May 8, 2007

“over the hills and far away…”

Posted in Uncategorized at 9:23 am by changisme

Yesterday was very nice, so I went for a walk near the endowment lands. It was rather disappointing that my usual fireweed spot was isolated by a tranch of mud. If I had something I didn’t care getting dirty in, that would have been nice. Instead, I went to a clearing not far from it, hoping the aura would penetrate through the thickets. I thought long, though not hard, and finally decided not to go out with Carson. I don’t want to try anymore. I think what is finished is finished. I want a period on this long drawn pain I’ve inflicted on both me and him. Well… okay maybe the pain will not just disappear, but it will.
 
For the first time, I finally broke it to my mother. I was on the phone for so long with her that she missed her stop on the bus. You know what she said? She said, if you like somebody, go after him, don’t complain that he doesn’t know how to chase after girls. I could imagine as she saying this how her mouth twich and how she gets fidgety. I don’t know if she would have done it herself, it requires a trmendous amount of courage. In any case, I’m sure she will be rambling on and on abou this with 2yi. Oh well… what am I afraid of?I don’t really feel like hiding this sort of thing anyway.
 
This morning I woke up feeling better, the clouds from my window looked like they just torn up by some crazy woman, who must have been in such a state of frenzy that she screamed and kicked and shredded the clouds without her sheers. I feel calm seeing it, maybe just by comparison. I’m not the only one in chaos afterall. Maybe I can have someone comiserating or something with me.
 
* * *
 
There is a lot of mystery in this world. If I stop being so fixated about something, I am more aware of those people whom I’m feeling tremendous curious about. They each have interesting things to say, and yet, they are such mystery.
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