June 27, 2007

trust

Posted in Uncategorized at 12:54 pm by changisme

It kinda hurt when my mom appears not to trust my honesty. I guess I’m not exceptional at being honest in my days of growing up, but I always take pride in the fact that my parents trust me and I honour that trust. A couple years ago, i remember is so well that a friend of my mom’s said something like "… and you believe her? Kids lie, Grace." My mom simply called me asked me if the truth is such and such, and I said yes, and she believed. I was so happy and remembered that phone call well. It’s hard to encounter such a moment of closeness though not exactly parental sweetness.
 
This time however… Did I lose that trust somehow? My mom’s friend asked me to help her and it involved some dealing of money. Her boyfriend said I’m a liar and fraud. I cared little, because I don’t even know the person. Later on, the woman whom I’m helping started to distrust me as well. I felt hurt. I thought… if you really don’t trust me, then don’t ask me to do all this. Still… I was quite dispassionate. I guess my mother felt quite stressed dealing with this, but she’s been trusting me, but just yesterday, she said she wants to see the bill. Maybe I"m just mistaken, but I was really taken aback and hurt. It’s this dull pain that subconsciously I want to fight back. Does she not trust me? Does she really think I’m taking advantage of that woman? Disregarding all the insanity and ill-logic that lead her to such a suspicion, but simply that distrust. I didn’t feel like talking to her yesterday. She called and I simply said, okay, and said I had to go. I hang up, eating the tasteless noodles in the dull cloudy evening. I didn’t know what to think really. It’s really a temptation ofthe devil, for me to pull away from those I love the most. At the same time, how real are these tricks life play on us! They are real like solid furnitures in the room, real like the waling of sirens passing the streets. They make me feel like I can ignore their existence and embrace "I love…" but at the same time can’t. I can say hullalujah and tell myself I’m a loving freak and xxx to every soul on the face of the earth, and at the same time laugh at my ignorance and pride over my fleshy humanness.
 
I suppose it could really just be a misunderstanding, I don’t really feel like asking, because my mom would certainly say no that’s not her intention. Will I be kind and open enough to believe what reasons she gives? Help me open my heart Lord… I know you are there. I’m not sure if I’m up to aleviating the pain at this point, but rather… I just hope I’m wrong in all this. It’s not really… the hurt I’m really worried about… really… hear my plea.
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