September 21, 2010

R.I.P. Illa

Posted in Life at 6:13 pm by changisme

Illa passed away on the night of September 6th. I just got the news, I can’t believe the message was buried in my messenger which I haven’t signed on until now. Illa was my favourite dog, even though she wasn’t mine, but I loved her with all my heart. 

I met her when I went to Italy. She lived with two other big and eager dogs in the family. All the others would jump up to the owners with their powerful paws. Their eyes and tongues popping with glee. Illa would stand at the back wagging her tail, so small.  She didn’t trust me so easily at first, not like the others, but she also didn’t resist my petting her. It was towards the end of my trip, that she started to rub her nose on my arms, and wagged her tail more rapidly. It was subtle, but I knew she liked me as I liked her. 
For many years, I wanted to go back to Italy, to visit her once more, but I’ve lost my chance. So much emotion was attached to the sight of her because I met her when I first realized there were people and places in this world that was very different from what a middle school girl from Beijing could conceive. It was a door to the greater unknown and dazzling possibilities. Now, ten years later, Illa was no longer a little girl, and neither am I. Have I forgotten the innocent desire to know and love everything comes my way? 
I never claim that life as a child was easier or happier than that of an adult, but my heart was so hungry, that it absorbed so much poetry, music, emotions, albeit uncritically. Have I really forgotten that hunger, or am I afraid to let my guard down? I miss Illa, or should I say I miss being able to love a little creature without a strand of reservation, even knowing that I would leave her farm  in mere 10 days. Can I open my heart so much so easily again? I’m afraid to think about it.