April 18, 2009

What to wish now?

Posted in Uncategorized at 3:53 pm by changisme

I don’t usually get the sentiment of loss of innocence, because I don’t feel that children as we were had less worldly troubles than we do as adults. Adulthood here obviously refers to the part I have so far experienced. Somehow, just now I felt a longing, a longing to go back to the muddy child I once were. It probably is music induced, nonetheless, it was there.

The kinds of trouble I had as a child would always be so clear and sharp. A letter to the parents about unfinished homework, a bully I just wished to kill with the biggest TNT tank, a fear that my dear father would not live with me for ever and ever. They made it so easy to wish for something, though sometimes there was no way to grasp that wish in my childish hands, unless I could really get hold of TNT.

Troubles these days come in dull tinkerings. They are like currents of underground lava. It might be that I’m just stoic, but I think the real reason is I am so aware that there is no simple answers to these reservoirs. The destitute of either a heaven or hell for them leaves them churning. What can I wish now? I can only wish for vague things, empty things.

Or is it that I am now afraid to wish? Someone once told me that my lack of faith is my lack of expectation and disappointment and that my starved relationship with God was because I was afraid to ask.

It could also be that I’m just so incapable of explosion. If there is going to be lava, it probably would be healthier if I can errupt once in awhile. Being someone with a very strong will but very little temper, I wish I could fire up a little more. It’s not even that I don’t like chaos. I like going traveling to extremely unfamiliar places just to seek chaos. I’m probably afraid of chaos that I can’t get out very easily eh?

Aye… but yeah, I wish… something, let’s find something to wish for.

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