August 9, 2007

optimistic bummer

Posted in Uncategorized at 8:35 pm by changisme

It’s really odd, because I just realized today that maybe I’m someone who’s overly optimistic. I am that way because I do not know what it means to end. The family has been on the ball over my grandma’s surgery for a few weeks now. There was a little lump discovered in her breast. Somehow I believed with such certainty that it’s nothing. I called and decided to go to LA and everything, and I’m leaving tomorrow in the wee hours, but all along, I still believe that everything will be fine. It will be benign.

I have no idea where I got that idea from.

Anyway, so today the surgery was on its course, during which my aunt called and said things are doing well, it is a small lump but it’s malignant. EVEN THEN, I still somehow believe that there aren’t any spreads, it’s just a small baby, and nothing will happen. They won’t use chemo, just some gentle therapies.

I could be right, but I could also be wrong. Why am I so optimistic? It makes me nervous. I sat on the bus today, looking at people walking under the periods of sunlight. Their skins are bright and fresh, full of vibrancy and life. I could see the energy shining off of them, even from an old lady.

Don’t get me wrong, grandma will be fine, but I still really see a hole somehow opening up in my life. Sooner or later, I wil need to face the deaths of my beloved ones. I read some of Brueggemann’s prayers. They were strong and full of wrestling. They sought peace in the mist of such chaos. I want to be able to face death together with my family friends, without me running away. I want to do so in peace, and I want them to have peace also. I really don’t know how.

I don’t think it’s something I can figure out intellectually really. I wonder any conscious species on this earth can truly understand death before dying. Are humans any different in our understanding? Animals certainly has their share of understanding, and really we probably just know as much. I,having experienced not even the death of anyone close around me, know even littler.

I do not want to know any time soon, but I know, they are walking to me in with their hooded faces. I’m sure I will have place to draw the strength… i’m sure.

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