July 30, 2007


Posted in Uncategorized at 10:10 am by changisme

Marty preached on Genesis on Sunday, and he did clear up some misconceptions people generally hold, such as what it means when God asks the people to eat the seed bearing plants, it’s to give humans a special place to serve. Marty said we are created in God’s image while all the other things are not. We are special… I don’t think he’s trying to make it sound like we are higher than other species, but in a way, I still feel uncomfortable about this whole "we are special" while the others are not as God-like.
I can see that since the Scripture is written by and for men, it’s bound to put us in the closest postion with God. It’s not exactly supposed to be objective. What attitude are we to hold on ourselves? Is pride altogether bad?
It just reminds me of people like Courdecet and Gibbon. They of course didn’t rave for religion, christianity especially, but they regard humans are something better as well, something heading towards perfection even. Don’t Christians think the same then in that regard? We talk so much about humility and how we can’t get it right, but really in our heart, the streak of shallow pride that taints us all, is there.
I sometimes wonder, is Courdecet all that wrong? We do have weapon of mass distruction, we do allow horrible things to happen, but if I don’t believe people get better by the work we do, how could we strive to make things better? What’s the point then, if we never progress anyway? Is small acts of random kindness really enough? Is making a small difference in another person’s life enough? Probably that’s all I can do, but there are many people around me who have their hearts set on the grand scheme of things. Soem are idealistic enough to tread the mucky water of politics. Are they holding false hope? Can we survive without them?
Sometimes when I try to think about the future and my work as a form of praise. Indeed, so many things are amazing and interesting enough for me to just think that, but really, there are difficult times too. What am I to use to brace myself through those times? Love of God is enough? What if I am to choose my tools and ways? Shouldn’t I have a belief that this will make a difference? This will push humanity just a little towards something better? 

July 27, 2007

a week of comfort

Posted in Uncategorized at 11:12 am by changisme

It’s been a rather odd and content week. Camping was unusually exciting as usual. I was little better at making a fire, while the dancing flame incessently aroused exhuberance in me nonetheless. I don’t know how I feel about seeing the people in Navs come and go. Some remain for the four years even before I arrived, while others left and new friends come.  I have never been a core member of the group really. Always around but not really arround. It’s an odd feeling. I feel safe and content being with them, but at the same time don’t feel like any card in any suit. It’s not a sense of seclusion, I feel quite belong, nor is it a sense of whitehot passion really. It’s almost a feeling I carry towards my parents, warm, cozy with significant rebellion. I wonder if that is healthy, and yet that’s how it is.
The beautiful sight of the alpine meadow was unpresident to me. Wild flowers twingled everywhere in an opening. It’s quite bewildering to me how the patches of meadow could have formed, rather than simple thinned forests. We also watched over a cliff where mountains around us created a breathtaking valley. The vastness of the moutain walls and the distance in between created a rathe indespicable expansion in my heart. Interestingly, I did not feel small, like many people do on a small boat sailing accross the ocean. I felt like an eagle soaring. Some how I am a part of the appreciation and glorification.
The rest of the week has also given me some sense of gratitude towards life. I feel that I have finally gotten some guy friends I can feel happy talking to without thinking about "what will happen". In a way, I have been avoiding talking about dating with people. I feel a little drawn, but more annoyed by the constant pounding of the subject among my peers. It’s too much thinking and talking. Finally now, I feel, at least for awhile, I feel I am free to love them and talk to them as friends without much concern. I hope this can last, at least for not so short a period of time…
Harry Potter has been great… well, I have to say my mind is getting gripped too tight at times. It’s a fast paced novel, but somehow I refuse to relinguish a word of it. I’ve been prodding through bit by bit. I can’t believe I was so affected by the times of despair and hopelessness they are going through. I will not say more for the sake of those who have not yet read it.

July 20, 2007

Falling, to live and die

Posted in Uncategorized at 1:21 pm by changisme

I wonder if raindrops are the most transient of lives.
I think about the awakening from the cruising freeze. It must have been a wonderous moment to start feeling pain and light, to realize that the hibernation runs in the height of near omnimity. And then to fall at the very instant.
The stretch of body sparkles in the dull light of a hidden sun. Eyes behind windows in a skycraper blink in awe. There are so many, and yet each is so much alone. Death is in the process of birth, but the elaboration of beauty becomes more and more vivid.
They all say, the old and wise see the land in its bigger and bigger truth with the details blurred. Why must it be? Purpose of life becomes more and more specified and the mists cleared. In due process, the Garden of Burrial unveils its canopy. In grace, the journey of destination shines.

