October 28, 2008


Posted in Uncategorized at 7:06 pm by changisme

I’m not usually into complaining about roommates, actually I don’t even remember when I last did that. Mostly it’s because I’m fortunate enough to get pretty good roommates, but also I’m just not veyr picky. The strange thing is, my current roommate is probably one of the best people I know, but I can’t help but rant a little here. She doesn’t really like things cleaned, mind you, it’s not just she doesn’t like to clean, because I don’t really mind that. I don’t have a very specified cleaning schedule either, I just do it whenever I find things dirty, and I don’t mind doing that, because it destresses me a lot of times. I don’t like routines though.
Anyway, I cleaned the kitchen a few times, trying to get rid of the old grease that has been accummulaing there for the past year. It is really dirty, so I felt prety good after my labor. Each time after I clean though, I either receive no acknowledgement, or criticisms, which makes me feel that when criticism didn’t came it was her trying to refrain from giving one.
Generally, she doesn’t like to alter her ways, like she would aways walk the same way to some place ignoring advices for shortcuts, so after I clean, a lot of times, things would change, or if I find things untidy, I put things into jars. She would end up putting things back again, or saying "we don’t need to change this." but I bought the things I want to change, why would it be so bad to have a clean kitchen?! Or if I buy some brown sugar and put it in the sugar jar, she would say that she doesn’t really use brown sugar because she never tried it. Anyway, I do know she’s not doing it out of malice, but it still makes me unhappy.
Mnd you this makes her sounds like a bad person, but she indeed isn’t. She’s a very simple and kind person, gullable, but it doesn’t really harm anybody… other than the fact that she will be an MD. Anyway, that’s not my business.  The pointis, she’s very helpful when she sees someone needing help. And I hardly ever hear her judging anybody or any kind of people.
So I just feel that really… whether or not I can live with someone is really not a matter of how "good" a person is, it’s more how me-like a person is. This is quite scary to discover, and I really didn’t want to be such a character, but then living with a person is really a cose enough connection that I can hardly deny my ver self.

October 20, 2008

the wine is still flowing…

Posted in Uncategorized at 3:32 pm by changisme

More and more, i feel that God is about encompassing everything. it’s about big, about being big and about recognizing big. On the one hand, He would praise the good semaritan for good works and compassion, while ont he other hand, He would say that believe is what ultimately saves a soul. There are so-called contradictions everywhere , not just inside the scriptures, but all folded into my life. It is really my foolishness to feel stressed about them. My eyes are still not looking at what He is trying hard to show me with all these details and stories.
Ultimately, it is about goodness, not in human nature or behavior, not in natural phenomina, but rather in goal and direction. I probably don’t believe in the circular argument in a lot of philosophies, because I think there is a goodness or in other words truth we strive towards, but I do seem to, more and more, understand the balance argument in the eastern philosophies. It’s not really about Ying and Yang, but rather we as humans can do or appreciate only a small pool of good from the immense ocean of good. We might not be able to both be a very very good semaritan and a very very good believer, but at least, we could recognize that both being the good semaritan and the good believer is so valuable to God. All these beautiful things are there for us to make our own cocktail. All God is trying to reveal to us is the fact that all these cocktail… comes from Him and in fact, He still has so so much more ingredients!
It is true that our cup maybe full, but the more important thing is that the wine is still flowing.

October 7, 2008

why do evolutionary sociology have to be the route?

Posted in Uncategorized at 7:40 am by changisme

Once and once again, I encounter articles explaining how religions exists because they make people act more prosocially or altruistically, so that the societies they dominate can survive in the floods of history. I really wonder if we have to understand it that way, because in many myths or traditions, the gods are not exactly the most moral beings, and they also don’t always care about humans that much.

I think the reason why religions are so wide spread, is simply because they are easily spread widely! They are stories, and people like to tell stories. I don’t even need to talk about the spreadability of the major religions and mythological systems, even the minor ones, like those spiritual behaviors amongst the native americans, and or the fear for certain ghosts in any little area. It’s all there because people like to talk about them.

