December 22, 2007

attachment

Posted in Uncategorized at 7:48 am by changisme

It really makes me wonder if I’m someone to thrives on a busy social life or not. I do think I’m quite occupied throughout the term, and complain about not having enough time, but now that school’s done and I have much more time to go out with people, I don’t seem to want to do that anymore. It’s a very comfortable existence I have to say. Instead of meeting up with people for a meal or walk around the mall for a couple hours, I took much joy spending the whole day with one or two people I’m so familiar with that I just felt like I was simply in my PJ’s reading some cheesy stories against a bedpost.

I also had some fun doing end of the year clean up. This time, I’m really doing it, digging out all bags of god-knows-whats and putting them in a "throw-away" pile and "donation" pile. I’m surprised by how little I’m attached to those things. I’m not saying that I’m so spiritually mature that I’m not swayed by earthly treasure, in fact I am, and quite so sometimes. It’s just that, some of the treasures I never used and even hardly ever see while their useless and dusty physique occupies the various corners of my closets or even closets outside of my room. I might sound mean, but I sometimes feel people are probably like that too. I could be quite a disposable person for most, has I spent little time with them anyway. I mean… I’m not self loathing, I very very sadly feel some feeling along the same line. Probably people will think very badly of me upon reading this, but I just wonder… what ties do I have with people now that prevents me from moving away? I share very much with just a very few, and they pain me while I think about going away, but the rest, they are wonderful people, and I would feel the loss of some splendor in my day to day amusement, but really… how much does that differ from the walking away six years away on the other side fo the world?

Memories from the people I was involved with linger for years and years, and even my friends now have to endure listening to my lame interactions with my schoolmates. Nevertheless, those memories are but photographs hanging on the inner wall of my skull. They are not them… What of them? I am no longer in their lives, and they hardly mine. It almost feels like something died while can only be comforted by the birth of another life here in Vancouver, in the mist of the mountains and rain and big bearded people. They are the ones that are real and touchable. Will they die too?

Last year, I actually took some pains to buy my own clothes. In a way, I really wanted to develop some attachement to my own things. I do like the shirts and pants a little more when I actually go to the mall and try them and pay for them with my own hand. It is more so when I went to Guatemala with some. I think I will always like the pair of sandals that carried me through much of the difficult cobbled stone walking. I wonder if Aunt Margaret who’s renown for collecting things actually have real attachment to them. Maybe she does, or maybe she does to those coins she just asked me to buy. What of the Wal-Mart stuff? I guess I really don’t know and shouldn’t have assertions. I’m just not wise enough to know how someone can be so attached to so many things.

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2 Comments »

  1. 饭团 said,

    Marry Christmas Eve~~~~~~

  2. sean said,

    Merry Christmas!~~


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