July 18, 2007

Truth and Belief…

Posted in Uncategorized at 2:15 pm by changisme

I was thinking of the Shannara just now. Breman says that Truth comes out of belief. That statement alone really doesn’t sound true o me. I mean, truth will be there, regardless of what you believe. An egg is an egg, it will not cease to be so because somebody believes it’s a chicken, unless you are some silly Greek… Well… just joking.. I’m not sure if that’s what Breman was getting at though. Maybe he’s saying that Truth would not be of any use or you can’t evoke the power of Truth if you don’t believe fully. Believe more in the sense of a step of faith. I was thinking about that, whether it’s true.
For me personally, is it really the power of my belief that derives the power of Truth or the power of Truth nurishes my belief? It’s really the latter I can identify with. Truth by itself is so grand and attractive, that unless I blind myself in some ways, it’s hard to ignore. Nevertheless, I find myself falling into the scheme of forcing myself to believe an think it as my step of faith, but really, looking back at those moments, I could only smile at my silliness and pride. Submission to the power of Truth is really what humility is about. Not just… Karen, believe, then you will bring out the truth.

July 15, 2007

Powell River

Posted in Uncategorized at 8:32 pm by changisme

I think Powell River must have been the smallest town I’ve ever lingered. I don’t know if it’s any bigger than Yan Shan where my grandparents live. I think it’s much smaller now anyway. We spent about three days there. Aside from playing goalball and teasing each other, we walked around.
The beach was rather interesting. It’s all pebbles and rocks, but quiet and undisturbed. There were a lot of cedars and Hemlocks. I see some Douglas fir, but I think not as much as we did on hiking trips near Vancouver for some reason. Also, because it’s so wild, black berries just go wild. The old people there (because I only met old people there) told me that every August, they would have black berry fest and people would bring out baked goodies and perform music. The whole beach trail in and out of the forest was an open museum of logging trucks and tree stumps. The town is actually qutie young, since 1910, but already half dead because the fall of the industry. We couldn’t help but laughing that they had a sign saying "Stream, the lifeline of the forest" as one of their "exhibition items". LOL
In fact, we saw a pulp mill a day later in the evening. It used to hire a lot of people in town, according to someone we chatted with, but now, a pulp machine needs only six people and a whole bunch of computers. We went into the bar right at the factory, and came right out. It was EMPTY. Outside, against the summernight’s sky, a column of pale smoke stook on top of the mill. On our way there, we saw a "historical" residence, which was once the house of the mill owner, and now looked rather creepy. The gate was vined with morning glories and all kinds of other things. One could hardly see the stairs as they were covered by fallen leaves. Up above, the house stood gaunt. There was a window facing where we were. It looked black and deeply caverned with a pale coloured balcony. I had alternative imagines of a hooded witch and a ash skinned young woman walking out of the shadow.
Past the pulp mill, Ken found THE Powell River, which turned out to be a quater mile long. There was a small dam at th emouth of it. Ken said, "This is the first town which I know named themselves after a river, and then dammed it!" Dammed Powell River…
I have to admit, I’m impressed by how much attendence we were having, considering the small population and the awkward location of our games. (Although, I felt everything in town spreaded out into awkward locations). The people were very nice and enthusiastic, and old.
The games were fun, I also tried archery, which was qutie something. I had someone really patiently trying to tell me what to do, although my hands were every so shaky. This time I got to hang out with Ken and Shane a lot. It was interesting times. I don’t know if I move away from this city, how am I ever goint to find some people like these folks… They don’t just amuse me when they amuse me so much. We hardly saw Doug this weekend, I can understand though.

July 10, 2007

politics :: plump balarina

Posted in Uncategorized at 11:15 am by changisme

I know as little about politics as I do about finance. Both are really areas I used to think as down the interest list for me. There was really little data I could draw in order to measure the interest, because I neither had first hand nor second hand experience. My friends and family simply didn’t take any interest in it. If you could count my dad’s story-telling about the middleeast, I might have that much, but otherwise, politics and finance, I practically had no encounter, positive or negative.
Maybe because of my ignorance, these things are also quite taunting. They are monsterous sciences that people draw on historical and present examples I know nothing about. Yesterday I listened to these people talking about a rather small sector of politics, but politics nonetheless, I felt quite intrigued. Still, I feel like I would want to know what had happened when political bodies used this system or that system. What happened under what circumstances. I don’t know if math and science I could get into simply because I have enough people rambling about them at my ears that I just have somewhat a background to appreciate the theories.
Theories are beautiful in their abstract selves, but still essentially they need flesh. The mere skeletal structure is flat and brittle. I used to think mathematicians are those who can find beauty in the unfleshed frames, but… am I a mathematician? Do I prefer beauty without the flesh? I feel less and less that way actually. Even for the abstract things, they are so much more fun when I find analogies with other things, like arts and music. In a way, that’s how biostats attracts me so much, because there’s so much flesh that you almost have to be a biologist or epidemiologist to dwell in the field.
Anyway, back to politics. I don’t like hearing people simply say this sucks that sucks. Everybody’s gonna die of poor health care system and what not. I guess they sound very depressing. That’s what a lot of politics talks are like. However, when people are actually making comments with creativity like what people were doing yesterday, it was very enjoyable. Someone suggested a very interesting idea. It was new to me at least, I later on found out it wasn’t so new LOL. And it addressed issues that were specific, though incomplete. It really gave me a better picture of how social sciences are like cute, energized and plump ladies, dancing with hoola skirts. Really.. I could almost see their rosy cheeks and quirky bulging bellies. So huggable!

