October 22, 2007

me in the autumn rain

Posted in Uncategorized at 9:08 pm by changisme

Once again, fall has come, or is it already winter? It is hard to tell
here in Vancouver, a land of uncertainty. Clouds are grayer and grayer,
and the leaves hang on branches like sleeping bats. Who knows when,
they turned red, dark red, a very heavy colour as if it’s the redness
that weigh them down to the ground. These autumn colours stress a
breath of sentiment, a lonesome feeling that I get once in awhile.

I am not sure what kind of life I am leading. With my determined
nature, I feel that I put myself in a position of loneliness. Actually,
I don’t want that to be my nature, and maybe I could be otherwise? If
my purpose is not to be lonely, shouldn’t I maneuver my path? I was in
a discussion today, and in retrospect I feel like I could have been
intimidating. Although my expressiveness of opinions is selective, when
it comes to something I really do care about, it takes conscious effort
on my end to not to be too "out there" as it were.

It is hard to think that I am actually a really big pathetic people
pleasing addict. I hope in so many ways to please others, selfishly
mostly for in turn it pleases myself. However, it is not all that easy.
When I see other people and their different personalities, I often
fantasize myself interacting with them. It’s a rather frightening thing
to do. With all my wishful thinking, I create all these anecdotes…
like the world turns paler and paler, or just it goes further and
further away that I cannot see it clearly in a lonely foggy night.


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