As for why people like to talk about stories. Probably because they are easy to tell. Stories are usually linearly told, the same sequence of understanding as our daily lives (as opposed to logical arguments), and stories are identifiable and make people feel familiar. Some may say claim that the preference for familiar behaviors are in itself evolutionary. Maybe in a sense… In nature, probably it is equilibrially benefitial to be renovative 1 out of 10 times. In that case, s/he may have a rather balanced risk/benefit ratio in stepping away from the familiar territory. The rest 9 times, s/he would perform as the tradition, simply because by experience, it works for sure. That way, there is more time spent on following the old ways, than exploring new ways. This makes it appear that people like familiar things, but what it really is, is just they only like to put 10% of their money in the stock market and the rest in the saving account, so that when the market crashes like today, survival is still there.

Of course, this is excrutiatingly simplified. There are special times that preservation via traditions seem less needed, and this proportion is broken temperarily. During those times revolutions occur. Nevertheless, stories pass on, religions succede. It is simply because people like to tell tales.

October 4, 2008

dew drop in my head, still dark

Posted in Uncategorized at 6:54 am by changisme

I woke up early this morning from the heat in the room. Though the blinds were down, I could tell that it was still dark out. I wanted to get onto the internet to see if I can connect to my parents in China. It’s dark there too, it will be night.

The connection was down, so I went to reset the modem. I couldn’t find which cord was the power line, so I completely unplugged everything on the modem leaving it lonesome. THE LIGHTS WERE STILL FLASHING! I was totally awake all of a sudden. It felt to me as if the modem was a severed head and yet still blinking its eyes with intelligence and comprehension. The room was dark in the wee hours dampened by the early traffic and raindrops splattering onto the metal pipes. It has batteries, Karen, I tried to snigger.

I crouched among the intestine looking cords and wires looking out the window. The street lights stood there, and I felt the hours and hours of it standing there through the night. Cars passed by underneath it. Poisson? Might as well just say it’s a constant flow. I realized that there is very little difference between the morning and the night here. I can here no birds in the morning.

It was just yesterday, I had a brief conversation with a friend regarding happiness and intelligence. We disagreed on the fact that whether very smart people would be very happy. Let’s forget about intelligence. It really depends on how much hope you can entertain in your heart and how well you can appreciate what is around you. I guess the latter’s what Bena said about giving thanks, always.

October 1, 2008

relatively sinful

Posted in Uncategorized at 7:06 pm by changisme

The biostat students are trying to appeal to get more pay, and our
student representative was asking me for opinion. When I was first
approached, I didn’t know anything other than my own salary, and I said
that I am quite satisfied and I think the cost of living compared to
what we earn is quite reasonable when you consider that this is
basically financial aid or assistance. Then, the student rep said that
our department pays the lowest amongst all other departments like math,
biology etc. I asked if we work the same amount and she said we do, and
apparently, similar departments in other universities usually pay about
a third more than we do. The embarrassing feeling arose almost
immediately. "Hmm, that’s kind of unfair," and "If I got paid more, I
probably wouldn’t need to worry about my undergrad student loan in the
future." etc. Honestly, I probably didn’t quite worry about my student
loan anyway before this!

I know… I wish I were more saintly. I appear to be a pretty big
hearted girl mostly of the time. I wonder how much of that came from
sheer ignorance. When I was young, my father quoted someone I no longer
remember. He said that a math book, while you study it, should thicken
at first, then thins down. Probably life is like that too. At first, I
acquire all these details about the world around me, and see their
colours and be fascinated. Later in life, I’d put away these details
and see a bigger picture, and appreciate the overall’ness of the
synthesis. It might be like looking at a big work of painting unrolled
on the floor, I only see the thin side-ways view when I’m on the
ground. After I walk upwards, I can slowly see the bird’s eye view more
and more. Eventually, I complete my semicircle and come back down to
the ground, and I see the sideways view again.

The thing is though, is it necessarily bad to at the middle stage? It’s
the difficult time but also the colorful time. It’s the time of wonder
in both meanings of the word. If someone is going to fight to get paid
more, for oneself as well as for others around, and if it is overall
selfish, is the wrong on seeing too much details of life or is it that
not enough details, regarding other aspects of the world or even just
the department?