December 22, 2010

Walk on, walk on…

Posted in Life at 1:44 pm by changisme

Rattling Locks

— Josh Ritter

There was a time I had the right key,
Rolled the tumblers, threw the bolt
On every wandering eye I caught
But something has changed it’s all wrong
I’m out here in the cold with a wet face
A-rattling your locks
There ain’t nothin’ new about the world
That I ain’t learned from ‘a just standin’ here in this spot

Ain’t nothing new about the world
That I ain’t learned from just watching you go by
I tell myself people are cold and strangers pass
Separate themselves from love
By building walls a hundred thousand miles high
Frostbite and heartsickness
Ain’t neither one of them so bad
You can understand the reason why

Black hole, black hole
Are your eyes as empty as they look?
Black hole, black hole
How can your two eyes be as empty as they look?
All along I thought I was giving you my love
But you were just stealin’ it, now I want it back
Every single thing you took

Black hole, black hole

I had a dream where I was dyin’
But it wasn’t no nightmare
I was peaceful as I fell
And if I was fallin’ into heaven
Heaven must be hotter than the Bible tells
I woke up sorry I was living
Rather than rattling your locks
I’d rather spend the night in hell
In hell, in hell, in hell

Black hole, black hole


Once again, I don’t get to graduate. Not only that, I’ll have to stay on as a full time student instead of part-time. For this minuscule master’s degree I have tried being all I can, I tried starting looking for thesis project early, I was denied; I tried taking charge of my project, I was denied; I tried just swallowing what I was offered, I choked on an advisor who I was later told the worst supervisor some have ever had; I tried doing whatever is asked of me, I kept on not being able to graduate.

People’s seemingly encouraging words like, you are working so hard, or you are producing so much have becoming so empty and useless.

I’ve never felt so useless academically in my life.

Mom keeps on wanting me to quit and put myself back in charge of my life. I feel I’ve given up too much for that already. We are always enslaved by our own history and choices. If I never came here, I probably would have just found a job in Ottawa. Otherwise, I probably could have gone on a worldwide adventure and fulfilled my dream to go to Cuba and France and the Philippines.

Then again, if I never came here, I probably would never have met some of the people I know now, so in away, I’m also nourished by my own choices.

Life is so confusing… I have to stop thinking about it, and just… walk on.



  1. ericmjl said,

    Liu Chang, what’s happened? I hope you’re not stressing out too much.

    The Lord puts us in different situations, under His will, for us to learn lessons to teach to others. I’m not sure what your story is right now, but I know you’ll have a story to tell. (And I’m hoping that you’ll share your story, as it is right now, with me if you want to, and if something helpful that’s a part of my story comes up in my memory, I’ll share it with you as well.)

    • changisme said,

      I’m just at a very frustrating part of my career, and yeah I’d love to share it with you. The major premise is just that I keep following other people’s instructions and work pretty hard, but at the end of the day someone else would always come and say this work is crap. What’s more, the criticism always makes so much sense that it just makes me feel so stupid about why did I ever follow the first person to start with?

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