. I don’t know what they are. Maybe some berries? They are so cute and rich. Richie told us how they were eating salmon berries, (when we saw some on the side of the road) and they just had to go relief themselves right away LOL. Good cure of constepation!

For the whole time, the sun blurred with the clouds, mistifying the mountains far away as well as overcasting ourselves. I felt soothing for the first time in many days. There were all these problems around me, but there I was feeling all the more comfortable. I think it’s probably that my problems were not really related to them. Not… quite anyway.

Another thing was that Richie just kept on talking. It’s so nice because people like me wouldn’t need to worry about conjuring up a topic. Hannah and Curtis of course are his match as well.

May 20, 2007

dancing and… chancing… :D that’s pretty bad..

Posted in Uncategorized at 10:56 pm by changisme

The club floors buzzed. I’m actually not a fan of clubbing to be honest. Reality roars in confusion around me as if life is not complex enough. Most people go to make their days more filled with beats and colours, but I really wonder… what it really adds. People glash into my sight and danced in the most unselfly demeanour, in my opinion because of the robbery by the environment. I still go every half a year maybe simply for the need to dance.

Dancing is a previlige I think. It’s really not that often in my life where I can have people so willingly co-operate with me in a personal level. It’s a previlige a girl can enjoy in this world I live in. I can enjoy being led. Hip hop not so much maybe, but  for things like Salsa and swing… really… educators wring your ears telling you to be in control all the time… dancing.. finally you can be a follower and also actively play a role. I feel the body roam about using the senses most remotely from the brain. (maybe I’m still too much of a student that I find such opportunities hard to encounter.)

It’s the conflicting life I lead isn’t it… want to dance but don’t want to go to a club! >_<

* * *

I saw this sculpture, well… not really sculpture, a piece of art anyway, of a wooden skeleton of a huge snake, a cobra? Some how the wounding of the body made me feel like it’s very comforting. it made me feel like it would be with me for a longer while… rib after rib… it was a very interesting piece because the bones are not… that realistic in detail, so I didn’t really feel like I’m looking at an animal, but the overall shape of a realistic portray, so at the same time I felt it was quite alive.. There was part of the art that was inhibited because of something related to wildlife and the SPCA. I don’t know much about it. Anyhow, I think the piece stood just like that rather well.

The exhibition was not bad, mainly emphasizes on the theme of chance and involvement of creation away from the creator of the pices themselves. I rather feel a desire for the artists to have involvement in the piece rather than withdrawing from it. In any case, it’s only my opinion, and I’m no artist so haha. They probably have too much of themselves everyday and think… well if we create these art that don’t much come from us, then we ourselves can benefit and be the audiance too! Oh well… i’ll stop being so silly, I’m so dead and can sleep right here right now zzzzzzzzzzz

May 15, 2007

All I can do is hope

Posted in Uncategorized at 8:25 am by changisme

A few pieces of cereal floating in a patch of opalescence. My body is screaming for sugar after hours of tormoil. All that the world has to teach me is there are consequences to whatever I do. I had probably done things years or months ago that my heart had warned me of the results, I had not listened.
 
I have been a stubborn person, though I dive into all pools of dirty waters without much reluctence. Stubborn, yet not fixaded, if that’s a good way to put it. I would walk into the Vancouver waters knowing it’s freezing cold. I walk and walk feeling the painful sensation. My heart would tell me, in a minute you will feel numb and pain, she says. I walk yet still. Then I feel numb and pain.
 
Mom says I used to be a very stubborn child. Once, I tried to put a small jar into a big one. She knew that I knew perfectly well that small would fit into the large. She had even tried to make me do that, but I was determined on my path. I cried and jammed all at once. My face screwed up in frustration.
 
I guess there is a difference between knowing and doing. I asked God many many times, what should I do with myself? I seem to be the creator of pain and sorrow for others as well as myself. I must be able to help it, I must! But why don’t I? Why do I still do stupid things when I know they are stupid? I’m not always logical to be honest, even though I’m a mathematician. Rather, I think the need for science and scientific understanding is a relief/remedy for my illogical inner being, just as a feverish man longing for a dip in the cold soothing water.
 
I prayed. I prayed for goodness, for I feel little in myself; I prayed for love, for I tainted what flows through me; I prayed for hope, though I still have it to hold on to. Be with those whom I hurt my Lord, and be with those who have hurt me. We are such a clan in its infancy, we suck on your nipples and cry while pushing away with our own stubby arms and fingers. Hold me, my Father.

