April 29, 2010

同学推荐的诗和我的读后感

Posted in Uncategorized at 8:16 pm by changisme

老同学推荐的一首很惊人的好诗:

------------

死讯

2010-03-30
00:02:21 来自:
花边女工

我听到,尚未老年的四舅在欠收的庄稼地,

“咕咚”一声倒下,

正如心事落地发出的闷响,惊动啄食的麻雀,

像流弹,朝阴沉的天空离散,

却没有愿望炸开的声音。

 

在倒下的瞬间,他看到,他为一帮厌食猪羊的贵人

培育的白色非洲雁

不再是挂零的数据、低买高卖的磨人的锯齿,

不再是,破壳之前揪心的宁静,使他捶胸顿足、焦虑

像产房外忍受血本无归的丈夫。

 

他仰面倒下,第一次相信它们可以飞得那么高,

像盛开在仙境的棉桃。

 

用洁白的翅膀,续上一床簇新的被子

包裹婴儿一样驮他飞升。

 

他与每个即将做鬼的人一样

销毁尘土般无数遗憾,

升起透明的悟性,

不再为儿女婚事、屋顶漏雨、水缸缺口永世烦忧。

 

还有,那高利贷一样翻着跟头增加的病历。

 

于是,用农民的、坚固的头骨

把从未擦亮过的锄头永远砸回黄泥地。

 

我探问过吗?

他的彻夜不眠,钉子的疼痛怎样在干柴垛的身体流窜?

睡在那棵最老的槐树底下他梦着、羡慕不已的是

瓦工围砌的城墙,

还是卡车司机征服过的疆土?

 

一个远亲的死讯,

在我的一段生活里,像初冬波动的湖水打着寒颤,

我以忘我,为溺在深处的倒影收尸。

并学着从此弃用“伤心”这个词。

 

混着口水,不停吐出“伤心”

却无法浸润情感,

我们搬来这些词做盾牌,抵挡那把旋转着

剜进柔软心底的漫长的钻头。

 

人们为死者在供桌、遗像前举行的仪式

有多少是对自己剧终的彩排。

又剩下多少真正的怜悯给别人?

 

有多少人,被我们忽略了。

我的良知是心虚的。

 

只遥想绝美的死亡姿势:

骆驼,身躯像诺亚方舟般辽阔,背负世上所有难民

从生到死前都不为了自己饱腹动用驼峰,但不会饿死。

我想象的死

是骆驼以海水的传说、光芒的遥远为名

在沙漠无垠的跋涉、疲倦地死成一尊雕像。

 

虚悬的理想经常使我看不到

我最多的困境,只是

耳朵里,总有两个卧底拼杀、无声流血

它们敌对的问题有多少辩驳的意义?

像橙子和柠檬的色差,

那么接近,又那么千差万别。

 

我该责问自己:

还配得上哀悼那些在人世

真正风尘仆仆、吃土的人吗?

 

让我沉默吧!

 

还能再说什么吗?

暂时不能。

暂时,也不能再听。

不能再听得那么心不在焉了。

 

因为我无法,把听到的声音

谱写成

一沓庄严的传单。

 

我盼望衰老。

 

盼望老去的速度更快一些,

老得耳朵里只有激荡的准时的钟鸣响。

老得不再以锋利的题词作为训诫。

老得不再以死讯拨响爱。

 

距离死还有九十座谷场、九十座大山的那种老。

 

在老去之前,

请让我每一次哭泣,都是静默的

聋哑女人的泪如泉涌。

3.29-3.30

-------------------

人与人之间的感情真的不是一个简单的善良可以勾勒的。无论是与我相近或相斥的人,都要有接触和了解在时间的磨合中,才能真正地驻成感情,我曾经觉得,地球上一条生命的结束,是多么可惜呀,只想自己是什么感觉真的很自恋。可是,现在想想,我与死者之间纽带永远地被死亡凝固才让我真正伤心,但若我从来就没有过这条纽带,那我心里自以为是的七七八八,只是给自己吃的定心丸。

April 22, 2010

Why I want to be out of school

Posted in Uncategorized at 2:08 pm by changisme

People, and I myself, often question why I want to get out of school so quickly. I really enjoy being in an academic environment and I don’t get too stressed out about grades, etc etc… Even though I won’t be some big name, I can make my contribution and be content with it. All evidence suggests I should probably just stay put. Somehow, I don’t seem to want to do that. Why?

Come to think of it, it’s actually kind of strange. I feel that my beliefs have become more and more aligned with the academics around me, and they seem to only represent this small group in the big wide world. I’m becoming a little scared for some reason. I feel like I’m being converted without people trying to oppose me. Trying to get out is simply an act of trying to strike a balance in my psyche. I keep hoping that out there in the world, someone will wake me up from this bubble I’ve been living in, while in fact I  really have no evidence that I have been living in a bubble at all.

It may all boil down to the fact that I always want to be someone outside looking in, but at the same time I lament about being an outsider. I try so hard to fit into social circles, but when I’m finally in them, I become afraid that I wouldn’t be able to see things clearly. I suppose this is like being in love, you can’t expect to be so omnipotent, rational maybe, but not so objective. Such a fine distinction though…

April 7, 2010

Ironies

Posted in Uncategorized at 10:22 pm by changisme

My bike had a flat tire today. The inner tube was eroded by a wrinkle of the lining that aims to protect the inner tube from sharp objects. This lining has been in there for at least a couple of years, so maybe it really has prevented much damage, but it does not change the irony of the situation. A bike tech at the shop was chatting with me about allergies and now the antibacterial agents we have around us so much are making our children have allergies and get sick. It’s the same irony all over again. Life is full of inexplicables, even life itself is one. We rush around so much trying to get to the next stage of our lives, and that’s how we "live fully", and yet, all we are doing is finishing the course of life. I guess that’s not really the only choice. For me, I can either live the irony and embrace death… or… I can just move sideways?