July 8, 2007

summer…. I love you

Posted in Uncategorized at 11:32 pm by changisme

I was walking on through the quiet neighbourhood at 10pm. It’s quite amazing how in Vancouver the streets are pretty much clear when the children go to sleep. I like the night, especially when it’s warm. The trees seem to become more alive in their motionless existence under the amethyst sky. I felt so comfortable and wanted to just sit down at the little stretch of field outside the elementary school. I was reminded how nice it is not to feel stressed about the cold.

Physical fear is a very weird thing. People seem to take it lightly, but really.. it can change what I feel and think so much. When I felt cold and damp, my steps are brisk. I would feel the life sucked out of me. It’s not that bad, we always say, but when it is not so, it’s just so much better. It confuses me. What are the elements? What do I really feel about them? I love them and yet I fear them. Is that what I feel about those people around me? Is that what I feel about God?

I would go out and hike. To be honest, I’m not THAT fit so I feel tired and I feel the battlement nature around me. Even though the greens give me so much comfort at the same time. I love them so much that i want to wrestle with them. Having my body leaning against rocks and try not to slide down, or climbing some trivial branches just to have physical contact with them. It’s like wrestling with the goalball people, I feel so involved as a blooming partaker. Everything from my perception is filled with warmth and complicated entanglement. Is that what I feel about those people whom I love? Is that what I feel about God?

Eventually, in the night of tranquility, a ring of my phone curtailed the intimate encounter, though not all that unwelcomed I guess, it was the voice of a friend also blended into the urban moonlit night. Not entirely out of symphony.

The summer has taught me a lot of things so far. Maybe even more so than my past term of schooling. There has been nothing really profound. Rather they are things I knew in my head, but could never bring myself to do them, or I just didn’t experience enough failure to really… learn them? They are small things, like how it is to accept my own human natures and face them, in an appropriate level of judgement. Judgment with choices to follow. What it means and how it is to be patient and give up control sometimes. I think this one is probably one fo the most useful things I am starting to mold myself with. Also, wee things like not to use conditioning when I have short hair because then it doesn’t become so light and wick up however it wants LOL. Anyway… so far so good, summer, I love you.

July 7, 2007

Owwwww >_<

Posted in Uncategorized at 9:01 am by changisme

I was watching The Notebook… oh man… why does the world have to play games like that with us humans. I felt my heart filling my entire chest whenever there’s an up or a down… I felt so much heart wrenching thinking about Noah writing 365 letterss. How can I help but wondering if God really is so playful… like the Bastard for the Quinterians.

July 6, 2007


Posted in Uncategorized at 10:10 pm by changisme

After having dinner, I took a walk with a friend in Stanley Park, I was totally not expecting that I could feel such a strong wave of sadness. Vivid images and familiar but far away smell just flooded my mind in incessant waves, all because that soaking wet evening was one of the very few moments. I just became so quiet tonight, and the only excuse I could find for myself was that I was tired. It was kind true, though not the real reason. I felt bad that I really neglected my friend, but also felt bad that I can’t just get away from the whole sentiment. I still feel the emotions and amazingly enough I’m not carrying resentment. I want to put things behind me, and yet they are so beautiful to be laminated and tucked under. The world is cruel…


Posted in Uncategorized at 10:07 am by changisme

It was bugging me what ZhengShi (Official History) and YieShi (wild history) claim their difference in valuability. I don’t actually know whether or not they do in academia but they certainly are treated differently by the public, and I believe, the official history is held to the highest authority when discerning what truly happened.
I found out what we regard as the Official History in China was designated by an Qianlong, the Empiror. At the time Official History first included the Twenty Four History texts and further includes many of the collections in the Palace. Later on, we included one more book containing events involving foreign influence.
The definition I could find for Official History is the texts that follow the rise and falls of Empirial States. I think mostly the ones that were traditionally collected and widely spread by the government for education of the people.
This is a rather disturbing truth because for thousands of years, what people have been learning is so much controled in this way. It reminded me of when Confuscious philosophy was established as the "Official Philosophy" of the country, its influence lasted for 2000 years and at the time, the other hundreds of philosophies were put down and forgotten. It might have been very much parallel with the history of the Church in the west. I don’t actually know how much history in the west was dictated and how much written work was preserved by authors outside of the beneficiary of the state.
At the same time, I don’t think people actually disregard Wild History, because there are a lot of history written in Chinese that are very very long and with good literary value. That to me, means educated people spent a lot of time working on it. I don’t know if that is just some accentric basket case, or it’s actually some liberating leisure of the commoners. Or it could well be that there is no clear division line between the two, merely some were selected as elite. I have some strong precaution against our common treatment of the Official History that’s all, mainly because it’s almost all talking about the Empiror… a little …. umm for a country with this many people.

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