May 12, 2007

The sky is black… because of me.

Posted in Uncategorized at 12:19 am by changisme

At night, sky is black, as black as a roll of heavy wool that dress up those who stream into the crowds of a funeral. Summer, though with her beauty, withdraw from me with chills under the dim street lights. I often feel that summer here is like a lady behind high gates. She sits there will her radiance far far away. I see the warmth, and yet I feel none.
 
My heart sinks, as I look at myself and see the entanglement of my own common idiosyncracy. I blame myself not for the little I possess, but for the abundance I hold and yet do not deserve. I hold a paint brush that I cannot master, the only thing I do, is to taint the sky with contentious darkness. What have I done?

May 11, 2007

Mother’s child

Posted in Uncategorized at 8:59 am by changisme

An article fromt he Globe And Mail says that researchers found some maternal cells, even stem cells, loooong after birth. I’m not sure how sound the study is, but it is certainly food for thought. Of course it is unsurprising that small amount of cells migrate from mothers to her fetus, but having the cells there in habitted is a rather interesting issue. Isn’t it our cells that make us who we are? Is our spirituality as well as physicality constituted by cells?
 
I guess the percentage of maternal cells is very low, but still… while I was reading the article, I felt my mother’s presence. As contemptious as she is a lot of times, she has a warm bonding with me that I can never neglect. I often wonder how parents are part of our lives. I don’t think it shouldn’t simply be how they affected our ways of thinking and partly made us who we are, there’s also a longing. A longing like new born tortoise heading to the water. I guess there is always something that can never break, whatever happens.

May 8, 2007

who likes shopping, hands up…

Posted in Uncategorized at 10:36 pm by changisme

I often feel downtown is its own little world. Vancouver itself also has its busy area where all the shops are. Downtown had never been an essential place for me to go. Having lived here for five years, I can hardly recall ever have been walking on Robson and shop, until today.

It was an interesting excursion with Lydia. Her expertise, though not over the top, was quite enough to boggle me. We went into ALDO fist, that’s pretty much the only shoe chain I know (other than Payless). The shoes gingerly sit on layers upon layers of shiny glass surface, all looking small or chic. I wondered when the boatish looking shoes came to fashion, Lydia said, oh a long time ago, last year maybe. I stuck my tougue out stopping myself from a little snorty laugh, which was either directed to my ignorance or the dynamics of this industry. There are all these shoes that look so small and the straps seemed like they are ballerina standing upon the curveture of the shoes. I wonder what I would look like in them. I probably would become too consciencious wearing them.

It’s actually funny, because the reason I wanted to look at shoes in the first place is that I don’t want to feel self conscious when I wear skirts and some inadequate footware, but now… if wearing them make me feel like a Pippy in Barbie doll outfit, I have achieved little.

Eventually, we went to GAP and Lydia went through the whole browse-try-pay routine. I tried to look, but it took so little time that I had to look through the whole store three or four times, including men’s wear. After awhile, I feel the sales girls must have felt suspicious of me. To be honest, I got the idea, okay, this summer… long tops with dim coloured shorts or capries. I feel little need for topping up more luggage for my next nomadic expedition. There was a nice red shirt, but who am I wearing it for? I can’t see it. LOL

Eventually, I settled on a nice straw hat. It makes me wan to smile, when i wear it. it makes me feel summer is here and I can be part of it. The hat is very soft and has a dark green strap on the crease between the dome and the brim. Lydia gave her consent and we paid and left.

In my mind, I really have no reason to dislike shopping. It’s interesting to look at beautiful things. However, somehow excursions such as this always become very repetitive. I don’t know why stores have to look the same, or why people prefer a street with stores so similar to each other.

Well… actually even for streets with a lot of different stores, I think I can’t quite appreciate either. I can’t quite figure out why. I think the visual imput is too much for me to make linkages between things. Sometimes I don’t like museums for this reason, the displays are one after another, some I can roughly think about some I can just walk by. The National Art’s Museum in Ottawa was a little different, because each exhibition immersed me in the whole experience, not just a … thing… in a glass case. I’m not as well wired as some, who can really take in all that information and not feel exhuasted.

I know I’m being rather cavil, whatever the stores are like, I seem to find faults in them…  Probably I just lack the talent, who knows.

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