February 15, 2008

Am I like Toni?

Posted in Uncategorized at 5:21 pm by changisme

I keep on thinking if I’m really like Toni in Mockingbird. I really hope that I’m not really like her. To be honest, I love her, but I don’t really like her. The truth is though… I am quite like her, except that I’m less intimidated by life.

The thing that really link me to her is not just the fact that we are both big on stats, not just that we are both clumsy in the field of female sexuality. It’s really the fact that both of us are go-getters, taking charge of things around us, and yet somehow enslaved by life. Angela says Toni’s never failed, it’s true, but she says it as if toni’s never had it rough. It’s not true though. Life has been rough, (more so for her, and somewhat rough for me) but there has always been these few things that we managed to hold on to that allow us to feel that we are in control.

Really, in my life, there had been things I just had to swallow tears in the dark and run and run just realizing I could never run away, but have I ever lost my control on my life? I’ve had descent grades when I need them, I’ve had money to cover whatever I really desired, or at least I managed to shape my desires into whatever I could afford. I’ve never needed to be responsible to a child, and hence never failed in my responsibility of such importance.

It’s the kind of awareness I’ve always had that dictates my life. i’m not sure i think it a bad thing, it’s just a complicated sensor. Today I went to have a blood and heart test. These kind of tests are the most annoying to me because the lab techs never want to tell you anything other than what you are supposed to do. I stripped and lay on top of the paper covered bed. The tech stuck cool little pads above my bicepts, around my breasts and above my ankles. Then she hooked them up with cables to the computer which was supposed to map my heartbeats. I was immensely curious to touch those little sensors and wanted to see what my heartbeats looked like, but she just wouldn’t allow me to move a finger and shut down everything before I had a chance to sit up. I’m sure she sort of know how those sensors worked, ut she just wouldn’t tell me when I asked.

i guess i can understand that she’s had a long day and didn’t want to explain, but… really I hate to be in the dark. I probably have gone on a real tangent from what I was saying, but I think it’s the same with life really. Somehow i try to hold on to all these things thinking I’m in real control and I can be free this way, but really, I’m quite enslaved by all the scaffolding I have in my world.


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