June 8, 2007

the over self consciousness of an extrovert

Posted in Uncategorized at 10:20 am by changisme

It’s weird, because I"m at this incredibly busy state. I’m not really doing extra work or studying hard, but… am I socializing? i must have been? How come, then, am I still quite uncomfortable thinking about putting myself in a strange social environment.
I’m an extravert alright, but what does that really imply? I just talk more… but I can hardly view that as a personality signature.  Many around me who are introvert are quite talkative and hang out with so many more people and they even make initiatives, like "let’s meet up" kinda thing. On the other hand, my extravert friends, or so they are viewed, express awkwardness in big groups and they also don’t seem to make much effort meeting up people. I find I might be in the latter, but I also fish in between the two.
I guess my greed allows me to be tempted by the benefits of both worlds. It’s rather a difficult situation when y ou want to decide what kind of personality you want to geer yourself towards. I can’t 100% control myself, but I could alter in a way I want to. At the same time though, this might have made me weirder than I already am, not just to those who know me well, but also to myself. Nothing is harder to define than something that’s largely indefinite.
I was reading the Wee Free Men, and there are little feegles in there who are… well quite evil, because they do all the evil things, but they aren’t so evil because they act according to their roles. In a way, creatures – hags and fairies, live together in a codependent kind of relationship. I don’t really know if you can call either evil then. Is that how the world is supposed to be? We all sort of live on each other and hence we have our roles, that can hardly be defined by moral consequence. If want want to mold myself into a certain person (personality, but that’s not really all that important actually, more other things, values and beliefs), then am I assigning myself a certain role that I biasly believe to be more important? Does that mean I’m fighting for control over my life with God? Shouldn’t I let him give me my role in life, seemingly, God gives me a personality, I just embrace it?
I guess it’s too late now, I already don’t know what my natural personality would have been. I never really knew.

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